Or at least it is while I'm writing this. ;D happy birthday to me! It has been a very happy birthday indeed. In fact these last two weeks have been shockingly good.
I'm about a week away from my final deadline today. And if you asked me even a week ago, much less a month ago, if I would be this calm and free a week before my deadline I would never have believed you. These last few weeks have been amazingly productive and it is 1000% God's work.
If this post turns out to be anything like I want it, it may be pretty heavy, but not very sad. I may have to write this in several sittings tho so it might not be my birthday or even before my deadline before I post. So we shall see how this goes.
As for my birthday, I got so much done yesterday that I decided to turn in a draft to my supervisor (for the last time!) half a day early and take all of Tuesday off. It's been nice. I started the script for my next colloquium on The Liberal Aren'ts (a podcast I am making with the Hannim :) ) and then had a really long REALLY great conversation with my friend Lindsey over lunch. By then the rain had cleared so I went on a long windy walk in Port Meadow - and I saw a steam train pass by in the way! As I write this in in a little cafe, waiting to meet a friend or two at the pub for dinner tonight, and then some other friends to see a new Miyazaki film tonight. Tomorrow around noon I have a final meeting with my supervisor, and then I think I might get lunch at the town market and then watch Wonder Woman again because Y'ALL. I am in love.
I didn't actually come here to talk about Wonder Woman, but if you get me started believe me I will.
What I did come to talk about is a lot bigger than that tho. I haven't posted in a while and that's mostly because life has actually been really good, and I think I've been making real progress. Part of that is either because it has at least resulted in freedom from depression of late.
I'm not entirely sure to talk about my spiritual life. For all my Christian upbringing I'm not sure how to talk about real stuff without it sounding fake. My spiritual life seems to have had some important turning points since November or so. I don't think I'll go into all of it. But recently I made a bit of a revelation.
I've known for a long time that my biggest struggle is sloth, or apathy, or laziness, or whatever you want to call it. I've said that for years. And it's true. But I had a realization about it, and it came from, of all places, a joke I made, and a reference to Fullmetal Alchemist.
For those of you who don't know FMA I'll try to explain a bit. Fullmetal Alchemist is a manga/anime (called Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood) which features, among other things, a villain with 7 servants named for the 7 deadly sins: Pride, Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Lust, and Sloth. Sloth isn't the most interesting character and is introduced rather late but he's very well imagined. Sloth is one of the biggest and strongest baddies and is the fasted being there is. He can move extremely fast. He just doesn't. He's tired, and although he does what he's told his eternal refrain is basically "uhhhgggg but that's such hard work." When he is finally killed (um, spoilers!) he says "dying is such hard work" (or something like that. It's been a while since I read the actual quote). I was joking about this the other day but like. That is me. That is EXACTLY my thought process. Living is too much work. Dying is too much work too.
I've been thinking about this for the past few days, and I realized at church a few weeks back that by laziness isn't mere apathy. It's fear. Fear of hard work.
God has been working on my heart for the past several months, certainly since November and especially since March, in requesting his, for lack of a better word commission on my life. The problem I have run into again and again is this knowledge of myself - this resigned knowledge that even if God DID give me a mission to do, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't defiantly refuse. I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't get around to it. It would just... Pass me by. And I would let it. I know.
Anyway. I realized that I was afraid of hard work. Extremely afraid. Afraid of my future, no matter what it contained. I asked God to remove this fear from me, and forgive how I have given into it in the past.
To be honest? The whole thing still does frighten me. But you know what? I have had one of the best most productive and enjoyable two weeks that I have ever had. And in only a week away from a final deadline that by all rights should be stressing me out!
Somehow I feel weird talkingn about the GOOD things that happen to me, even though I am apparently fine with telling you the bad. I'll try to keep going.
Whether it has been my spiritual journey, or the coming of wonderful springtime, I have been experiencencinf a real relief from depression these past few weeks. And that's really amazing. I pray it keeps up.
My biggest worry right now is the fact that I will soon be moving home. Everything has just gotten perfect and soon I have to leave. But I think maybe I should talk about that another time.
I just wanted to give yall an update while I'm feeling alright. Thanks for reading!
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Rissa
