I'm still here

Wow guys I am SO sorry that I haven't really posted on this blog all summer! And now term is about to start. Sheesh!

Let's be real for a sec: I have had a really good summer and an especially good last few weeks. The weather here has been PERFECT and I have spent a LOT of time just laying outside listening to audiobooks in the sun.

That said, at this very moment in time I'm feeling a bit more... melancholic. As I said, term is starting. Tons of new students have flooded the city and now I'm a returning student - a 2nd year. Last year, all the 2nd years i met seemed to be in such a better position than me, like they knew what they were doing. Well, now I guess I know what BS that was because i sure don't. Also my student bill for the term came in and... dang. despite everything, and all the amazing generosity of my parents and the blessings God has lavished on me my whole life, it feels hard to justify this kind of expense.

I still feel like... like I'm not really a graduate student. Like I'm not doing it right. Like I'm doing the bear minimum amount of work, and like I'm not REALLY getting anything out of this Masters program besides a degree. And like that's wrong, or at least sad.

People keep asking what I'm doing after graduation - or rather they keep asking if I'm staying for the DPhil, to which the answer is now a solid NO, and then asking why not and what I'm doing instead. And I now have a bit of a story to tell them - I want to go home and maybe try my hand teaching/subbing for a bit before i decide if i want to do a PhD (even though I don't know what else I could do). But... that story sounds made up even to me, you know? The confidence I find in it is a lie.

uhg wow I am sorry to jump right back in here! I really have had a good summer and I really did intend to come on here to tell you about it at last! dang it. Why do I seem to only ever write while I feel down? Maybe it's a sign to you that I've had a good summer that I HAVENT been writing about it!

anyway thanks again for reading the crap i post on here. I really miss all of y'all. a lot. I... right now I would like to be home. Or, well, rather, I would really love all of you to be here. I miss everyone back home and I miss everyone from JBU, but let's be honest it's actually autumn here (my favorite time of year) and it's totally still summer back there, weather wise.

Let's see, updates... I got two more essays turned in, I've a meeting tomorrow to discuss the final 3. I have NO IDEA what to write on for 2 of those. I've officially decided that I'm not playing rugby anymore. Not for this term anyway. maybe not again. I may have to make a full post about this, as it's a decision i turned over and over in my mind a lot and defended against myself a lot. What else... I've been reading/listening to Terry Pratchett's books, and finished his series about Commander Vimes, so if you know those we can talk now. I played through ME3 on Insanity mode. I, um... I'm sure there are other things? idk.......

Today was the first day in a while I've felt really... i don't know what to call it anymore. but I guess it's good that today is the first day in a while, as that means i was doing fine for a while. It's that feeling again though of "I used to care. What happened? why do I no longer care?" I honestly feel like I used to have a good mind, a critical, involved, engaged mind, and now i just kind of.... coast here.

Oh there's something. I voted in the US election (and Texas and Denton and Flower Mound elections as they are all attached). Just finished the paperwork actually, and intend to mail in my ballot tomorrow. I know it's early but I had already decided on the presidential race and it's not like I'm going to hear anything new about the local ones all the way out here. Anyway for me this is a first; I've never actually voted before. So yeah. Patriotism! lol.

There are so many good stories I am sure I could share if I could just remember them and engage with them enough to tell you. There have been times I have thought "oh i have to write about this in my blog!"

Oh here's something; had I moved rooms last time we talked? I'm too lazy to go re-read my old posts to find out. This is a good story, don't worry.

So. I moved rooms, or rather I was moved. There is a bit of drama here so let's start from the beginning. Wycliffe is having some trouble housing everyone this year, and originally I was going to be moved against my will to the other side of the city. I was rather unhappy about this. Some time in the summer I was emailed saying that this was no longer the case, and was happy. I did not hear more, and I was sort of hoping they would just let me keep the room I had as that would obviously be the easiest way. But alas, I was emailed asking if I could, within the next 4 or so days, move house. Luckily, I was only moved one building over, so I'm basically still on "campus". The room is not as nice, but that's not to say it's a bad room, that's just to say that my old room was VERY nice. Also this new room has two disadvantages (besides being smaller); 1.) it's on basement level. this is bad because it means I don't get much natural light. I have one small window which faces roughly north-west, and most of it is blocked by a bush. I think this will be very bad for me mentally. 2.) The wifi is CRAP in this new building. Idk what wycliffe is doing with the wifi in general actually but it's not okay. so we've been on the new IT guy's case a bit.

ANYWAY the actual good part of this story was my moving. So there was 4-5 days between when I was asked to move and when they needed me to turn in my keys, and I'll be honest those 4-5 days were NOT OKAY for me. Like I was REALLY troubled by this. I don't know why it was SO emotionally exhausting for me but it really REALLY was. Like. Bad. Like really bad. Like really very bad. Like my depression has not often kept me awake at night but it did then. Anyway. The night I was set to move on Sunday night I made the best of it, and I woke up the next morning in my new room and.... and I was ok. Like. I'm not here to tell you it was dramatic or like a huge revelation moment. In fact it feels more remarkable because it WASNT that. I am not sure how I can explain this... I don't think I can emphasis enough the change here or how much I needed it.

Here's the thing with this whole depression thing. It's not that I don't ever feel happy. That's not the case. This wonderful shift was not from depressed/anxious->happy. it was better than that. It was an overnight shift from depressed/anxious->normal. And... unless you've ever been depressed like this i don't think you will understand what a gloriously blessed state it is to just feel... okay. Just honestly feel okay. feel normal. it's like a huge weight just.. vanished. not dramatically, more like it had never been there.

So yeah praise God for that! It was this crazy mix of climax and anti-climax for me, with a strange catharsis there. Sadly, this only extended over my crisis over housing, and has not made me suddenly feel okay about everything else in my life or about my school. Wouldn't that have been nice?

I don't know what's going to go down this term. Bu I thank you all for your prayers and for your messages and for your company. I am... honestly I am very frightened of this winter. Last winter was very bad (not like cold i mean like bad for me personally) and I am terrified that this one will be like that but worse. I miss you guys. a lot.

I really was going to try to write to you about my big trip some time. I hope I do so soon.

Thank you again.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R

PS  as i was walking here earlier i was listening to one of Rend Collective's songs and it mentioned my status as a child of God, and that's a phrase we throw around a lot but i dunno it just kind of hit me this time... like. why does a daughter of the being that created the universe have to feel like this? idk... that's proabbly not the right question to ask but. yeah. it's an empowering thought, that relation/status/identity it really can be but yeah. it's a funny ol' world we live in, eh?