Giving Thanks

I know you're going to say that this post is coming a few days late. But screw that, it's not. Thanksgiving isn't a holiday in this country and I shouldn't need a calendar to tell me when to post like this.

To be honest, we all know this would be a better blog all round if I did actually look at the calendar every once in a while - then maybe I wouldn't go for a month or so between posts.

I have lots to say, and little to say, and both of these are good. What I mean to say is that this really fantastic thing has been happening and that is that for the first time in a long time my life is starting to feel normal again.

This is, clearly, God's work. I really don't know how else to describe it. Like I know I'm not out of the woods yet and stuff - I'm starting to really feel the hurt of how much this whole depression thing has been affecting my health. My diet/exercise and the cleanliness of my room are at an all time low, and that is really saying something. Also I've been having serious trouble sleeping. Like the kind where you either lay in bed till 3am wondering why you can't sleep or the kind where you wake up at 4.30 for no reason at all. But all that said: for once in my life I'm... actually getting work done. And not even hating it.

Ok let's be fair: I am still, as I described myself just the other day to a friend, a "lazy, whiny, procrastinating git". And now that it's gotten colder and darker I've been even less active - and have been taking fewer walks in the park :( but for most of the days this week I really was able to get up and WORK and actually do stuff. Which I know is like the actual lowest standard for most working people's lives, but it's rather new for me.

I've finally FINALLY written a paper that I don't despise (that said I haven't received any feedback on it yet - I'm almost wishing I could just submit it straight to the Uni without going through my supervisor (I technically could except that I said I wouldn't, and I've already sent it to him) because at this point any comments he or anyone could give would just be a lot of work for me on a project that is already better than my other 4 barely-passing (but PASSING) essays. The work I have to do now is, unfortunately, returning to this Hume paper I don't actually give a rip about but must be ready by Jan 11th.  I want to bring as little as possible of it home with me for Christmas.

All of last year I was feeling like this part in my life was their weird exception, and if I just hurried up and graduated I could get back to the REAL world and my REAL life not in Oxford. Recently I've started feeling a little more adjusted to this new normal and new home - it took me over a full year. And it's kind of sad because I'll be leaving it, forever, sometime this summer.

Ok let's not think about that. Story time! A few weeks ago was the postgrads weekend away and it was just about the best thing ever. We went back to that farmhouse in the Cotswolds which I think I posted about last year. First of all, the lady who lives there, Iona, is the ACTUAL SWEETEST LADY ON THE PLANET. Second, her house is SO beautiful and comfortable and lovely and UHG. This is the kind of house best described by the fact that every one of us who entered it were convinced that we WERE going to get lost and find a spare bedroom with nothing but a wardrobe in it. Like for real, there is only one way stories in houses like this end. Like it wasn't a suit of armor type house, it was a working farm house type house, but uhg I love it so much we all wanted to stay there forever.

But okay all that aside - this time was different than last time. We get into small groups (or 'tiny groups' i think Kate called them?) Now I lead one of the small groups in church these days but that's just kind of me being willing to talk the most. In any case I did not lead a tiny group and I am very glad of that, especially because Katie, who did lead, did an amazing job. So I was not raised in a tradition that really "does" a lot of the stuff Aldates does - like prophetic words and speaking in tongues and stuff. And I'll be honest I still don't get the tongues thing (and that's ok, i don't have to 'get' it). But the prayer we had over this weekend was really something else. I cried a LOT. It was something that was above and beyond what I deeply, deeply needed before I even knew that i needed it. In fact, if any of y'all in my group are reading this - thank you so much for your love and support and prayer from that weekend. You taught me a LOT about prayer and about God and about me.

I don't know if I can put into words the kinds of things I learned really. But by the end of it - after a weekend of late night talks and very long prayers and game nights and a hike through the farmland hills - the word I would use to describe how I felt is "recommissioned". It was like the Lord was reminding me that I didn't just chose this path I'm on, and I don't have to know the bigger picture future plan to commit to doing it. I have been trapped for a very very long time by this feeling which I was eventually able to describe as the feeling of "I don't..."What I mean by that is this feeling of knowing what I should do, knowing what is right and better and helpful, but then just NOT EVER doing it. And getting trapped in the feeling that since I always fail to do it, I know I never will do it. Does that make sense? Like I've gotten to the point where I make a point of not making promises to anyone about anythign because I do not ever trust myself to not fail them - usually out of apathy, more than anything else. It's like I'm incapable of bringing myself to care enough that it spurs me to action. And that weekend it was pointed out to me what a lie that is. As one of my dear friends said, it's not that I "don't" do things, it's just that I "haven't", but that doesn't mean I can't. Does that make sense? Like it sounds so very very "no duh!" when you say it out loud but it's a really different thing to mean it.

Even typing all o fthis out seems like cheapening it, so maybe i should just stop. The point is, I thin I had been saying for a long long time "oh I can't do this God help me" but I don't think I had really meant it and accepted it until sometime this month. It wasn't a moment - it wasn't as dramatic as all that. But something did change, is changing - and it all happened before I could even realize that that's what it was. It was like I got work done before I even realized that I was getting work done and how exceptional this was. Even things like the fact that I've woken up before 5am three times this week have ended up I think being beneficial. (tho i do need to learn to go to bed better. and earlier).

All in all I cannot say how important this is for me and how thankful I am. I don't know how much I said (and I'm way to lazy to go and read my own blog) but I was really effing SCARED of this term and this winter - and to be honest? maybe I still should be for next term but I'm not right now - because I knew it would get dark and cold and I would shut down, and it made me really sad that I was going to - it felt like enevitably - shut down and stop caring even when I started finally writing on games. But God has protected me from that, and - I honestly did not believe this was possible no matter how many times people prayed it for me - given me some amount of joy in my work.

All I can do is give thanks and pray that it holds, that this wasn't a "summer camp high" you know? I feel I've had enough of that in my life, thank you. Right now my life seems pretty dominated by the fact that I'll be gonig home for Christmas, and wanting to get things done first. We'll see how that goes. I am super excited to go and see my family and friends in Texas again.But I am hoping that it won't be quite so painful this year for me to make the trip back (back here after New Years I mean).

Finally, and on a completely different subject: 1.) I finished Stranger Things. Someone please come and hold me and let us discus my deep love for my Sweet Winter's Child, Eleven. 2.) Hannah got me onto The Adventure Zone, this amazing podcast of the mcelroy bros and thier dad playing DnD - I have gotten really interested in DnD recently, and luckily my sister has too! So that's given me more to continue looking forward too. Seriously tho go listen to this show.

I think all in all I'm not out of the woods - looking around at the state of my room and feeling the extreme reluctance I'm feeling towards cleaning it says that much - but I had to share that I have had probably the best week I've had since I moved to Oxford, or since I graduated JBU. I've gotten work done, I've talked with friends, I've watched good shows and played good games, and did I mention I got actual work done? I mean it's not finished or whatever but it's finished enough for me to take a weekend off! And that is truly remarkable. Oh also, Thanksgiving was great and the staff here at college did a FANTASTIC job, they really blew me away with the lunch they made us for thanksgiving, thank you so much Wycliffe kitchen!! That was simply wonderful.

Thank you as always for reading.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

P.S. I've had Christmas music stuck in my head for several days now and I am 100% okay with this. "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" is one of the most theological and beautiful songs I have ever heard and I think we should sing it all year.

Remember remember the - how on earth is it the 5th of November?

(Okay so today is the 4th. Same diff. Almost N7 day!)

You guys. It's November. How in God's good green earth is it NOVEMBER?

Uhhhg.

It's been so long since I've posted. But at the same time I have no clue what I ought to say. What has happened this October, let's see...

Not a lot. Or at least it sure feels like it.

I've stumbled my way through drafting an essay - or at least half of one. Gosh, this essay is gonna be bad and I have NO TIME to write it. Now i've got to start a second one! I am really hoping that this second essay will go well, as it's going to be - hopefully! - the start of my study of games. But I just have so little time!!!

What else? I can't remember what I've already told you and I'm too lazy to go back and check. Well this is the last term I'm required to attend seminars, so I've been going to 2 a week. One is one I did last year, Aristotle's Ethics. In a way it's good because I feel like I actually know what's going on now. But also it is just kind of... boring. Really easy to zone out in. The other seminar though is GREAT. It's on Feminist Philosophy and I am really enjoying it. The teacher is wonderful and I love the way she has set up the class - it's structured enough to allow us to dig into really meaty questions while open enough to encourage everyone to share. Als the stuff we're reading - I've never read this kind of stuff before and it's SO interesting. We've done a lot on how we define "gender" and how we define "philosophy" and it's been good. A lot of it is about challenging the way philosophy is done - and you know what? That's what I need right now.

I think I've said it before but the longer I've spent in Oxford doing philosophy the more I've come to hate philosophy. I just don't care for it, I don't want to do it, I'm not invested, and I feel like ths things I do want to do "don't count" as philosophy. But maybe a lot of that is because of the extremely constricted way philosophy is done in academia and in oxford - a very analytic form of philosophy. And that's not ME. But maybe that's not all of what philosophy should be. I dunno. It's interesting to say the least. I don't think I will submit an essay about feminist philosophy but I'm enjoying reading it.

It is fall here - winter, practically, and it is SO BEAUTIFUL. I will probably post some pictures this weekend, as I've been on several walks to just admire the bright yellow trees :) It got really cold over the last few days tho! And it's starting to get very dark at like 5pm now or even earlier.

I've finally started to get something of a rythm to my weeks. Kind of. So that's good. It got really interrupted last week though because I got sick - or at least I had a really terrible week of allergies. I had a sore throat, which I normally know is the first sign of catching cold, but the cold never came. I just had a sore throught and extreme fatigue for a few days, and had to take naps every day. Feeling mostly better now.

I really don't know what else to say. I've been meaning to post on this blog for ages and I'm finally doing it but I dunno what else I have to share. I've been working my way through the Discworld books (Terry Pratchett) via audiobook.

Oh! the best thing that happened this week: I got to meet a dog the other day!! Someone here are college has asked if I would like to dog sit for them on Tuesdays which is all kinds of wonderful. They are SUPER nice and their dog is super chill but gets lonely. So I might get to take the bus to their house and just do some reading and take their dog on a walk and stuff on Tuesdays now. Which is awesome. Because I really miss having a dog. (Also seriously these people are SO NICE)

I'm still trying to figure out what my next essay will be on. I think it will be submitted under the heading of "Ethics" but I would love it to be about games, and I would really rather NOT do the issue of violence because that is so overdone. But we shall see. I'll talk to my supervisor about it on Monday.

I'm still really nervous about my ability to get these two essays prepared by 0th week of Hillary (2nd week of January) because I'm going home for Christmas. Which is fantastic! I am super looking forward to being with my family and friends. But I'll definitely have to bring work home with me this time. I really wish I had my marks from the last batch to see how well I need to do on the next...

What elllllssse? I started watching Stranger Things. I'm not done yet so no spoilers! but it is SO GOOD so far. Anyway that was my Halloween. Ummm idk what else. Life has been pretty up and down, but for once I remember to write while i was in a good mood rather than the opposite.

I can't believe I STILL HAVEN'T made any posts about my summer trip. It feels like ages ago now! I am so sorry guys. Maybe I'll try to do that while I'm home? No promises.

I guess I'll wrap up here since I've said "what else?" several times now. This has been your monthly news update :P

Thank you again to everyone who reads this. I love y'all!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Rissa

I'm still here

Wow guys I am SO sorry that I haven't really posted on this blog all summer! And now term is about to start. Sheesh!

Let's be real for a sec: I have had a really good summer and an especially good last few weeks. The weather here has been PERFECT and I have spent a LOT of time just laying outside listening to audiobooks in the sun.

That said, at this very moment in time I'm feeling a bit more... melancholic. As I said, term is starting. Tons of new students have flooded the city and now I'm a returning student - a 2nd year. Last year, all the 2nd years i met seemed to be in such a better position than me, like they knew what they were doing. Well, now I guess I know what BS that was because i sure don't. Also my student bill for the term came in and... dang. despite everything, and all the amazing generosity of my parents and the blessings God has lavished on me my whole life, it feels hard to justify this kind of expense.

I still feel like... like I'm not really a graduate student. Like I'm not doing it right. Like I'm doing the bear minimum amount of work, and like I'm not REALLY getting anything out of this Masters program besides a degree. And like that's wrong, or at least sad.

People keep asking what I'm doing after graduation - or rather they keep asking if I'm staying for the DPhil, to which the answer is now a solid NO, and then asking why not and what I'm doing instead. And I now have a bit of a story to tell them - I want to go home and maybe try my hand teaching/subbing for a bit before i decide if i want to do a PhD (even though I don't know what else I could do). But... that story sounds made up even to me, you know? The confidence I find in it is a lie.

uhg wow I am sorry to jump right back in here! I really have had a good summer and I really did intend to come on here to tell you about it at last! dang it. Why do I seem to only ever write while I feel down? Maybe it's a sign to you that I've had a good summer that I HAVENT been writing about it!

anyway thanks again for reading the crap i post on here. I really miss all of y'all. a lot. I... right now I would like to be home. Or, well, rather, I would really love all of you to be here. I miss everyone back home and I miss everyone from JBU, but let's be honest it's actually autumn here (my favorite time of year) and it's totally still summer back there, weather wise.

Let's see, updates... I got two more essays turned in, I've a meeting tomorrow to discuss the final 3. I have NO IDEA what to write on for 2 of those. I've officially decided that I'm not playing rugby anymore. Not for this term anyway. maybe not again. I may have to make a full post about this, as it's a decision i turned over and over in my mind a lot and defended against myself a lot. What else... I've been reading/listening to Terry Pratchett's books, and finished his series about Commander Vimes, so if you know those we can talk now. I played through ME3 on Insanity mode. I, um... I'm sure there are other things? idk.......

Today was the first day in a while I've felt really... i don't know what to call it anymore. but I guess it's good that today is the first day in a while, as that means i was doing fine for a while. It's that feeling again though of "I used to care. What happened? why do I no longer care?" I honestly feel like I used to have a good mind, a critical, involved, engaged mind, and now i just kind of.... coast here.

Oh there's something. I voted in the US election (and Texas and Denton and Flower Mound elections as they are all attached). Just finished the paperwork actually, and intend to mail in my ballot tomorrow. I know it's early but I had already decided on the presidential race and it's not like I'm going to hear anything new about the local ones all the way out here. Anyway for me this is a first; I've never actually voted before. So yeah. Patriotism! lol.

There are so many good stories I am sure I could share if I could just remember them and engage with them enough to tell you. There have been times I have thought "oh i have to write about this in my blog!"

Oh here's something; had I moved rooms last time we talked? I'm too lazy to go re-read my old posts to find out. This is a good story, don't worry.

So. I moved rooms, or rather I was moved. There is a bit of drama here so let's start from the beginning. Wycliffe is having some trouble housing everyone this year, and originally I was going to be moved against my will to the other side of the city. I was rather unhappy about this. Some time in the summer I was emailed saying that this was no longer the case, and was happy. I did not hear more, and I was sort of hoping they would just let me keep the room I had as that would obviously be the easiest way. But alas, I was emailed asking if I could, within the next 4 or so days, move house. Luckily, I was only moved one building over, so I'm basically still on "campus". The room is not as nice, but that's not to say it's a bad room, that's just to say that my old room was VERY nice. Also this new room has two disadvantages (besides being smaller); 1.) it's on basement level. this is bad because it means I don't get much natural light. I have one small window which faces roughly north-west, and most of it is blocked by a bush. I think this will be very bad for me mentally. 2.) The wifi is CRAP in this new building. Idk what wycliffe is doing with the wifi in general actually but it's not okay. so we've been on the new IT guy's case a bit.

ANYWAY the actual good part of this story was my moving. So there was 4-5 days between when I was asked to move and when they needed me to turn in my keys, and I'll be honest those 4-5 days were NOT OKAY for me. Like I was REALLY troubled by this. I don't know why it was SO emotionally exhausting for me but it really REALLY was. Like. Bad. Like really bad. Like really very bad. Like my depression has not often kept me awake at night but it did then. Anyway. The night I was set to move on Sunday night I made the best of it, and I woke up the next morning in my new room and.... and I was ok. Like. I'm not here to tell you it was dramatic or like a huge revelation moment. In fact it feels more remarkable because it WASNT that. I am not sure how I can explain this... I don't think I can emphasis enough the change here or how much I needed it.

Here's the thing with this whole depression thing. It's not that I don't ever feel happy. That's not the case. This wonderful shift was not from depressed/anxious->happy. it was better than that. It was an overnight shift from depressed/anxious->normal. And... unless you've ever been depressed like this i don't think you will understand what a gloriously blessed state it is to just feel... okay. Just honestly feel okay. feel normal. it's like a huge weight just.. vanished. not dramatically, more like it had never been there.

So yeah praise God for that! It was this crazy mix of climax and anti-climax for me, with a strange catharsis there. Sadly, this only extended over my crisis over housing, and has not made me suddenly feel okay about everything else in my life or about my school. Wouldn't that have been nice?

I don't know what's going to go down this term. Bu I thank you all for your prayers and for your messages and for your company. I am... honestly I am very frightened of this winter. Last winter was very bad (not like cold i mean like bad for me personally) and I am terrified that this one will be like that but worse. I miss you guys. a lot.

I really was going to try to write to you about my big trip some time. I hope I do so soon.

Thank you again.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R

PS  as i was walking here earlier i was listening to one of Rend Collective's songs and it mentioned my status as a child of God, and that's a phrase we throw around a lot but i dunno it just kind of hit me this time... like. why does a daughter of the being that created the universe have to feel like this? idk... that's proabbly not the right question to ask but. yeah. it's an empowering thought, that relation/status/identity it really can be but yeah. it's a funny ol' world we live in, eh?

August is so much better when it's not ten thousand degrees outside...

'Sup?

We haven't talked in a while.

I've been.... I was going to say I've been okay. I've been up and down. I've been better than okay and I've been a lot worse too. right now I amd juuuust comming out of one of the biggest "downs" I've had all summer... but i thought i should update. not sure what I'll have to say.

It's morning, for once. I don't normally write in the mornings. Mostly i use mornings to procrastinate as hard as possible... maybe that's what this is. But I mean technically, it's a holiday here. Apparently. For reasons.... Britain is so weird you guys.

no but seriously the library I need is closed today because it's a Bank Holiday. So... maybe I'll get around to my essays. But for once in my life I'm going to not even feel like I should feel bad about resting this morning.

Weather has been amazing here this week. Meaning it's been cold and rainy and bright and sunny and just perfect. There was thunder two days ago. And hail. I loved it.

I found a new book series I really like. Graphic novel, I should say - lol, I don't have time for book series! I went down to the library on Saturday but they were closed for the long weekend, so I went to find a coffee shop. For some reason I had kind of forgotten that we have a starbucks? (which I mean chai tea latte so yes) so I ended up in the Waterstones cafe (that's a bookstore btw) but there were no tables for me to work at sooo.... I found myself back in the sci-fi/fantasy section and definitely NOT on my laptop. I sat there for a few hours and read the first 3 volumes of Lumberjanes. It was fantastic. It hailed. Big hail. Bigger than dime size, I would say to the Americans - dimes are about the same as 5p size to the Brits. But yeah these graphic novels are just really great. They are funny and well written, and have great character that are diverse without all being tropes. Their kind of humor and wit is just the sort I love. Also, these books are, much like Steven Universe is on TV, the type of book that have SO MUCH that kids need to see. These are the types of books that I needed as a kid. They would have saved me a lot of trouble in my understanding of gender growing up. (we should talk about that, but maybe some other time) I, uh.. maybe have gone home and bought the first 5 volumes on ebay.... but hey, it was 5 volumes of graphic novel (that's like 20 issues) for around half the price of a major video game. They're supposed to be here by Friday.

What else? I finally FINALLY made *some* progress on my paper, though both are far from finished. Feeling a bit better about that. What I need to do is STOP thinking ahead and just focus on these two papers. I just need to make it through September, and THEN I can worry about making it through November. But to be honest? I am pretty darn scared of not being able to make it through to Christmas. I've got a LOT of work to do.

There have been other things, I am sure. Some days I really good - filled with good conversations at the philosophy grad studies room and at wycliffe. With rain and sun and music. Other days... I've gone through another gigantic wave of loneliness and homesickness. It's been hard. I'll just... I'm gonna take a chance here and say: if you're reading this, and you're in Oxford, the next time you see me just give me a hug, if that's alright...

One of the biggest things I've learned about myself here at Oxford is... well the biggest is my extreme lack of discipline... but one of the other biggest is that I have a VERY high need for physical touch and for quality one-on-one time with others. And both of those I had a LOT of growing up and even MORE at JBU. And then I moved here and it's just... gone. And it's been really difficult to try and get back.

Let's see what else...? I've been cooking more. Made some of the recipes my mom always makes. Guys my mom is such a good cook yall dont even know. And she has really good taste. Yum. Some are harder than others because - DID y'all know they don't have RANCH here??! I mean really. It's the worst. Ok, sorry. I am sure there will be food things I miss a lot when I go home. Like jaffa cakes....

Oh speaking of Jaffa cakes! The Great British Bake Off is back on! I'm not sure my american friends have had a chance to watch it yet but this is a great batch of bakers (get it? batch? ok you get it...) and i forgot how much I love this show. So my TV watching, which I often claim is practically non-existent now stands at: Steven Universe (just now on hiatus), Game of Thrones (also on hiatus), and GBBO (just now back fro hiatus). I'll probably pick Sherlock back up if that ever comes back...

Oh. Yeah. Also... the Olympics happened. I got to watch bits and pieces. Mostly whenever I syped home and they were watching, which was mainly equestrian. Got to watch a bit of judo and some weightlifting. Missed all the gymnastics unfortunately. The thing I watched the most of was women's football, for obvious reasons... and I am slow to mention it for more obvious reasons. You guys. That. hurt. I love the USWNT and they did SO WELL. It honestly did physically hurt, what happened. I... I went and bought myself ice cream and worse my USWNT scarf for like 24 hours....And just to mentioned it once and then move on - there will be no hating on any of the girls including Solo around me, I love them all and our amazing GK does not deserve all the hate she's gotten. I hope and pray that these girls are alright, after that. They still are THE BEST team and I love them.

Um yeah, can't think of much else. Just wanted to update, and apologize again for the fact that I spent a month gallivanting across most of europe and still haven't written about it!!! I guess it's like... I could never write a post worth of it, so I just haven't tried? Besides y'all got a TON of pictures already... I'm afraid I've already started to forget my trip - it really doesn't feel like a real thing that really happened. Hah, I swear the biggest reminder is the fact that my arms are still a little more tan than they've been in at least 6-7 years.

It's not even 11am but I'm considering gong back to bed... I don't know WHY I am so tired today...

Oh! knock on wood, but here is the most surprising thing so far these past two months: I have not gotten sick. Like seriously? How? I get sick/have a major allergy attack EVERY time I travel ANYWHERE. But then I make this huge trip and travel more than ever and... i don't? I am suspicious. So.... Basically every time something happens to my health now I'm just like "oh this is it I should stock up on kleenex and tea now..." but the axe has yet to fall.

So, I suppose, on that note,

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, prais ehim all creatures here below, prais ehim above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R

[insert clever title here]

So, once again, it's been a while. I wanted to be all organized about this. I wanted to be organized and make separate posts all in order and I wanted to share stories before I forgot them because honestly at this point I forget that you guys DON'T know all the stories. Some I have shared with some of you or with others, but yeah. I've taken long enough that my trip is starting to feel like something that happened a while ago, that everyone has come to terms with.

In all honesty I'm not sure I'm going to talk about my trip in this post. Because it is time once again for Rissa to make one of those ramble-y depressed posts that this blog is so full of. Thanks for bearing with.

Let me start with the preface that I'm not feeling super good this morning. I am more tired than I ought to be, my insides are unhappy with me over my recent diet, and on the whole... blech. You know?

I have been trying for that last two weeks to convince myself to do work. My essays need work. They need re-writing. I need to figure out what in God's good green earth I mean to SAY in them. I have some time, but if I keep going at this rate it won't matter.

I need to get these essays into a passable state. That's all I'm going for now. Passable. All of you who knew me at JBU, you didn't think I'd ever been one relying on the old joke: "Ds make Degrees", did you? Well I am. And you know what? They do.

It's probably breaking my own confidentiality to discuss my marks. But let's just say I'm officially out of the running for an distinction, and it feels like an actual act of grace that allowed me to not need to re-submit both of the essays I turned in last term. I didn't think the essays were that good but honestly I felt they were at least a little better than the bare minimum. It's not an encouraging thought.

Honestly? It... kind of makes me want to give up. I mean yes, I passed. I can still graduate. But it makes me really worry that these next essays, or the essays after that, WONT pass. And at this point? If I have to re-submit any of my 6 essays? I would very very seriously consider giving up. Leaving. Going home. I told myself I wouldn't go home without a degree, and I do not intend to. But... God help me.

So yeah. I have... lost all motivation again. All of it. for... everything. I don't want to do anything. I don't necessarily want to do nothing, that feels bad too, but I also don't want to do anything. Luckily, and by the grace of God, I still feel motivated to go to church. That is still important in a way not many things are to me right now. But even that I wonder if it's more important for me to see my friends there than the spiritual side is. Well, who can say?

I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog about that. Like... I've had a theological education. Y'all know that, a lot of you were parts of that. I haven't ever had a super spiritual life, but it's always been there right? These days it's felt like... one like I've forgotten all of it. Like all of it, if it's in my head, is locked away somewhere. And two, like what I can access is just facts. I can sound REALLY DANG SMART about theological things. I can even talk about Greek. But.... It's not my life, you know? It never has been. I don't know what it would look like for that to be my life. Right now I'm hoping that what it looks like is a tired old "let's get own with it" attitude which insists to itself that God has a plan. I've stopped trying to gain insight into this plan. I've stopped trying to see the big picture. And I think that's really bad for me.

just processing out loud there, you know me. Just... yeah. Pray for me. Thanks. Just to say this has nothing to do with my trip - when I am feeling a bit better I promise to tell y'all about that. This has everything to do with me being back at Uni again.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is games. So here's the thing. I spend an inordinate amount of time playing video games. Often at times when I shouldn't be. I realize this. I also realize that allowing this is making me pass up moments that I could turn around and could prove helpful, you know? I've been wondering if this has gotten to the point of being a harmful addiction. Maybe it has. But it's like this.... Sometimes I feel like I play video games as if it is my job. As if it's the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is finishing this play through of Rise of the Tomb Raider, or leveling up in Overwatch. And the reason for that is that these days it is the only thing that captures my interest, the only thing I have any motivation to do. I still CARE about games, in a time when I feel like I lost the ability to care about anything.

That sounds so pathetic. Sounds like this is all I have left. Rest assure I do other things. I've been walking a lot, just to walk around. I have been doing at least SOME work on my essays, though not nearly enough.

I am not well read enough to be in Oxford, and I do not like reading enough. I love the IDEA of reading, sure, and I have read some great stuff, but I somehow don't actually enjoy reading for the sake of it, no matter how convinced I used to be that I did, and no matter how laudable I find such pleasure. I wish I did enjoy it. I know a lot of people who do. But I... don't. I am lazy. SO lazy. I want nothing more than to finish these essays with the minimum reading possible, even though even saying that out loud, it seems like a vile attitude.

I just really wish I cared about this stuff. I did. I want to. What happened? WHY do I not care? HOW do I not care?

It's like my very personality has been changed. I know some of y'all love Myers-Briggs stuff. Mine is INTP. But every time I read descriptions of that these days it's like "screw that guy, all that about intelligence, it's almost a joke". It's like my values have changed. Like I've used up all the intelleigence, all the philosophy I've got - I've reached my quota, it's time for something else now. But it's not as if I'm prepared for anything else.

I feel empty. I feel full of fog. I feel tired. I feel like I just can't. Something in my head is telling me that this is the time in which people meet God. But even that, based on what I know of me and my life so far? Feels like I could never do it in anything more than a passing manor, which I forget by the next morning. I need the Lord to just take hold of me, insist on being in my mind, not allow me to go or be distracted. I don't know how.

Uhg, why am I sharing all of this? It will only make you worry. This is the party where I, truthfully, assure you that I'm not always like this. That I've actually had a pretty good week, have had some good times, have had fun, talked with friends, the lot. Even made some progress in my work, though little. I don't mean you to worry. I just have to get this stuff out there. It helps - a lot - to say it.

I wish I had determination. Passion. Drive. I wish I had a goal. I want to be like Lara Croft - driven, capable, willing to push herself. But I'm not any of those things. I'm not even interested any more, which used to be pretty chief for me.

I feel like I need to take a nap. Which probably means I should do the exact opposite and take a walk or something.

How many days, how often, can I keep allowing myself to take days off of work before I run out of days?

I have not been often hesitant about posting things, but I really don't know if I even want to know the reaction to this. I'm sure I've made you sad, made you worried, made you concerned. I'm sorry. Please remember what I said in a previous post: For you, reading all of this, this might be news to you, the first time hearing, you might feel the need to respond or react as if you can cut this off at the start and help. But for me, writing all of this down is one of the final stages after letting it stew in my mind for a while now. If I have reached the point of writing this down and posting it, I have reached a point where I have done all the talking about it that I want to do for a while, and will probably be irrationally begrudging if you want to talk about it. I am sorry for this too. Thank you for wanting to help. I probably need it. I ask your patience with me.

Thanks again for continuing to read this blog, even if I never update and when I do it's this mess. Again.

Have I ever mentioned how terribly hard it is to say any of this in person? Somehow by the time I get to a counselor's office and try to say all this again, my problems seem so small and not-really-that-bad that I barely know why I bothered the counseling office in the first place. It feels silly. I don't know what to say. And it helps for a little bit but never for long. Partly because I'm often to lazy to really work hard on changing anyway.

Ok. Well. I'm actually starting to feel a little bit better now even just having typed this all up. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna take a walk. I know a lot of you are just waking up. Good morning. Sorry if I've made it a not-so-great morning. Sorry if I'm worrying you.

Gonna go catch some Pokemon take a walk.

Thanks
R

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

About that whole travel blog thing...

That was... a joke, right?

I honestly don't know WHY I thought I would have or take time to write blog posts this past month. They actually do take considerable time and effort! I tried once or twice in the beginning, while I was waiting in line I would write on my phone, etc. But there is so much more to see and do! Also I took a BUTT LOAD of pictures, and my down time in hostels was mostly spent combing through them and trying to wrestle them onto Facebook. I have 8 new albums up!

There is so much to say I will never get through all of it. I've been debating how I wanna do this - do I want to write you a post from each city just telling you what I did? Do I not want to go into all of that detail? One thing I do want to do is construct a sort of hints and tips guide. For now, I pray your indulgence while I figure this out, and I'll give you a tiny low-down for the interim:

My trip was fantastic. I am so blessed, and I was so very looked after the whole time. Honestly? Nothing really bad happened. How crazy is that?? I met cool people and saw beautiful things and went places I never dreamed I would actually go! It's actually still really hard to believe that it happened. It almost feels like something I watched, the way it is in my memory. That's... actually something I'm worried about. losing this memory. but I won't dwell on that now.

I. Am. Exhausted. Travelling. Is. Exhausting. And I was only gone for a month! I met several people on my journies that had been gone as much as 3 or SIX months! I don't know how. About halfway through my trip I had a big wave of "and why did I think 4 weeks was ok??" - I really felt like calling it, and going back home. But I had already booked the hostels, and I would be wasting my interrail, so I kept on, and I am so glad I did!

Mainly the worst part about this trip was: It is summer. Now here's the thing: I grew up with Texas summers. But SOMEHOW, without even having lived through a summer in Britain yet, I seem to have forgotten that summer is EFFING HOT, and that sweating is the actual worst. Also I didn't pack for it - in my defense I was only packing with from the things I brought from Texas to the UK, which was not a lot of summer clothing. In any case, Italy in the summer, when you are unprepared, is REALLY miserable. But I made it! And the North was much cooler, praise the Lord.

As I said I will hopefully post more later. Right now? You could help me by praying for the rest of my summer. I really need to transition into WORK mode soon, which I have a feeling will be very very difficult. But I have a LOT of work to do. And I really need to do it. I finally got my marks for my first two submitted essays while I was gone and well, let's just say I need to work harder, and I won't be getting a distinction any time soon. But that's ok! So long as I graduate, I'm grand. Haha you never thought *I* would be the one claiming "Ds make Degrees!" did you? Well they do.

Also, as I said in a status, I managed to not hurt myself much this trip (with one tiny scare about my weak knee), but the very last day, while walking through Brussels on the way home, I think I strained my back or pinched a nerve or something and if it doesn't get better I might have to go see a doctor or something. Uhg I hate seeing doctors, and I have no clue how the NHS system works. Do I see a GP for something like this? or go straight to a chiropractor?? I dunno.

I've got a lot of thoughts to share but it might take a while to organize them. Still, if I don't post more in the next few days, come yell at me, before I start to forget what Paris was like.

Thanks as always for reading, and sorry for not making good on my promise to post AT ALL!

Rissa

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Dear Lord, this is happening.

You guys this is happening. What is this?

I haven't even left yet. It's the night before, and this feels surreal. Like I'm going to be gone. For a month. I'm kind of saying goodbye to my nice laptop and to my bed. I will miss you, Normandy (yes that the Laptop's name, because of course it is), and I will miss you, foam mattress topper. I will miss the privacy of having my own room.

Anyway the real reason I'm posting isn't all that, it's that there was a section I forgot to get to in that last post, and wanted to share. And that is prayer:

A lot of the time people ask things like "how can I pray for you" and that is an amazing question. And I wanted to write down here, in ink - er, digital space - my prayers for this trip.

First and foremost, that I am prayerful. I am, I will be the first to admit, NOT a prayerful person. Don't take this post as a "this is something I always do" because it's NOT. I'm not a prayerful person. Bu I wish I was. Because every time I am, the quality of my life - my attitude, my joy - goes up. By a lot. It skyrockets. But I still manage to somehow VERY RARELY let that happen. I am about to be travelling alone for a month through several beautiful countries. I pray most of all that through thick and thin, through fear and through beauty, through history and modern life, through panic and loneliness and confusion and through gasps of joy and squees of delight, that I am prayerful and considerate of God's plan and will and role and love and power. For me, and for all those whose stories made the history (and at time the fiction!) of the places I see real. I want to be mindful and prayerful, because I haven't been. And this is worth it.

Second I hope that I can honestly relax, and feel the freedom I talked about earlier - let myself be free. Right now, the night before, I'm super worried. I have this thing where NO MATTER what the plans are - no matter how awesome - the day before I spend the whole day NOT wanting to go. Like nope, changed my mind, not worth it. Let's stay home and make tea. I'm hoping that that doesn't come back throughout this trip. This whole thing really is INSANE.

Third, general travel safety of course - several of you are concerned about my lack of weaponry. I'm not a fan of running afoul of customs officers and I have no idea what the view of weapons are, but honestly? Weapons are only good if they are at hand, and I don't think I will want to go around carrying one my whole trip. That said, general prayers for safety never go awry. I'm not worried but I'm also not there yet. Mostly I pray that the hostels I picked are good, and that my 3 overnight train rides go ok.

Fourth, general well being. I very VERY often get sick (a cold/allergies) when I travel and that would SUCK. I also just don't know where to get basic things like food, medicine, or even cash in most of these cities! Also I will obviously be lugging around a VERY heavy backpack and walking a lot and don't know how well I'll sleep and all those things too. My back and my legs are already tired just from life in general. I'm really hoping they don't give out on me now. Pray my shoes serve me as well as ever on this front too as I'm only bringing the one trusted pair. 

I guess that's it for now. I should sleep. Not sure I can. If I sleep this will be real. I don't think I'm ready for that. Pray I can wake up and get going without too much stress. I'm making myself get a SUPER EARLY bus to London (where I will catch the bus to Paris) because I'm paranoid. I will spend almost all of tomorrow on a bus, which does not sound fun. But after THAT hopefully everything will be better.

This is crazy.

I really need prayer on that first point.

Thanks again for reading. 

Rissa

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

There's a Million Things I Haven't Done, but Just You Wait

Ok so it's been like a month. Sorry about that. And to top off my silence, this post isn't even an update on this month past! It is, rather, an update on the month to come.

First, I want to say thank you again to everyone who has been reading this blog. This blog is both public and personal, and serves several purposes, the foremost of which is promoting my own mental health, and only second to this is any benefit to my readers (which is often also benefit to me: so that I don't have to give each of you the same update and tell each of you the same stories time and again). For some of you I don't know why you keep up with this blog, but I want to thank you for your love for and interest in me. Whether you comment or not, it means a lot to me that people read this blog. It's a mess, a REAL mess, and often is not exactly uplifting or inspiring. So thank you for sticking with me, thick and thin, through update and silence.

Now comes the fun stuff. This post is mostly to announce a change in pace in my life and my blog, as this blog will, for the next month, become a Travel Blog!

As most of you already know, in less than two days, I am setting out on an ADVENTURE! - I am going to spend almost a month on a solo backpacking tour around Europe! I'll be riding trains and crashing in hostels in 8 cities (in 6 countries), plus a few more. I wanted to give y'all an overview of my trip before I left.

On Wednesday, July 6th, I'll be leaving bright and early to catch a bus to London, which will connect me with a bus to Paris (taking a ferry over the channel). I spend three nights there, and then board a sleeper train to Venice, Italy! Three nights later I'm off to Florence, to spend three nights there and move on to Rome. Then it's a night's train ride to Salzburg, four days there - mostly to rest! By this point I know I will be EXHAUSTED - then another night's ride to Berlin, where I'll be three nights before I'm off to Copenhagen for three nights, and then Amsterdam for the same length of time. Finally, I'll board a train to Brussels, where I will spend just a few hours (basically I'll grab lunch and walk across the city from one station to another) before I'm on a bus (via ferry again) back to London, to catch the night bus home to Oxford on August 3rd.

Well that was a lightning fast overview of the next month of my life! I've several thoughts about this, the foremost that I. Am going. To die. This trip is going to be absolutely exhausting. I know that. I honestly should have done more to prep my body! I've never been on a trip like this longer than two weeks, and I've only been on a trip living out of a backpack once, and that was with my family. I've never traveled solo for more than three days, and I've never been in a country where English is not the #1 language! So those are some of the worries. Mostly, I'm worried about burn-out - that a few weeks in I'll be wishing I was back home in my bed with my gaming laptop and a proper kitchen and a reliable shower and laundry machines.

Overall though, the main point of this trip is FREEDOM. I have very VERY few commitments, and I am going alone. If you've never traveled alone then you don't understand how absolutely liberating it is, but it really is, trust me. Yes I am sad that I won't have my friends to share all the sights with - but that's what my phone camera and this blog are for!  - But seriously travelling solo is SO much less stressful. The only commitments I have are the trains I have booked passage on - all but one of which can be easily re-booked - and the hostels I'll be staying in. Other than that? I've no one else to worry about or disappoint. If *I* am ok, then everyone in my party is ok :) If I want to go see the Eiffel tower I can, and if I think it's a bit overrated and would rather stay near Notre Dame I can totally do that too. I have not planned out each day and its activities. (In fact - if you've been to/are in any of these cites, I'm totally open to suggestions for what to see/do/try/taste!)

 Speaking of FREEDOM - let me take a moment not to say HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, AMERICA!! The other expats and I shall be celebrating tonight, and I have Dr. Pepper BBQ pulled pork in the slow cooker downstairs! Oh BBQ, how I have missed you. My act of patriotic pride today, however - not that Dr. Pepper BBQ Pork isn't patriotic, it totally is - was mailing in my overseas absentee ballot request form. I know, paperwork. Yuck. And politics. Even worse. But still! I've never actually voted in an American election before - can you believe that four years ago in voting season I was, as now, in the UK? I was in Belfast, and I didn't get my request form mailed in time, so I missed it). And even though this year is MESSED UP and disgusts me, I can still have a tiny voice in this election even overseas. Or at least I will if no one messed up this paperwork...

I hope you all have a very good 4th of July wherever you are - even if that's just another Monday to you. Next time I update I may be on my way to or already in Paris! I will have pictures, believe me. So. Many. Pictures.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above, yes heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Thanks again for reading
Rissa

P.S. I'm going to admit here that one of the primary reasons I'm spending so much of my trip in Italy is tied directly to a certain video game series. Please excuse the fact that I will spend the next month freaking out that I am going to the real-life version of the places Ezio climbed. Also please indulge the many Bioshock Infinite references likely to come from my first stop. After I turn and head north I'll be out of video game territory but I'm sure I'll find some way to tie them back in :)

P.P.S. Speaking of video games, I have somehow on this blog and on FB still managed to not mention my newest obsession: UNDERTALE. I blame this on several of my friends, and thank them profusely for doing this to me. If you haven't played this game PLEASE do so, and if you have PLEASE message me because I have far too many thoughts about how amazing this game is and I WILL ramble to you for several hours about my love for this game at the slightest provocation. Stay determined, my friends.

P.P.P.S. It's just past 2pm and I've listened to Hamilton twice already today. 'MERICA!

Right. Blogging. Right. That's a thing I'm supposed to do.

Sorry again for the long break in between these posts. Although honestly if I blogged every day, it might be just as jarring in change of mood than it is when I let weeks go by.

This week and last weekend have been really lovely. If we are friends on Facebook, then you have probably seen the many, many pictures and videos I posted recently from my trip to Warwick Castle. I'm not gonna lie, I mostly went to see their trebuchet, and that probably shows in the photo album. (trust me, I only posted like 1/3 of the pictures I took of Ursa - that's her name, btw).

If you didn't know, I took this trip as a celebration of my birthday, which was actually two days later on Monday (I went early because they didn't have as many events lined up on my actual birthday - including no trebuchet! The horror!) I had a bit of an.... adventure with the trains getting there. (Basically I missed my first train by a matter of moments, and the next train was a slightly different route, I missed my proper exchange station, went too far, and then had to walk to a different station and wait for another train to take me back where I wanted to go! The train company was really good about it though and helped me out.) And a lot of the stuff at the castle was kind of childish (don't ever bother with their "castle dungeon" things) but it was fun. And it was good to be out of Oxford for a bit.

My actual birthday was also really, really, really nice. I had considered doing something, like seeing a show in London, but that sounded stressful, so instead I opted to simply not. do. work. The weather was GORGEOUS, so that helped. Also, upon waking up, the first thing I found, sitting right outside my door, was a cake! My neighbor Simon, who bakes a lot, had made me a surprise birthday cake! So later that day I was able to have a bit of a laid-back celebration of my own by just inviting some of my best Wycliffe friends over to share the cake :) It was (is! there is still some in the fridge downstairs) a very dense, fudgy, cake, and it was marvelous. In between the morning and then, I took a nice walk around Oxford (They have been filming the next series of Endeavor around town lately, and I swung by a few of their locations - I didn't see anyone really as they were filming inside, but I saw their trucks and equipment, etc. I'm just so happy that they are making more!) and met for tea with two friends from the US who are around for a conference (and whom I met while they were on study abroad semesters here with Wycliffe) and we got to chat for a long time, which was just really, really nice. In the evening, I went to a fancier get-together that another friend was having (someone else at Wycliffe has the exact same birthday as me!), and to cap it all off I skyped my sisters back home at 10pm, to wish them happy birthday too! (And Cami sent me the most amazing of birthday presents. Fight me. I died. I'm actually dead writing this.) So yes all around lovely - I didn't do any work Or play any video games (shocker!) and I spend the whole day talking with friends. It was great.

I've had some trouble transitioning form this weekend of celebration back into the workweek, however. I was able to ask my supervisor for a new topic suggestion last week though and I think I've finally FINALLY got some idea for a paper worked out. Now I just have to DO it. But my supervisor has been super helpful. And he's making me feel a bit better about my ability to get these papers done over the summer.

Speaking of summer, I really need to get my plans in gear for that and find rooms! I've pushed my travels back until July, so I've got some time, but not much! And dwindling fast!

Finally, I got to write up my thesis title application this week (not a big deal for the BPhil, as it's not binding). And I am very surprised that this was a "got to", and not "had to", as that's exactly what it was feeling like right up until the point I started writing it. But it actually wrote itself really nicely and easily, and I'm actually know of excited to keep on looking into it. I just really hope that it gets approved and that I get put with a good supervisor - there has been some concern raised about who at Oxford could possible supervise my inquiry into Video Games within philosophy. So we shall see. But as I told a friend last night: If this gets denied I simply DON'T HAVE another topic. And what I mean by that is this: I don't have anything else I care about any more.

I'm gonna try to say all this without getting depressed again but the facts stand thus: At this point I'm not sure I really care about philosophy much anymore. When I got here I cared about metaphysics, ethics, epistemology, Plato and Aristotle, lots of stuff. Nowadays I don't really want to be writing essays in those regards. Especially not a up-to-30000-word dissertation! But I do care about video games. They might be one of the few things I do still care about. So if I can't write on this topic? I'm not sure what the point of the BPhil will be anymore.

So yeah. Prayers of praise and of petition I guess. I had a really wonderful birthday weekend, but I'm having trouble getting back to work, and moreover, there is an important decision about my work next year that is completely out of my hands, but could really make or break the rest of my time in Oxford.

Thanks guys. Thanks for sticking with me through thick and thin. The amount of support I've received because people like you read this blog has been really staggering.

Rissa

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Hey guys

I feel like I really ought to write a post. It's been a while. Life has been going on. But at the same time I really don't want to. Because I'm lazy and I don't feel like remembering the last few weeks or analyzing my thoughts about them.

But it's been ages.

Things have been normal I guess? Meaning they have been very up and down. The weather has been up and down too, but today it was simply gorgeous. But I... I mean I was outside a bit.

I was going to say I haven't gotten much work done, but it's been a while - I did get a lot of work done, I finished an essay draft for my supervisor and met with him to discuss it. But since then I haven't done much of anything and I feel very bad about that.

The meeting I had with my supervisor was very good - productive. We really looked at some detailed ways that the paper could be improved - not just edited, but like bring out the argument. But I will say, the day before the meeting I got his initial notes, and a few of my friends and family can tell you, it really put me in a state.

One... well I was gonna say one good thing. But one THING which might be good but it sounds weird to call it that because it sounds bad and maybe it is... one thing that came out of this, was a realization/me finally admitting what I've been thinking for ages, that's rather scary and I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. The realization, now that I have a BA in Philosophy and have moved half way across the world to this super expensive city to get a BPhil in Philosophy - is that I don't really want to be a philosopher. I'm not sure that I ever did.

See here's the thing. The reason I wanted to get a BPhil was so that I could get a DPhil/PhD. The only reason I wanted a PhD was so that I could be a professor, and the only reason I wanted to be a professor is so that I could teach. And you know what, maybe I still do want to teach? But all of this is very different from being a Philosopher. I'm not about to make any grand claims about what it means to be a philosopher. Philosophers, I am sure, come in many shapes and sizes (but please don't give me that "everyone is a philosopher!" line - I mean people for whom that is their profession). But I don't know. Now that I'm here neck deep, I really don't like it.

It's not that I don't like Oxford - or at least I don't think it is. It's not that I dislike anyone here, there's no professor out there ruining this for me. It's just that.... I don't CARE about most of this. And the things I do care about? I don't care about philosophy enough to want to/be able to state the things I care about in philosophic terms. Half of the time I read philosophy I want to show "WHO CARES?!" and half of the time I think "this is a great topic - why on earth do we have to be so mechanically thinking about it?" - I say mechanical because somehow it sounds wrong to say "logically". I hopd you know what I mean. Systematic and proofs and UHG does that make sense?

I never wanted to do research. I don't have ideas to contribute. All I wanted was to be able to take philosophical ideas and explain/teach them to others. And you know what?? I'm not sure I want that anymore. I'm not sure I care enough.

These days? The only thing I really care about with any kind of passion are 1.) fiction and 2.) video games (which are a medium of fiction i know i know).

I'm scared of the future. I don't know what it'll be like. Right now all I've decided is that IF I do pursue a PhD in Philosophy - and that is an "if" at this point - I'm not doing it right away. I have no idea what I'll do after this is all over - maybe be productive for once in my life, and earn my keep somewhere? - and i dnot want to think about it now.

All in all, what this realisation has changed is my outlook: The good part of it is that it's releaved some of the "I SHOULD like/enjoy this, but I don't!" pressure. The bad part is that I haven't made it a full year at Oxford yet - I've barely reached the hard part - and already this had become a bare "I just have to graduate. I just have to make it to the end."

I don't know that I can. Make it to the end I mean. I really don't know if I can. Or will. But the one thing which I most want to do and yet want to firmly refuse to do is give up.

That was stated in a very confusing way. What I mean is this: I WANT to give up. Man you should see how much I'm limping as I write this. Every day I'd rather just NOT. But the one thing I want to refuse to do is to do HALF a degree - I am not coming home without this BPhil. I'm just not. Too much has gone into this, and if I walk away now, I will spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" And I cannot have that.

The rest of my life. An odd concept. In my better moods I say all of these things about getting to learn the story the Author of salvation has written for me. I say things about how young I am and how many surprises I'll have and how one day this will all just be a distant memory of something I got through. I talk of destiny and of hope. Right now? right now I'd rather just not. Just not learn that story. Someone can tell it to me later, I don't really have to figure it out myself do I? I don't strongly desire a future - i kind of dread one. Maybe one day I'll look back on this and think about how sad that is, or was, because by then thing will have gotten better. I will have gotten better. But for now?

sorry to be such a downer about all this. it's nearly 11pm. i shouldn't write posts this late. Being depressed in the spring is hard. Not as hard as in the winter but now It's NO NICE I feel bad for not taking advantage and for not enjoying.

Oh, yeah. if I haven't used that word before, or haven't mentioned... I finally went to a few counceling sessions the other day. Because, if you somehow coudlnt' tell, I am depressed. have depression? what's the word there? Whatever. It's not like a weekly thing sadly (it's through the uni and they are super busy) but yeah. at least I've asked for help? not sure what good it will do.

I still feel really lonely, somehow, even though I've had lunch with friend like 3-4 times this week!! What's with that? One thing that Oxford has taught me is how very veyr important physical affection is to me. Which is a bit scary as it seems very hard to come by in the grown up world, and I'm not looking for anything romantic/etc. I need to get a dog... I wish there was a place here in Oxford I could go to interact with a dog. The parks don't cont because all the dogs are so well trained that they ignore me. WHich is impressive but a real shame.

Thanks for reading guys. I'm sorry I taek so long to update and then I do so in SUCH down moods so often. But thanks for reading. Yeah. Feel free to message if you want. And uh, pray I get some actuall work done tomorrow. I really need it.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Cheers, love! The cavalry's here!

By my records (and by my I do mean the internet's) it's been more then 2 weeks since I posted here. Is that abnormal? If feels like it's been ages. I'm not going to try and fill you in on everything that has happened, because I barely remember what was two weeks ago. I guess I'll just skip to now.

I feel very, very normal this morning. That may sound odd, but it's one of the nicest things, and one of the nicest mornings, I have had since I moved to Oxford. It is a cool and quiet and wet morning, cloudy enough to block the harsh sun - as a note of advice: do your best to avoid having a window that faces east or a bed that faces a window. - and full of bird song. I had a rather odd but very pleasant night. I slept, it would seem, straight from 8pm-5am, without even bothering to take my belt and shorts off or to close my window or curtains. I woke feeling more refreshed than just about ever. I think the open window, and the cool spring and lack of blinding light, helped immensely with that.

Obviously I had not laid down with the intent to sleep - I actually texted Hannah "I'm going to lay down for a bit, but not sleep, it's too late for that". Meaning of course that it was too late for a nap. I had not imagined that I would fall asleep and sleep the whole night. But I did and it was beautiful. I woke, refreshed, to the dull light of 5 in the morning, spoke briefly to a few friends who were just about to go to bed themselves (in America), and actually read two chapters of a book my neighbor Simon lent me - for FUN - this is one of the first times I've read a book for fun (aka not for school) since I moved here. (Not that I haven't any other recreational and fictional pursuits - we'll get to that.) It was really nice.

Over all the strangest thing is how I would describe and have described how I feel on this very odd morning. I feel normal. Shockingly normal. I don't know why that't the word for it. I don't feel elated, I don't feel worried, I don't feel stressed. I guess the word is more peaceful. Human. Like life is life and there are things to do and things that may be done, and time for each. It's not as if I'm suddenly on topf of my papers, I'm definitely not, but... you know what no. I'm not pursuing this line of thought. I am not going to talk myself out of this mood and into stress.

The past few days have been gorgeous. Simply beautiful days. But, alas, that which has taken over my life has not been the sun. Overwatch, I am sure you've heard me mention, has been hosting an open Beta this weekend, and I have given just about every spare minute - and some not-so-spare - to playing it. I could talk about this game for ages - and I have. I am in far, far too deep and I don't even own it yet! I'm trying to convince myself that it would be better to wait - after the beta closes to just wait a bit and get it later. After all it's term time, and my birthday is coming up, and after that is summer, when I likely won't have my gaming laptop much. (we can discuss summer plans later. once I have some). But the long and short of it is: I love this game. I was already in love with the design and the characters and the associated short films before the beta opened, but I wasn't sure I would love the game. It is a PvP after all, the game play looked very much like TF2 (which while fun is not fantastic) and if it was anything more serious I would be just as turned off from it as I am by games of the Call of Duty type (I've never actually played those, this isn't a critique as much as an I'm-just-not-interested.) But this game - Overwatch - is just a work of art. There isn't a plot, there aren't cut scenes, and that worried me - the promos seem to have some sort of plot, or at least bad guys and good guys. I like games with plot. Interactive stories. But the game doesn't have a plot in the straightforward sense. Any character can fight alongside or against any other character. The missions are simple capture and escort, without any pretense of what or why. But somehow it doesn't even matter.

This game has, above all else, personality. It's built in. The game doesn't need story and plot to give it personality. It's first person too, you don't even SEE the character you're controlling or the most part. How could each of these very personality-filled characters (I LOVE the character design, I'll get to that) come across well if we can't even see them? The answer is that their personality is built into the mechanics. THIS is what games, and only games, can do well. When you play as Tracer you play differently than when you play as Pharah. You have to. It's built in. But not in a constraining way, in a freeing way - a way that lets you BE that character in a more real sense. Playing as Tracer makes you act like Tracer, maker you feel like Tracer. The voice acting really helps this along, I think. And it's not just her of course - Reinhardt feels like Reinhardt and Mercy like Mercy etc. This is the kind of thing I would love to actually study, but really just love to play. I'll admit that I've actually only played as a small handful of the 21 characters - mainly Tracer, Zarya, Reinhardt, Pharah, Mercy, and Widowmaker. Oh and D.Va. But half of the reason for that is that I really love being those characters, and right now I don't really care to be the others (not that they're bad! Just not... me.)

Anyway like I said I could gush all day. I'll add a few more comments and then try to leave it. 1.) Drama: The drama level in Overwatch is perfect. What I mean by that is that the events of Overwatch feels somehow momentous enough that it feels really honestly heroic to win, but at the same time relaxed enough that it doesn't feel crushing to lose. Its a game that makes you cheer but never rage-quit. It feels great to win, and if you lose you can say "good game" in honesty. I really, REALLY hope that the community helps in keeping this up. Because if anything could damage that balance, it's the players. Right now the pacing, the music, everything seems good for it. Something else that helps keep this is 2.) Gore. Or, more precisely, a complete lack of it. I didn't even notice it at first until I tried comparing Overwatch to TF2. But there Is. No. Blood. in Overwatch. And that is actually really refreshing. When a character dies they fall to the ground - they often cry out. It does feel a bit painful. Or, if you're the one eliminating them (note that the game does you the word "eliminate" not "kill") it feels satisfying. But there is no blood. There aren't even lasting bodies - during the cool down time of re-spawn the player watches a replay of what just happened, (it's well done, keeps you from feeling like you're waiting for waiting's sake) and on the feild they are represented by a glowing golden flame where they were - just in case Mercy is around to revive them during that 5 second delay. This is a game about fighting - a game where everyone even Mercy the healer carries a gun - and yes somehow it is, I would say, honestly kid-friendly. In a way that even TF2 (which overcomes constant character deaths in the opposite way - overdone, comic explosions, nothing like real life but bloody and humorous) isn't. And you wouldn't think it would effect the game that much, but I think it does. It helps the fiction too - calling it "elimination" somehow helps the fantasy that these are the same characters each time, they never actually die. It also helps I think limit frustration. This wouldn't work for every game but it works VERY well for Overwatch.

I swear I'm almost done. 3.) Visual design, of both location and character, is very VERY well done. The maps are complex and varied, well thought out and beautiful. There are enough to not be boring and few enough that you can learn them in a weekend. And the characters? There are several things I love but the most notable is the variety, and variety of female character especially. You'll note that all of the player characters in TF2 (except MAYBE Pyro) are male. That's not horrible, but it is a choice. Overwatch has about half-and-half on gender (it's hard to count because there are some robots which may seem male-ish but do robots really have gender?) which is great but more than they they have variety. They have soldiers (Pharah), healers (Mercy), scouts (Tracer), tanks (Zarya), engineers (D.Va), scientists (Mei), agents (Widowmaker), the whole lot. They have skinny characters and larger characters, tall and short, and - note - NOT all of them are super sexualized!! I could go on about this point in particular a good bit. For now just know that I absolutely love the design of Zarya in particular, and I think it's because she's closest to my body type, and I don't see that a lot.

OK thats enough for now. Seriously. I'm going to go shower and see what this day brings. I've got a workshop thing later and I think I'm making soup tonight. Class tomorrow, and hopefully I can get more reading done and possibly even find a topic. For now I just hope and pray that this nice feeling lats. Peaceful, that's what I'd call it.

Thanks for reading, as always. I have more thoughts to share but many of them are worrisome, so I'll post them later when I am worried.

The world could always use more heroes!
R

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

I did a dumb...

And my body was not ready.

I promise I didn't make this post just to make that reference.... just mostly for that reason.

Short story (and I do want short, as it's 10:30pm here and I've have quite the day)

So it was almost exactly 2 months ago that I sprained my knee. It's been doing a lot better. And Cuppers is coming up. I thought I was well enough for at least a non-contact practice.

I was wrong.

I went to rugby today and during a drill my left knee buckled and went a bit sideways.

It hurt a lot and one of the first aid guys attending to the nearby athletics events drove me and a teammate to the hospital. Mostly we just sat int he waiting room and talked (thank you so much for coming with and waiting all that time!) until the doctor called me and said exactly what I knew he would - basically "well, don't do that." :P - ice, rest, the same as before.

I don't think I've made my knee worse. But I may have undone some of the progress I had made.

For those worried - especially if you saw me wielding crutches today - know the time I had gotten home I was carrying both of those crutches and not using them.

I really am okay. But I have a feeling that I won't have any rugby-related updates for quite a while.

I'm thinking that I will be out for the term - and thus the summer - and so may choose to start back again in October. We shall see.

Moral of the story: Just don't.

This was obviously a really dumb thing for me to do. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have pushed it. But I did. Part of me knows that if I hadn't tried I would have yell at myself for it. Now at least I KNOW. Not sure it's worth it but yeah.

Hopefully this term I'll actually be able to work out a time to meet the physio.

Thanks for reading this update, as always. Sorry to not put much into it. I'm gonna go sleep now.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Game time

I suppose I should be posting some stuff on here, so you don't all assume I've died or something.

All in all, my silence is a sign of good things: This blog is very therapeutic and I haven't needed it in a few weeks. So that's good! But I owe it to you all, for sitting through my bouts of rampant feelings, to bring the good news too.

I GOT MY ESSAYS TURNED IN! :D HURRAY!

Yesterday I turned in the first 2 out of 7 of my assessed essays that make up the BPhil. Both of these essays could have been better, I am sure, but I am very very very happy to have them off my plate. I won't get the marks on them for a while yet, but as is my MO, it's time to forget that they ever happened and move on. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who helped me with these essays and throughout the itme I've been writing them.

This term I'm switching into aesthetics. This is the study of art, the philosophy of why we value art, etc. This isn't something I have ever formally studied, so right now I'm basically starting a self-taught crash-course on the topic, based on a reading list of my supervisor's suggestions. I'm hoping to focus down on questions surrounding narrative art and more specifically fiction: Can we learn things from fiction? If so, what and how? I want to look at fiction as a sort of psudo-experience: learning what it feels like to be someone else. I am interested in this just as is, but also interested because it could lead me to something really fun: GAMES.

In the past few years, my answer to things like "what do you want to do when you grow up?" "what is your dream job?" or "what makes you happy?" has been ever-increasingly based on games. If you're not a gamer that might sound silly, shallow, lazy, or even a little messed up. And while *I* might be all of those things (especially lazy), GAMES are not.

The study of games as art is really interesting and important to me. So I'm hoping that this shift in topic will really help me out, help me find some motivation again. I need it.

Sorry that this update is so short. Know that I'm doing well, I've had several good days, the weather is starting to get beautiful! And things like rugby haven't started yet, but will soon (I'm so out of shaaaaape).

Thanks for reading, as always.
R

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Well, I'm back.

I said that I was going to try and update this blog while I was away. I lied. I didn't update. I didn't even try.

To be honest, I don't want to get into everything that went on over this trip right now - maybe I'll tell y'all later, maybe I won't. Right now the thing you should know before reading is the strange story of last night.

I couldn't sleep last night. And I don't mean like "oh i went to bed at 10 and was lying awake until 1am" kind of couldn't sleep. I mean I legit went to bed at 10:30 and I was STILL AWAKE when the birds started singing and the sun started rising. My friends Hannah and Hannah can attest to this because around 3:30am I finally gave up and skyped them.

So yes, bear in mind that I am writing this on an odd day, having spent the night awake, and slept from around 6am-11am. Also I have a bit of a cold/allergies/something from travelling (my poor Dad and sister got sick too on our trip! :( )

Reasons for this disturbance by be two or threefold. One, as I said I'm feeling ill. Two, because I took a new medicine not last night but the night before - this country's version of NyQuil - and it WORKED and knocked me out hard for a night, and the next night I didn't take it and this happens. I'm not saying it was a cause, just that there was a co-incidence. I hope it wasn't the cause. Finally, and perhaps the most likely, as sad as this is to admit - two nights ago I finally decided that it was in the best interest of my health to stop allowing myself to get on Tumblr on my phone, especially right before bed or right after waking up. I'm not 100% off of tumblr for now but I'm trying to stop being on my phone so much in bed. So it may be this altering of my nightly routine which has screwed me over. Here's to hoping I can fix that without giving in.

Ok so what was I talking about? The trip? Oh yes. Well, you may have seen the 400+ pictures I posted on Facebook, along with those my sister posted. I won't bother moving them here. But we did a LOT - we went to Dublin, say the Book of Kells and Long Room in Trinity College, to Belfast, where we went to the north coast, along with ulster museum, carrickfergus caslte, dundrum castle, tullymore forest, basically all my favorite places. We went to Edinburgh, the castle and museum there, Arthur's seat, Holyrood, I barely remember what else. We went to London, to the Tower and Big Ben and to Westminster Cathedral, and the Palace and to the museum and the Globe and EVERYWHERE, and finally to Oxford, to the castle and to the Ashmolean, and the Bodleian and the natural history and Pitt Rivers. SO MUCH. Castles and museums galore!

I hadn't done all of it - I especially loved Westminster Cathedral and the Tower of London because I hadn't been there before, and I loved the north coast because I saw it in a new light (also people care a lot more about Game of Thrones now than they did in 2012! :P ).

Not everything was great though. And I still feel that a lot of that was my fault. I really didn't realize just how much I've changed - and how long it had been since I lived with other people. I've become a far more quiet person I think, in Oxford, and more independant and I kind of forgot what it was like to have to plan so much with other people and communicate and share space. I don't think I handled that well, and there were more than a few arguments and me being super grumpy.

The worst part was that some of the time, maybe a lot of the time, I didn't eve know why. I would get annoyed, get grumpy, and get downright mean, and I couldn't even say WHY. Eventually I talked with my mom about it like three times. And I think some of it was just frustration at myself. I remember what it was like visiting all of these places for the first time, 4 years ago. (was it really 4 years? 3.5? dear Lord.) I remember being giddy with excitement about EVERYTHING, about the cobblestones and about the stone buildings, about Harry Potter, C.S. Lewis, Doctor Who, and that whole lot. I remember seeing Newcaslte (NI) and Edinburgh and thinking "yeah, I would move here".  Even JUST at this past Christmas I was in Belfast thinking "ah it's so good to be back, I can't believe I'm here again!) And this time? 4 years later, going back? I just, somehow, wasn't.

I said a few posts ago that I felt dead inside. That's exactly what this was like. Is like. I don't know. Maybe it was stress, or worry, but I was in Edinburgh - finally back - and it was just sort of... OK. I really, really, really hope that my family loved it like I did the first time. And to be honest this lack of response on my part really scares me. Maybe I put too high an expectation on all of this, I'll give you that, but still. I felt... numb.

I'm feeling a little more upbeat this morning but I guess I still want to tell you about the darker stuff before I leave. Despite arguing with my family a lot, the absolute worst bit was them having to leave. I think the day of I handled it OK. I miss them already and they aren't even home in Texas yet.

But the night before that - not this past night or the one before, but the one before THAT, I had... let's call it a bit of a breakdown. I don't know if I want to describe it at length but mentally it's like I suddenly realized - they are leaving. It's ending. This big thing that I've planned for and looked forward to is here, and gone, and it's ending. And I felt like I had barely spent any time with them at all. And they were leaving. And - this is what hit me, and I mean this actually did feel like a physical punch to the gut, like a hand on my throat, like a very physical weight on me, this is what kept playing over and over and over in my head: I was going to be alone. Again.

I cried. A lot. And my mom helped and talked me through some of it. I don't know how moms do it but I really, really, really needed that. I won't go into details. Anyway. It caused me a bit of crisis, I guess. Some reexamining which was long overdue. I got back home and I, for the first time in a very sadly long time, turned to Scripture to try to calm down a bit. And by God's providence through my friend on the other side of the world's recommendation, I ended up in Job. Kind of an odd place for me, I guess, I tend to stick to the NT, though I know I shouldn't, especially the Pauline stuff. But there was conviction here - and this is honestly what's made me decide to distance myself from tumblr a bit - I guess I realized more sharply that really, when was the last time which I allowed the Word of God to shape my thoughts on, well, anything? Instead of relying on my own, well informed or not so, reasons/reasoning/etc.

I don't know what all this will change. Both of the nights I have had since have been super duper odd in their own way. But something needs to.

Here's another thing I have been thinking about, something my friends and I discussed last night, about feeling like ourselves. One of my friends made a decision recently and told me that though it was hard, she was glad because she didn't realize how not-like-herself she had been feeling, until she made a change and then felt like herself again. THAT is the kind of thing I feel I desperately need.

Every since I moved to Oxford, the best way to describe what I have felt is simply "not myself". I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I'm just NOT. It feels like I left myself behind at JBU. With my friends, with my environment.

Maybe I've been trying to reinvent myself the whole time I've been here - with Rugby especially. But I don't think I need to reinvent myself. I need to go back to just being who I was. Improvements are great, of course, but what I feel is NOT an improvement. Who I am right now doesn't feel like an improvement.

I don't know what I need to do, i don't know what I need to change. It may be that I even make a really hard change - like, I hate to say this, but like giving up on rugby. It would certainly be the easiest in a sense, because it would be to stop tying myself to a discipline. I'm not sure it's the right decision, as I know it's done me good and it would do me good to continue a discipline, especially a physical one, so do not read this as a resignation, I'm just trying to think of things that could change. Because something should.

A song came into my head this morning, one I really love and seems applicable. It's Mumford & Sons's "Winter Wind". I've always considered it a bit of a break up song - but instead of a "I'm mad you broke up with me" song it's a "I am so sorry that I may have hurt you by breaking up with you" song. But for me of course, not being in any sort of romantic relationship, I guess it feels like this is my feelings toward Oxford. Which is really sad:

My head told my heart "Let love grow."
But my heart told my head "This time no."

There is even more to that song that I have always liked but never related to until now. Just go listen to it, I love that song. But the song doesn't offer much in the way of answers besides maybe "move on". I'm not sure I can do that right now.

These next few weeks will be me finishing up my first pair of BPhil essays for submission on the 20th, and starting to tuck into the suggested reading list I've received about my new subject, aesthetics. And trying to keep my head above the water, even though I know that this is even now the calm before a storm.

This term I need to figure out several things. There are questions of housing, questions of my dissertation, questions of what on earth I am doing this summer, etc. It's a bit overwhelming and it hasn't even begun. I've only been awake for 3 hours... I guess I should go buy some groceries or something.

Anyway, thanks for reading, as always. And seriously, go listen to Mumford & Sons.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, prais eHim above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

I'm late! I'm late for a very important date.

Ok. Let me tell you my day. 

I wish I had posted last night to kind of set this up but anyway. 

I am not at Oxford - I'm on break and I'm meeting up with my family for a trip around the UK! Which is exciting. But before we get to that let me tell you another traveling story. 

We'll start with the Plan. The Plan was a simple one. The Plan was to wake up at 5:15, get ready in ~30min, and have ~30min to get to the bus station - which is a 15-20min walk. I would take the 6:15 bus to Gatwick (2h) and my flight left at 9:40. That was the plan. 

What happened was that I woke up several times during the night and got out of bed at 5:25. Ten minutes late. Not a great start. 

After this, somehow in my confusion I thought I had more time than I did. I left my house at 6:04 and was able to make the 15-20min walk in just 14min, but for those counting that will made me 3mjn late for the 6:15 bus :/

I waited an aggravated hour for the next bus, knowing that it was very likely that this delay would make me miss my flight. My ticket said that the gate closed at 9:10 and this bus wasn't due I to Gatwick until 9:15.

So then I very stressfully rode a bus for 2 hours trying to figure out what to do. I got ready for security - even took my belt off and stuff. We get there around 9:15 like I said. I try to wait patiently for the bus driver (who is super nice and funny btw) to get my bag from where it is under the bus cabin. Then I RUN to the lifts and through the halls to security. I'm lucky it was Gatwick and not Heathrow! I have a little tribe at security because I forgot to take the chane out of my pockets. And then also apparently I didn't fully clean out my backpack before I re packed it because this really old useless Swiss Army knife was in there! Soooo I don't own that knife anymore. 

Anyway by the time I get through the shopping mall section of the airport (I HATE that airports are more committed to making me walk in squiggly lines through perfume stores than they are to getting me places on time) and when I finally get to the monitors they say my gate is closed. I go to the help desk and this man who is the epitome of bored and uncaring says "oh yeah if you run to gate 22..." I asked him where that was and he said "gate 22", while a more helpful lady beside him pointed me to te correct hallway. (It's the only hallway I'll be honest but I didn't know where it was from the shopping mall lobby)

Ok so I RUN down this hallway through a large crowd of people- this is like the 4th hallways I've run down so by the time I get to the moving sidewalks that run the length of it I've been reduced to rather fast walking. The hallway starts at gate 10 and I'm going to 22. Which is an agonizingly long way.

Anyway I get there and praise Jesus they are still checking people in. The lady checking tickets was sweet and said "did you just run all that way?" And I told her I had missed a bus. She mentioned that the flight was actually a bit late because there was a flight earlier in the morning at the same gate which was delayed. What an answer to prayer!!

 The lady checking IDs had to kind of get on to me because I hadn't stopped with the visa check downstairs, but she was able to let me on. When I got there someone was actually in my seat but the flight attendants were able to move me really quickly, as I found out that the reason was that someone else didn't want to sit by the emergency exit window. Did you know that emergency exit rows have like a LOT more legroom? It's awesome. 

Anyway I've written this whole thing while on the plane and I'll post it when I find wifi again. 

I'm so excited to see my parents! We're both almost in Dublin now.

I'll try to update while I'm away but I don't know how much I'll be able to. We are traveling around to Belfast, Edinburgh, London, and of course back home to Oxford. There will be pictures. 

Neither of my parents or my sister who is coming has ever been in the UK/Ireland before. I'm really excited to show them around.

I hope you have enjoyed this not-depressed episode of my blog :p

Here's

Rissa

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. 

The problem with this blog (an apology in advance)

Ok so the biggest problem with the way I use this blog is this:

I make these super long posts about what I'm struggling with, and to all of you its the first you've heard of it, and since you're all lovely, loving people, you all reach out to me and offer your support - and I want to say fist from the bottom of my hear THANK YOU but let me explain to you a thing:

One of the major advantages of this blog for me is that it helps me get stuff out of my system. By the time I post anything on here I've been struggling and thinking about it for days or weeks and I'm just DONE. So a LOT of the time, whenever I post these long posts that make you all worry, by the time it's posted and you read it and you message me - I would rather talk about LITERALLY anything other than said post.

I am very sorry about that, and even more sorry if I'm ever rude to you about it when all you are doing is trying to reach out in loving support. I am sorry that I make you worry. I don't mean to.

I don't want to spend my time replying to all of your wonderful messages with some basic defenses of my basic mental wellbeing or giving an example of how I mean it when I say I have ups and downs - these blog posts tend to be the downs, so please trust that at other times I have big "ups".

Like I said I really don't want to be or sound ungrateful for all of your support and love, but as referenced in my last post: right now what would help is not so much people saying "hey I'm here for you if you wanna talk about it" (but thank you for being there). Because I don't wanna talk about it. If I've gone so far as to post here, then I have already talked, and I would love to talk with you about anything that is not this. Pick a topic. Any topic. Any topic that's not this. I would love to talk, I would love your friendship and solidarity. But I need to get out of my own head, and talking about it constantly is not helping.

Once again, thank you, and I'm sorry.

P.S. this is especially true if you're in Oxford and I talk to you in person. For some reason I find it very very hard to discuss stuff like this in person. In person let's all just ignore that I make these posts, thanks.