Giving Thanks

I know you're going to say that this post is coming a few days late. But screw that, it's not. Thanksgiving isn't a holiday in this country and I shouldn't need a calendar to tell me when to post like this.

To be honest, we all know this would be a better blog all round if I did actually look at the calendar every once in a while - then maybe I wouldn't go for a month or so between posts.

I have lots to say, and little to say, and both of these are good. What I mean to say is that this really fantastic thing has been happening and that is that for the first time in a long time my life is starting to feel normal again.

This is, clearly, God's work. I really don't know how else to describe it. Like I know I'm not out of the woods yet and stuff - I'm starting to really feel the hurt of how much this whole depression thing has been affecting my health. My diet/exercise and the cleanliness of my room are at an all time low, and that is really saying something. Also I've been having serious trouble sleeping. Like the kind where you either lay in bed till 3am wondering why you can't sleep or the kind where you wake up at 4.30 for no reason at all. But all that said: for once in my life I'm... actually getting work done. And not even hating it.

Ok let's be fair: I am still, as I described myself just the other day to a friend, a "lazy, whiny, procrastinating git". And now that it's gotten colder and darker I've been even less active - and have been taking fewer walks in the park :( but for most of the days this week I really was able to get up and WORK and actually do stuff. Which I know is like the actual lowest standard for most working people's lives, but it's rather new for me.

I've finally FINALLY written a paper that I don't despise (that said I haven't received any feedback on it yet - I'm almost wishing I could just submit it straight to the Uni without going through my supervisor (I technically could except that I said I wouldn't, and I've already sent it to him) because at this point any comments he or anyone could give would just be a lot of work for me on a project that is already better than my other 4 barely-passing (but PASSING) essays. The work I have to do now is, unfortunately, returning to this Hume paper I don't actually give a rip about but must be ready by Jan 11th.  I want to bring as little as possible of it home with me for Christmas.

All of last year I was feeling like this part in my life was their weird exception, and if I just hurried up and graduated I could get back to the REAL world and my REAL life not in Oxford. Recently I've started feeling a little more adjusted to this new normal and new home - it took me over a full year. And it's kind of sad because I'll be leaving it, forever, sometime this summer.

Ok let's not think about that. Story time! A few weeks ago was the postgrads weekend away and it was just about the best thing ever. We went back to that farmhouse in the Cotswolds which I think I posted about last year. First of all, the lady who lives there, Iona, is the ACTUAL SWEETEST LADY ON THE PLANET. Second, her house is SO beautiful and comfortable and lovely and UHG. This is the kind of house best described by the fact that every one of us who entered it were convinced that we WERE going to get lost and find a spare bedroom with nothing but a wardrobe in it. Like for real, there is only one way stories in houses like this end. Like it wasn't a suit of armor type house, it was a working farm house type house, but uhg I love it so much we all wanted to stay there forever.

But okay all that aside - this time was different than last time. We get into small groups (or 'tiny groups' i think Kate called them?) Now I lead one of the small groups in church these days but that's just kind of me being willing to talk the most. In any case I did not lead a tiny group and I am very glad of that, especially because Katie, who did lead, did an amazing job. So I was not raised in a tradition that really "does" a lot of the stuff Aldates does - like prophetic words and speaking in tongues and stuff. And I'll be honest I still don't get the tongues thing (and that's ok, i don't have to 'get' it). But the prayer we had over this weekend was really something else. I cried a LOT. It was something that was above and beyond what I deeply, deeply needed before I even knew that i needed it. In fact, if any of y'all in my group are reading this - thank you so much for your love and support and prayer from that weekend. You taught me a LOT about prayer and about God and about me.

I don't know if I can put into words the kinds of things I learned really. But by the end of it - after a weekend of late night talks and very long prayers and game nights and a hike through the farmland hills - the word I would use to describe how I felt is "recommissioned". It was like the Lord was reminding me that I didn't just chose this path I'm on, and I don't have to know the bigger picture future plan to commit to doing it. I have been trapped for a very very long time by this feeling which I was eventually able to describe as the feeling of "I don't..."What I mean by that is this feeling of knowing what I should do, knowing what is right and better and helpful, but then just NOT EVER doing it. And getting trapped in the feeling that since I always fail to do it, I know I never will do it. Does that make sense? Like I've gotten to the point where I make a point of not making promises to anyone about anythign because I do not ever trust myself to not fail them - usually out of apathy, more than anything else. It's like I'm incapable of bringing myself to care enough that it spurs me to action. And that weekend it was pointed out to me what a lie that is. As one of my dear friends said, it's not that I "don't" do things, it's just that I "haven't", but that doesn't mean I can't. Does that make sense? Like it sounds so very very "no duh!" when you say it out loud but it's a really different thing to mean it.

Even typing all o fthis out seems like cheapening it, so maybe i should just stop. The point is, I thin I had been saying for a long long time "oh I can't do this God help me" but I don't think I had really meant it and accepted it until sometime this month. It wasn't a moment - it wasn't as dramatic as all that. But something did change, is changing - and it all happened before I could even realize that that's what it was. It was like I got work done before I even realized that I was getting work done and how exceptional this was. Even things like the fact that I've woken up before 5am three times this week have ended up I think being beneficial. (tho i do need to learn to go to bed better. and earlier).

All in all I cannot say how important this is for me and how thankful I am. I don't know how much I said (and I'm way to lazy to go and read my own blog) but I was really effing SCARED of this term and this winter - and to be honest? maybe I still should be for next term but I'm not right now - because I knew it would get dark and cold and I would shut down, and it made me really sad that I was going to - it felt like enevitably - shut down and stop caring even when I started finally writing on games. But God has protected me from that, and - I honestly did not believe this was possible no matter how many times people prayed it for me - given me some amount of joy in my work.

All I can do is give thanks and pray that it holds, that this wasn't a "summer camp high" you know? I feel I've had enough of that in my life, thank you. Right now my life seems pretty dominated by the fact that I'll be gonig home for Christmas, and wanting to get things done first. We'll see how that goes. I am super excited to go and see my family and friends in Texas again.But I am hoping that it won't be quite so painful this year for me to make the trip back (back here after New Years I mean).

Finally, and on a completely different subject: 1.) I finished Stranger Things. Someone please come and hold me and let us discus my deep love for my Sweet Winter's Child, Eleven. 2.) Hannah got me onto The Adventure Zone, this amazing podcast of the mcelroy bros and thier dad playing DnD - I have gotten really interested in DnD recently, and luckily my sister has too! So that's given me more to continue looking forward too. Seriously tho go listen to this show.

I think all in all I'm not out of the woods - looking around at the state of my room and feeling the extreme reluctance I'm feeling towards cleaning it says that much - but I had to share that I have had probably the best week I've had since I moved to Oxford, or since I graduated JBU. I've gotten work done, I've talked with friends, I've watched good shows and played good games, and did I mention I got actual work done? I mean it's not finished or whatever but it's finished enough for me to take a weekend off! And that is truly remarkable. Oh also, Thanksgiving was great and the staff here at college did a FANTASTIC job, they really blew me away with the lunch they made us for thanksgiving, thank you so much Wycliffe kitchen!! That was simply wonderful.

Thank you as always for reading.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

P.S. I've had Christmas music stuck in my head for several days now and I am 100% okay with this. "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" is one of the most theological and beautiful songs I have ever heard and I think we should sing it all year.