A(that's Manny, from Ice Age, btw)
Just a small update: After some hours of waiting in the waiting room, I did evnetually see a doctor today, who did some pressure tests on my knee and confirmed that it is badly sprained and there is some liquid where liquid shouldn't normally be, and I may have maybe strained a ligament, but nothing is broken or torn or ripped etc etc and he says that it should heal soon and I should just take some pain killers and antiinflamatories, ice it, and rest. So no rugby for a bit but he said it might heal pretty quick, and if it doesn't, then they'll scan it.
Yay for it not being broken!
Thanks again
R
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. And hey- thanks. Thank you for all the support I've had today, messaged from all over the place. Thank you for your support and prayers.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Three Stories to Share
So I've been meaning to make this post since the day after I made the last one. So things have been piling up, and today they finally hit a point where I had to write. We'll get to that.
Ok so first I remember one of the stories that happened a few weeks ago but I forgot to tell you about. Don't worry, it's a happy story. Ok so there's this group here at Wycliffe that meets every week I guess, which consists of the spouses of students - people who are just as new to Oxford or perhaps the UK as the new students are, but aren't themselves in the Universiy. Because this is Wycliffe this includes a lot of women who are or will be pastor's wives. Long story short they are awesome and super nice. And each term they host an event that they invite others too - this year it was a really good talk, one of the best talks I've heard about Christian responses to homosexuality/same sex attraction in the church. But that's not what I came here to talk about.
So afterwards they all thanked us for coming and we thanked them for putting on the event - it really was very good - and we get to talking and one of these ladies asks "oh do you have any laundry you need done? I've got some I need to do but it's not a full load. Maybe bedding or something?" - OK first of all this lady is offering to do my laundry. Huge points right there. Unfortunately I did my laundry just the previous night. And as for bedding, I just have the one set, so if I wash my sheets I have to do it in the morning so I can have them back by nightfall. I say all this but thank her and she says that that's a sad situation.
I kind of forget about this conversation, until two days later I see her on the way to lunch and she says "Oh Rissa good! This is for you." And hands me a bag. based on that one conversation she has gone out and bought me a set of bed sheets, including a duvet cover (that is pretty and stripey). I don't know if you're reading this but I really cannot say how touched I was. Seriously. To not only think of me, but to actually make such effort to take care of me and give me such a useful gift - thank you so much. I don't think I said it well out loud but I am so very touched by your love and generosity.
So now I have clean sheets and a stripey duvet and pillow :)
That's story number one: people at Wycliffe are wonderful.
Story number two: no surprises here, it's rugby! I have two rugby stories actually but first things first.
We played Oxford Brookes last Sunday, and i've a funny story from that game. Okay so I went in rather late (which is good) and the first thing we did was a line-out (theirs). So they get the ball and are able to rush past us. I am now offside. I know this. So I do the sensible thing and begin running to get back onside. I was a bit lost in the confusion and so didn't really know where the ball was. Since I wasn't onside it wasn't like I could do anything until I got there.
Ok so the problem was this: apparently the ball carrier was right in front of me. I somehow did not know this (like i said, jumping into chaos). As I'm running to get back onside, I'm running the same way at Brookes is. And the first thing I see of the ball is when it hits me, straight in the face. I was told afterwords that I had actually ended up in the other team's 9-10 channel, which is a very bad place to be, but I didn't even know I was there! Anyway so this ball smacks me in the face, and I mean like right between the eyes/on the nose. Made my vision go funny for a sec. Anyway so obviously play stops and we all kind of look around like.... what do we do? I mean technically I was offside and did interact with the ball... but only because their 9 accidentally chucked it straight at my face.
So the ref comes over and comes to me like "you were offside, you can't do that" and I think what I actually said was something like "sorry", but in my head it was just like "YA DON'T SAY?!" or "do you think I MEANT to do that?" Anyway it gave them a penalty unfortunately (penalty against us I mean) but it was really odd. After the game no less than 4 of thier players tried to apologize for it, even though I was still rather unsure what exactly had happened.
Ok so there's your touching story and your funny story of the day. Here comes the not so fun story.
I'm writing this while I wait at the JR Hospital. Now before you freak out I'm not like dying or anything or even in serious pain at this point.
We were supposed to have another away game yesterday. But at the last minute the other team called it off because their pitch was flooded, and they weren't prepared to come down to us. This ws a bit disappointing of course since we were all ready, but all in all I think it was ok, because several of our starters were sick this week. Instead, I was able to go to the beginner's development sessions, which I always really enjoy.
We had a different coach than usual this week, because the others couldn't make it, but they were good. Had us do some different things than normal. We also had a few brand new girls, which is always really fun - even though I'm not that good, I love helping to introduce new girls to rugby, walk them through tackling, etc. These new girls were really great.
Then near the end of practice I got back with my friend Fiona, another Panthers forward, because we were going to do one-on-one drills, and that would be unfair if we were with the beginners. Now normally one-on-ones for us are really basic and easy, but this time they tried to introduce a bit of footwork - trying to get around a tackle.
Fiona and I had some fun with this. Some sillyness ensued, and a few totally missed tackles, many of the sort where the ball carrier doesn't go down immediately, but is eventually brought down a bit sideways. This is normal for us because we're both pretty sturdy.
So we're doing this, and it's my turn to be tackled, everything is going normal, I try a bit of footwork so the tackle is a bit low and sideways, I don't go down, I keep fighting - this isn't the first time that day, and she does just what she should, she hangs on and tries to bind my legs.
And then I got twisted round backwards and my knee made this terrible, terrible noise than no knee ever ought to make.
I will admit that while in pain I have a far more vulgar mouth than any of you - especially you, mom, sorry - would like to know. There was a fair amount of shouting. The coach cam over and was going to call an ambulance. Fiona also came over - she has done some first aid training - and helped me move my leg a bit and roll over. The pain was really bad at first shock, but called down pretty quick once Fiona helped me move my leg, so I told the coach that I didn't think I needed an ambulance. After sitting and icing my knee for a bit I was even able to walk/limp home. I even went to church last night (I took the bus halfway but still!) I put some heat on it, because we were pretty sure what happened was i stretched a ligament or something - my knee wasn't swollen. I got an appointment with the team physio on Tuesday afternoon.
I had a LOT of trouble sleeping last night. I think I slept from 9:30-1am, and then from 3-5am, but very on and off, trying to figure out what to do with my knee. When I woke up I could barely walk, so I asked the Wycliffe students if anyone had any old crutches laying around that I could borrow, and I got like 7 responses all telling me to go to hospital, and at least one offer to drive me there.
And so here I am. Waiting in the hospital. First experience of non-american health care, and the first time I've been in a hospital since I got stitches when I was very young. Now that I've stopped heating it and started icing it again my knee is doing a bit better, but they've told me that they'll get me a wheelchair in a bit.
I mean the good thing is it doesnt actually actively hurt much at all. it's more a nuisance (not being able to walk, having to be careful with it) than anything else. But I'm glad I didn't wait until tomorrow. I'll keep y'all updated with what they tell me whenever they do.
Thanks again for reading, sorry for dropping that bomb at the end :P
And on that bombshell!
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Ok so first I remember one of the stories that happened a few weeks ago but I forgot to tell you about. Don't worry, it's a happy story. Ok so there's this group here at Wycliffe that meets every week I guess, which consists of the spouses of students - people who are just as new to Oxford or perhaps the UK as the new students are, but aren't themselves in the Universiy. Because this is Wycliffe this includes a lot of women who are or will be pastor's wives. Long story short they are awesome and super nice. And each term they host an event that they invite others too - this year it was a really good talk, one of the best talks I've heard about Christian responses to homosexuality/same sex attraction in the church. But that's not what I came here to talk about.
So afterwards they all thanked us for coming and we thanked them for putting on the event - it really was very good - and we get to talking and one of these ladies asks "oh do you have any laundry you need done? I've got some I need to do but it's not a full load. Maybe bedding or something?" - OK first of all this lady is offering to do my laundry. Huge points right there. Unfortunately I did my laundry just the previous night. And as for bedding, I just have the one set, so if I wash my sheets I have to do it in the morning so I can have them back by nightfall. I say all this but thank her and she says that that's a sad situation.
I kind of forget about this conversation, until two days later I see her on the way to lunch and she says "Oh Rissa good! This is for you." And hands me a bag. based on that one conversation she has gone out and bought me a set of bed sheets, including a duvet cover (that is pretty and stripey). I don't know if you're reading this but I really cannot say how touched I was. Seriously. To not only think of me, but to actually make such effort to take care of me and give me such a useful gift - thank you so much. I don't think I said it well out loud but I am so very touched by your love and generosity.
So now I have clean sheets and a stripey duvet and pillow :)
That's story number one: people at Wycliffe are wonderful.
Story number two: no surprises here, it's rugby! I have two rugby stories actually but first things first.
We played Oxford Brookes last Sunday, and i've a funny story from that game. Okay so I went in rather late (which is good) and the first thing we did was a line-out (theirs). So they get the ball and are able to rush past us. I am now offside. I know this. So I do the sensible thing and begin running to get back onside. I was a bit lost in the confusion and so didn't really know where the ball was. Since I wasn't onside it wasn't like I could do anything until I got there.
Ok so the problem was this: apparently the ball carrier was right in front of me. I somehow did not know this (like i said, jumping into chaos). As I'm running to get back onside, I'm running the same way at Brookes is. And the first thing I see of the ball is when it hits me, straight in the face. I was told afterwords that I had actually ended up in the other team's 9-10 channel, which is a very bad place to be, but I didn't even know I was there! Anyway so this ball smacks me in the face, and I mean like right between the eyes/on the nose. Made my vision go funny for a sec. Anyway so obviously play stops and we all kind of look around like.... what do we do? I mean technically I was offside and did interact with the ball... but only because their 9 accidentally chucked it straight at my face.
So the ref comes over and comes to me like "you were offside, you can't do that" and I think what I actually said was something like "sorry", but in my head it was just like "YA DON'T SAY?!" or "do you think I MEANT to do that?" Anyway it gave them a penalty unfortunately (penalty against us I mean) but it was really odd. After the game no less than 4 of thier players tried to apologize for it, even though I was still rather unsure what exactly had happened.
Ok so there's your touching story and your funny story of the day. Here comes the not so fun story.
I'm writing this while I wait at the JR Hospital. Now before you freak out I'm not like dying or anything or even in serious pain at this point.
We were supposed to have another away game yesterday. But at the last minute the other team called it off because their pitch was flooded, and they weren't prepared to come down to us. This ws a bit disappointing of course since we were all ready, but all in all I think it was ok, because several of our starters were sick this week. Instead, I was able to go to the beginner's development sessions, which I always really enjoy.
We had a different coach than usual this week, because the others couldn't make it, but they were good. Had us do some different things than normal. We also had a few brand new girls, which is always really fun - even though I'm not that good, I love helping to introduce new girls to rugby, walk them through tackling, etc. These new girls were really great.
Then near the end of practice I got back with my friend Fiona, another Panthers forward, because we were going to do one-on-one drills, and that would be unfair if we were with the beginners. Now normally one-on-ones for us are really basic and easy, but this time they tried to introduce a bit of footwork - trying to get around a tackle.
Fiona and I had some fun with this. Some sillyness ensued, and a few totally missed tackles, many of the sort where the ball carrier doesn't go down immediately, but is eventually brought down a bit sideways. This is normal for us because we're both pretty sturdy.
So we're doing this, and it's my turn to be tackled, everything is going normal, I try a bit of footwork so the tackle is a bit low and sideways, I don't go down, I keep fighting - this isn't the first time that day, and she does just what she should, she hangs on and tries to bind my legs.
And then I got twisted round backwards and my knee made this terrible, terrible noise than no knee ever ought to make.
I will admit that while in pain I have a far more vulgar mouth than any of you - especially you, mom, sorry - would like to know. There was a fair amount of shouting. The coach cam over and was going to call an ambulance. Fiona also came over - she has done some first aid training - and helped me move my leg a bit and roll over. The pain was really bad at first shock, but called down pretty quick once Fiona helped me move my leg, so I told the coach that I didn't think I needed an ambulance. After sitting and icing my knee for a bit I was even able to walk/limp home. I even went to church last night (I took the bus halfway but still!) I put some heat on it, because we were pretty sure what happened was i stretched a ligament or something - my knee wasn't swollen. I got an appointment with the team physio on Tuesday afternoon.
I had a LOT of trouble sleeping last night. I think I slept from 9:30-1am, and then from 3-5am, but very on and off, trying to figure out what to do with my knee. When I woke up I could barely walk, so I asked the Wycliffe students if anyone had any old crutches laying around that I could borrow, and I got like 7 responses all telling me to go to hospital, and at least one offer to drive me there.
And so here I am. Waiting in the hospital. First experience of non-american health care, and the first time I've been in a hospital since I got stitches when I was very young. Now that I've stopped heating it and started icing it again my knee is doing a bit better, but they've told me that they'll get me a wheelchair in a bit.
I mean the good thing is it doesnt actually actively hurt much at all. it's more a nuisance (not being able to walk, having to be careful with it) than anything else. But I'm glad I didn't wait until tomorrow. I'll keep y'all updated with what they tell me whenever they do.
Thanks again for reading, sorry for dropping that bomb at the end :P
And on that bombshell!
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Monday, February 8, 2016
I worked out today. TWICE.
Sorry about the title I'm just super impressed with myself right now. (Mom be impressed by me! I know you are :P)
Okay so I've been meaning to write this for a while now, as it seems very necessary after the last post. The plan was to reassure you all that I'm okay and I'm still playing rugby, and tell you about some of the good things that have happened since... well since whenever the last time I wrote an actual happy post. But like usual, I was always too tired or to distracted or too not-in-the-mood to write that post.
So instead you get the story of today followed by a response to that last, very long, post.
Ok so they have fitness sessions for the rugby girls, and obviously this is a thing I need. Thing is they are like 7am WAY on the other side of town. Other side as in I was planning on leaving my house at ~6:10am. So I set an alarm for 5:45 in the morning.
I woke up about an hour before that, and let me tell you, trying to go back to sleep when you have to wake up in an hour is not fun, but it's REALLY not fun when that wake up is already at 5:45am.
Ok so anyway, the fitness session was actually really rewarding and worth it - I was scared it would just kill me, but we didn't do like 100% cardio, it was mostly flexibility and weights stuff and learnign proper form, etc. I was really glad I went. By the time I got back to my house I was very awake and feeling accomplished and it was not even 10am yet!! That's so much better than normal.
Also, I finished my first draft of my essay on saturday, and met with my supervisor about it today and she actually really liked it! So that's hopeful. That said, talking with her made me realise how much WORK I have to do before my family comes up in March. Like dang. So much. I need to get my butt in gear and start actually working on my so called "time off" - need to stop acting like I'm an undergrad who just has to barely meet deadlines with good-enough papers and actually work on these like I care. Work on them whilst no one is making me.
What else happened today? I got to talk with some of the people here at wycliffe- im trying to make eating lunch at the hall a thing now just so i can see them because i like them. anyway, I don't know WHERE most of the day went, but then at 5:00 is was back out again to make it to more rugby! astro turf session, where I learned how to lift for a line out! So that was fun. And I'm not that bad at it either.
Ooh look at this nice transition - speaking of that - I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to you all. After that last post I received SO many messages of care and encouragement - messages from teammates offering support, or to meet up and talk, messages from friends supporting me in huge ways whether I stuck with the game or not, messages form people I had NO idea read my blog. So thank you. Really. After all that angst on my part, I went to 3/4 of the sessions since then, and I really enjoyed each one - despite the fact that I might not be able to walk down stairs tomorrow, and my legs have like 3 layers of bruises covering almost their entire surface.
Other exciting things that have happened over the course of this week and last: Oh Lord has it been that long? I can't remember that long ago. The Ashmolean Museum had a fun event where people were invited to come in superhero costumes, and they had people give cool presentations, including a series on the superheroes of myths - from Mesopotamia, Greece, Egypt, China, and probably more. It was really fun! I didn't take any pictures though. And one of my friends did the presentation on Mesopotamia! it was really cool.
What else? How can I not recall? Well I was sick for a good bit of it - you read some of that - so I guess I stayed in some. Here's one thing that was a huge blessing to me: I found out, through various ways, that several of my teammates are Christians. We had never talked about it before, and I don't know all of them that well, but something about that was just really really refreshing. I don't know why, it's not like it was a huge surprise, but something about it was just like God Himself whispering an encouragement to me when I was feeling really down. So yeah praise God for that.
There has to be some other story I can share. I guess mostly the last two weeks have been full of little stories - the kind that mean so much at the time, but don't stand out in remembrance. Mostly, I've benefited SO much from the Wycliffe community these past weeks - even if I only really see most of them over lunch - they are just such great people to talk with.
Oh here's a story, just 'cause I remembered; my supervisor (who is really nice and REALLY smart, obviously) gave a great presentation on Aristotle's Ethics on vice, and afterwards there were some people (I think three students and three faulty members) who were going out to dinner, and they invited me to come along. So that was really cool. Also I had to remember how to use chopsticks. I am VERY BAD at using chopsticks. Unfortunately I had to excuse myself early (since I hadn't planned on the dinner, I had some other plans) but it was nice getting to talk with people like that outside of the faculty/work/school setting. I miss that from JBU.
Ok I'm really done now. My brain isn't going to hang in much longer. Its just past 10, and as I just said, I've been up since about 4:30. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep in a little tomorrow, but then actually get some WORK done before my classes.
Thanks again for reading, everyone. I was really surprised to find who all read my last post. I don't know how you all can stand to listen to me ramble so much! But thanks.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. Because I have a serious weakness for taking post-rugby selfies (I swear I did not take selfies before I moved away from home.)
Okay so I've been meaning to write this for a while now, as it seems very necessary after the last post. The plan was to reassure you all that I'm okay and I'm still playing rugby, and tell you about some of the good things that have happened since... well since whenever the last time I wrote an actual happy post. But like usual, I was always too tired or to distracted or too not-in-the-mood to write that post.
So instead you get the story of today followed by a response to that last, very long, post.
Ok so they have fitness sessions for the rugby girls, and obviously this is a thing I need. Thing is they are like 7am WAY on the other side of town. Other side as in I was planning on leaving my house at ~6:10am. So I set an alarm for 5:45 in the morning.
I woke up about an hour before that, and let me tell you, trying to go back to sleep when you have to wake up in an hour is not fun, but it's REALLY not fun when that wake up is already at 5:45am.
Ok so anyway, the fitness session was actually really rewarding and worth it - I was scared it would just kill me, but we didn't do like 100% cardio, it was mostly flexibility and weights stuff and learnign proper form, etc. I was really glad I went. By the time I got back to my house I was very awake and feeling accomplished and it was not even 10am yet!! That's so much better than normal.
Also, I finished my first draft of my essay on saturday, and met with my supervisor about it today and she actually really liked it! So that's hopeful. That said, talking with her made me realise how much WORK I have to do before my family comes up in March. Like dang. So much. I need to get my butt in gear and start actually working on my so called "time off" - need to stop acting like I'm an undergrad who just has to barely meet deadlines with good-enough papers and actually work on these like I care. Work on them whilst no one is making me.
What else happened today? I got to talk with some of the people here at wycliffe- im trying to make eating lunch at the hall a thing now just so i can see them because i like them. anyway, I don't know WHERE most of the day went, but then at 5:00 is was back out again to make it to more rugby! astro turf session, where I learned how to lift for a line out! So that was fun. And I'm not that bad at it either.
Ooh look at this nice transition - speaking of that - I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to you all. After that last post I received SO many messages of care and encouragement - messages from teammates offering support, or to meet up and talk, messages from friends supporting me in huge ways whether I stuck with the game or not, messages form people I had NO idea read my blog. So thank you. Really. After all that angst on my part, I went to 3/4 of the sessions since then, and I really enjoyed each one - despite the fact that I might not be able to walk down stairs tomorrow, and my legs have like 3 layers of bruises covering almost their entire surface.
Other exciting things that have happened over the course of this week and last: Oh Lord has it been that long? I can't remember that long ago. The Ashmolean Museum had a fun event where people were invited to come in superhero costumes, and they had people give cool presentations, including a series on the superheroes of myths - from Mesopotamia, Greece, Egypt, China, and probably more. It was really fun! I didn't take any pictures though. And one of my friends did the presentation on Mesopotamia! it was really cool.
What else? How can I not recall? Well I was sick for a good bit of it - you read some of that - so I guess I stayed in some. Here's one thing that was a huge blessing to me: I found out, through various ways, that several of my teammates are Christians. We had never talked about it before, and I don't know all of them that well, but something about that was just really really refreshing. I don't know why, it's not like it was a huge surprise, but something about it was just like God Himself whispering an encouragement to me when I was feeling really down. So yeah praise God for that.
There has to be some other story I can share. I guess mostly the last two weeks have been full of little stories - the kind that mean so much at the time, but don't stand out in remembrance. Mostly, I've benefited SO much from the Wycliffe community these past weeks - even if I only really see most of them over lunch - they are just such great people to talk with.
Oh here's a story, just 'cause I remembered; my supervisor (who is really nice and REALLY smart, obviously) gave a great presentation on Aristotle's Ethics on vice, and afterwards there were some people (I think three students and three faulty members) who were going out to dinner, and they invited me to come along. So that was really cool. Also I had to remember how to use chopsticks. I am VERY BAD at using chopsticks. Unfortunately I had to excuse myself early (since I hadn't planned on the dinner, I had some other plans) but it was nice getting to talk with people like that outside of the faculty/work/school setting. I miss that from JBU.
Ok I'm really done now. My brain isn't going to hang in much longer. Its just past 10, and as I just said, I've been up since about 4:30. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep in a little tomorrow, but then actually get some WORK done before my classes.
Thanks again for reading, everyone. I was really surprised to find who all read my last post. I don't know how you all can stand to listen to me ramble so much! But thanks.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. Because I have a serious weakness for taking post-rugby selfies (I swear I did not take selfies before I moved away from home.)
Also I had dressed rather quickly that day, running really late, and just kind of grabbed clean things, and ended up wearing more than 3 different shades of blue.... Apparently I own a lot of blue clothing...
Now I have this scrape on my head that everyone keeps asking about :P Half the time they ask "do you know..." and half the time it's "oh are you ok?" I have to admit, since it doesn't hurt, it's a little fun to just say "oh yeah, it's just rugby practice, it's fine"....
P.P.S. Oh my gosh I've gotten like 6 emails to my uni account just while writing this post - at 10pm. what is wrong with my life right now? stop emailing me neswletters and please stop sending important information i have to respond to. i don't wanna have to do more stuff!
P.P.P.S. You guys feel free to message though - i like y'all. and i like hearing from people who read this :P i'm not good at subtlety. (I also have a hard time spelling it). Ok bye for real.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Vulnerable
Sorry for not updating sooner. I've been rather sick this week. It's something that just kind of comes around. I swear, I am allergic to moving away from Texas. No I'm serious - every single time I moved from home back to school - be it a 5 hour drive to JBU or a 9 hour flight to Oxford - about 2-5 weeks in, I get a week long allergy attack that is about as severe as a cold (but the nurse assure me it's not one). Anyway. This week has been that week. (also before you get on me about vitamins, I have been taking a lot of vitamins, including vitamin C, and I think the only thing it's done is given me an overdose of yellow dye from the vitamin c drinks).
Ok but I didn't come here to talk about that. I came to tell you all what is bothering me this morning.
I am not at rugby practice.
Now honestly, right now, I still think this was an okay decision. It's been three days of me saying "I'll be okay by tomorrow, this sickness never lasts long" - but this morning I woke up and had trouble breathing, and that's without running around. I don't think I could run 10 m without coughing up a lung. Last term I attempted to attend rugby practice while feeling unwell, and my normal 1 week sickness turned into a 2-3 week ordeal where I almost went to the doctor.
Ok but that's not the point. The point is, it still bothers me that I'm not at rugby. The point is, I need to talk to someone about this.
I have no idea if any of my teammates on the Oxford University Women's Rugby Football Club have ever or will ever read this blog, but I kind of hope that at least one of you does. Because I kind of want you to hear this. But I'm... I'm too much a coward to say it out loud to any of your faces.
Here's the thing; You may have noticed. But I am NOT good at rugby. I'm just not fit enough. Did you see me play last game? I was on the pitch for what, maybe 10 min? And I spent MOST of that time just trying to get back onside - I was never in line when I should be, and I let the ball get past me at least twice because I'm just slow. I'm in the way more than I am in a helpful position. It takes me ages to get back in the game after I go to floor, on offence or defense.
What I do NOT need is people to say "no you're wrong, you're not that bad" ok? I do not need you to come and say "it's okay, you're fine". What I need is for someone to just say "you're right. you're not good at this. That's okay for now." ok? I just... I know I need to work on fitness but you know what? The types of things you all do for WARM UPS are too much for me okay? I can't run ONE full lap without panting and slowing up. I can't do a single push up without collapsing ok? I want to be really honest with you. I know I need to go to fitness sessions but I'm just scared ok? I admit it. I'm scared. I'm scared that 5 min. into the hour I'll already be defeated.
I need to be vulnerable with you. I need to stop faking it until I make it. But I'm 'effing scared. I'm scared that I'll give up. I'm scared that I'm just the whiny baby - I'm scared that you all have it this bad too but I'm the only one who wants to give up all the time. I'm scared that I'm just the weak one, the one who hasn't ever done anything hard in her life, the one who only pretends and complains.
I didn't ask to be put on the Panthers yet. I didn't ask to play. I know I'm the last sub to be put on the pitch - I've only played the last ~10 min or less of the 2 games I've been in, And while I'm really grateful that you've all let me have this experience and let me in, and you've all been so friendly, I know that all I'm doing is letting everyone down.
I know, I know, the more I practice, the more I play, the better I will get. I sholdn't be so down on myself. But I want to be honest: The ONLY reason I am still in this game is because I want to be morally committed to not giving up. I've given up on SO many things in my life. Did you know that I have before learned to play the piano, viola, and the trumpet? I can't play any of them any more. Because I gave up. And I regret that. I don't want to regret this. I don't want to quit. But at the same time, I'm just so behind.
I'm not cut out for rugby. Like physically not cut out. And on top of that, I am terrible at real commitment. It's something I hate about myself. But when someone vastly out runs me on the pitch I don't try and push myself harder than I think I can - I give up.
I'm sorry to be so down about this. Sometimes rugby feels great. I like the team a lot. I like the idea of being on a team. I haven't had that in a while. I like the idea that for once in my entire life I am actually making an effort to do something physical, to improve myself. But you have to understand - I am still at the stage where merely showing up is a success. It's not one I get today. I don't want you all counting on me yet. Because I'm not reliable. I'm just not. It's not something I like about myself. And I want to get better.
I'm having trouble finding balance - between rugby and studies, between rugby and social life/church, between rugby and taking care of myself. I realised this week that one thing which would seriously help my mental life would be to get more involved in my college. Because I really love the people at Wycliffe Hall and being with them is so refreshing and encouraging. But that's another time constraint.
How do I do something that is so outside of my ability - like rugby - and still do it as a side hobby among many?
I don't want to give up. Actually. Scratch that. I DO want to give up. And I HATE that. I honestly have been telling myself: The fact that you don't want to do this is THE reason that you should.
They say bravery is not fearlessness, but acting in the face of fear. That's what I want right now. But I just need... a friend. I need a friend on the team, a friend who understand and that I can be vulnerable with. A friend that I can talk to about all of this. About how scared I am. About how bad I am. Without it just being me constantly complaining. And like I said what I don't need is someone who will just say "no no you're good! you'll be good in no time" because that's just not true.
Half of me is so exicted that I'm getting to play in games - just read my previous blog posts! - but the other half of me is just really wanting to ask the coaches/captains if they can just take my name off the lists.
Half of me really wants my teammates to read this. Half of me hopes that no one ever will.
Every. single. Day that we have practice, I don't want to go. I don't look forward to it. I'm scared of it. I was terrified of the game last sunday. And I go BECAUSE I'm scared, I go because I don't want to. Which makes decisions like this morning - to not go because of my health - really hard and make me feel so very guilty.
I'm sorry to post here so much about rugby, for those back home. I'm sorry to worry you so much. Please don't flood me with messages saying "it's okay to give up". That's not what I need. Please don't flood me with "I'm sure you're better than you know" messages either. Because I don't need this invalidated.
I really am sorry about this whole post and that you had to read it. Thanks, I guess. People tell me they like this blog because I've been vulnerable. Well this is me being vulnerable, this is me crying and showing you the parts of me that I hate and hide and pretend I don't have ok? This is me showing and telling you that I am a lazy, whiny, weak, cowardly person who has had everything in my life handed to me. I don't do NEARLY as much work as most of the students here, I assure you, much less the other philosophers or the other ruggers. But I'm the one who whines about it and gives up.
I guess before I go I want to thank the friends who have already read this - Hannah and Danica, thank you so much for listening to me rant so much. And for being up at 4 in the morning your time... And thank you to everyone who has read this.
It's a shame. There are several very good things that happened to me this week. I wish I was in the mood to tell you about them. I really do. Maybe later. Right now I'm just feeling down, and feeling guilty for not being at practice. And honestly this is not the type of mood I need to get this essay written by tonight.
I think I'm... I'm gonna go and pray. Because I feel like crying, and those two pretty much go together for me. I was just thinking last night, when was the last time I really spoke to God and listened? Thses things seem so far off, right when they sohuld seem closest. I'm just... I'm really messed up.
ok i'm gonna go now. crying when you're sick sucks, btw. 0/10 would not recommend.
This is getting hard to type out (I do type this out every time not copy and paste) but...
Praise God form whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Ok but I didn't come here to talk about that. I came to tell you all what is bothering me this morning.
I am not at rugby practice.
Now honestly, right now, I still think this was an okay decision. It's been three days of me saying "I'll be okay by tomorrow, this sickness never lasts long" - but this morning I woke up and had trouble breathing, and that's without running around. I don't think I could run 10 m without coughing up a lung. Last term I attempted to attend rugby practice while feeling unwell, and my normal 1 week sickness turned into a 2-3 week ordeal where I almost went to the doctor.
Ok but that's not the point. The point is, it still bothers me that I'm not at rugby. The point is, I need to talk to someone about this.
I have no idea if any of my teammates on the Oxford University Women's Rugby Football Club have ever or will ever read this blog, but I kind of hope that at least one of you does. Because I kind of want you to hear this. But I'm... I'm too much a coward to say it out loud to any of your faces.
Here's the thing; You may have noticed. But I am NOT good at rugby. I'm just not fit enough. Did you see me play last game? I was on the pitch for what, maybe 10 min? And I spent MOST of that time just trying to get back onside - I was never in line when I should be, and I let the ball get past me at least twice because I'm just slow. I'm in the way more than I am in a helpful position. It takes me ages to get back in the game after I go to floor, on offence or defense.
What I do NOT need is people to say "no you're wrong, you're not that bad" ok? I do not need you to come and say "it's okay, you're fine". What I need is for someone to just say "you're right. you're not good at this. That's okay for now." ok? I just... I know I need to work on fitness but you know what? The types of things you all do for WARM UPS are too much for me okay? I can't run ONE full lap without panting and slowing up. I can't do a single push up without collapsing ok? I want to be really honest with you. I know I need to go to fitness sessions but I'm just scared ok? I admit it. I'm scared. I'm scared that 5 min. into the hour I'll already be defeated.
I need to be vulnerable with you. I need to stop faking it until I make it. But I'm 'effing scared. I'm scared that I'll give up. I'm scared that I'm just the whiny baby - I'm scared that you all have it this bad too but I'm the only one who wants to give up all the time. I'm scared that I'm just the weak one, the one who hasn't ever done anything hard in her life, the one who only pretends and complains.
I didn't ask to be put on the Panthers yet. I didn't ask to play. I know I'm the last sub to be put on the pitch - I've only played the last ~10 min or less of the 2 games I've been in, And while I'm really grateful that you've all let me have this experience and let me in, and you've all been so friendly, I know that all I'm doing is letting everyone down.
I know, I know, the more I practice, the more I play, the better I will get. I sholdn't be so down on myself. But I want to be honest: The ONLY reason I am still in this game is because I want to be morally committed to not giving up. I've given up on SO many things in my life. Did you know that I have before learned to play the piano, viola, and the trumpet? I can't play any of them any more. Because I gave up. And I regret that. I don't want to regret this. I don't want to quit. But at the same time, I'm just so behind.
I'm not cut out for rugby. Like physically not cut out. And on top of that, I am terrible at real commitment. It's something I hate about myself. But when someone vastly out runs me on the pitch I don't try and push myself harder than I think I can - I give up.
I'm sorry to be so down about this. Sometimes rugby feels great. I like the team a lot. I like the idea of being on a team. I haven't had that in a while. I like the idea that for once in my entire life I am actually making an effort to do something physical, to improve myself. But you have to understand - I am still at the stage where merely showing up is a success. It's not one I get today. I don't want you all counting on me yet. Because I'm not reliable. I'm just not. It's not something I like about myself. And I want to get better.
I'm having trouble finding balance - between rugby and studies, between rugby and social life/church, between rugby and taking care of myself. I realised this week that one thing which would seriously help my mental life would be to get more involved in my college. Because I really love the people at Wycliffe Hall and being with them is so refreshing and encouraging. But that's another time constraint.
How do I do something that is so outside of my ability - like rugby - and still do it as a side hobby among many?
I don't want to give up. Actually. Scratch that. I DO want to give up. And I HATE that. I honestly have been telling myself: The fact that you don't want to do this is THE reason that you should.
They say bravery is not fearlessness, but acting in the face of fear. That's what I want right now. But I just need... a friend. I need a friend on the team, a friend who understand and that I can be vulnerable with. A friend that I can talk to about all of this. About how scared I am. About how bad I am. Without it just being me constantly complaining. And like I said what I don't need is someone who will just say "no no you're good! you'll be good in no time" because that's just not true.
Half of me is so exicted that I'm getting to play in games - just read my previous blog posts! - but the other half of me is just really wanting to ask the coaches/captains if they can just take my name off the lists.
Half of me really wants my teammates to read this. Half of me hopes that no one ever will.
Every. single. Day that we have practice, I don't want to go. I don't look forward to it. I'm scared of it. I was terrified of the game last sunday. And I go BECAUSE I'm scared, I go because I don't want to. Which makes decisions like this morning - to not go because of my health - really hard and make me feel so very guilty.
I'm sorry to post here so much about rugby, for those back home. I'm sorry to worry you so much. Please don't flood me with messages saying "it's okay to give up". That's not what I need. Please don't flood me with "I'm sure you're better than you know" messages either. Because I don't need this invalidated.
I really am sorry about this whole post and that you had to read it. Thanks, I guess. People tell me they like this blog because I've been vulnerable. Well this is me being vulnerable, this is me crying and showing you the parts of me that I hate and hide and pretend I don't have ok? This is me showing and telling you that I am a lazy, whiny, weak, cowardly person who has had everything in my life handed to me. I don't do NEARLY as much work as most of the students here, I assure you, much less the other philosophers or the other ruggers. But I'm the one who whines about it and gives up.
I guess before I go I want to thank the friends who have already read this - Hannah and Danica, thank you so much for listening to me rant so much. And for being up at 4 in the morning your time... And thank you to everyone who has read this.
It's a shame. There are several very good things that happened to me this week. I wish I was in the mood to tell you about them. I really do. Maybe later. Right now I'm just feeling down, and feeling guilty for not being at practice. And honestly this is not the type of mood I need to get this essay written by tonight.
I think I'm... I'm gonna go and pray. Because I feel like crying, and those two pretty much go together for me. I was just thinking last night, when was the last time I really spoke to God and listened? Thses things seem so far off, right when they sohuld seem closest. I'm just... I'm really messed up.
ok i'm gonna go now. crying when you're sick sucks, btw. 0/10 would not recommend.
This is getting hard to type out (I do type this out every time not copy and paste) but...
Praise God form whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
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