Oxford Again

I had thought about posting once every day on this trip. I really had. But alas what is past is past. 

So far this trip has been several things. Exhausting. Energizing. Interesting. Surreal. 

Being in Oxford again has such an interesting feeling. It feels normal. As if I never left. As if the last year of my life was somehow less real than all of this. But at the same time, without my studies, and with tying to fit much into few days, it doesn’t feel like it did. It’s like I cannot remember what those two years were like at all, and also like I am back in them, all at once.

What’s been really wonderful about this trip has of course been the people. I had forgotten, it seems, what a difference it makes to have friends nearby. Real friends, and not on skype I mean. Friends where I don’t need any excuse to see them. Where we can talk about everything and anything all in one afternoon. I’ve missed the pubs and the parks far more than the museums and libraries - although I miss those too - because they contain these people. I miss evenings at Chequers, board game nights,  and long walks through parks or countryside. And thanks to my wonderful friends - friends willing to drive/ride for hours to come into town - I’ve had all of those and more these past few days.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to take home with me. Not physically, I mean. But take back to the mundane, suburban, oppressively hot and rather... well isolated is the wrong word. Stuck. The stuck place I’m at back home. 

I don’t really want to go home. It didn’t take me long to realize that of course and I knew I would feel this. Feel it as I walk to streets and when I sit here in Port Meadow and let the wind blow me. But I’m going back anyway. Back to work and back to school. Back to I don’t know what I’m really doing. Back to I don’t really have a good reason to leave the house, or anyone to leave it for. And I don’t think I can change all of that overnight.

I want to get better. I want to have this again. Maybe not even here. Although I would love it here. But can’t I have two of these? Even in some small regard? I don’t know.

I don’t want to make any brave proclamations of change. I know that this is a high which will be followed by a low. But I don’t want to leave this place empty handed. 

I’m not of course. I’m leaving with countless amazing and great experiences, some of which I never thought I would have a chance to have, most of them due to my terrific friend Lizzy. But I hope that this time, at least some of those experiences stick.

Thanks for reading. I’ll try to post at least once or twice more during this trip. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above he heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen. 

R

On My Way

Perhaps I’ll get the hang of this travel blog thing yet. 

This post is going to be a bit different. Because it’s going to be about something very very good!!

When I left Oxford over a year ago, I had not actually graduated from the University. I had earned a degree, but it had not actually been conferred. Oxford puts a lot of sock in their traditions, you see. At the time - mid July if I recall - the only ceremony which my college was scheduled for was in mid September. And I couldn’t afford to stick around that log. I needed to move back to the States, where I had clearance to be employed, and where rent was significantly less - in my case nil, as my parents have been generous enough to let me move back in with them. 

In any case, I said then that I would prefer not to graduate in absentia - meaning they hold a ceremony without you and mail you your papers. So I delayed it, saying I’d be back in a year and a few months. It would give me the excuse to travel again and see friends. And, well, it finally has. 

I’m writing the opening of what will hopefully be a long post on the flight east. It’s a 7-8h flight which is shorter than I’m used to as I’m taking a different layover and a different airline than normal. You see, when you don’t need to check a bag, it turns out it’s significantly cheaper if you take a layover in Iceland. And hey. It means I get to see Iceland!!

Last night and this morning I was a bundle of nerves. The kind that keep you up at night and upset your stomach. I’m honestly not used to feeling that way about trips. But it’s been a while. It turns out that, so far at least, I had nothing whatsoever to worry about. And have only and exclusively been made more and more aware of God’s blessings on this trip.

I’ve been planning this for months. My summer job gave me a lot of time waiting around for a phone to ring with access to a computer. And honestly if I had my eyes open at all I could have seen the blessings in all that. I found very affordable air fare that is giving me some amazing opportunities (more on that later) and everything is working out. 

I had a bit of a scare last night, as when I checked in, the wrong name was put on my boarding pass. An error, I believe, in the passage of information from Priceline to Icelandair, resulting in a typo that causes me some stress, and $30 to fix. I also stressed a LOT over packing. Challenging myself to really under pack for this trip as I always over pack. But I have to bring my sub fusc (formal attire for the graduation ceremony) and that takes a lot of space and weight. But so far that’s worked out too, as the airline gave me no trouble for my bag. 

Even the little things have worked out. When o originally checked in I was given a middle seat on the plane (as in between two people) but when I re-checked in after correcting my name, I was given the option - previously unavailable but mysteriously now allowed - to switch one seat to the right and sit by a window (does this mean the seat next to me will be empty? Perhaps. We’ll see). But I’ve had even MORE amazing fortune in the seating department. 

When boarding, I came to my row (mine was the isle seat) and found the lady who had booked the window seat asking to switch - I don’t know the reason, maybe she was claustrophobic and wanted an aisle too. But not switch with me, switch rows. The flight attendants helped her and that means there would only be two passengers. The guy who had booked the middle seat asked if I minded switching with him just for take off - saying that once we were at altitude he wanted to try and switch to a different aisle seat too, giving me mine back. But before we even took off it became clear that the aisle seat right across the aisle from us had not been claimed. Which means that I’ve ended up on a 7h flight with an entire 3 seat row to myself. Miracles, right?

I also, because I’m so used to just listening to podcasts, kind of forgot that you can watch good films on airplanes. Finally got to watch Isle of Dogs. It’s good. As I write this I’m watching the last minute or so of a sunset over what I believe to be Lake Superior. Don’t know that I’ve ever seen that lake before. But I guess now I have. I forgot how much I love traveling. 

My first stop on this trip is, as I’ve said, Iceland! I have a 10h layover. Which is an interesting amount of time. I’m leaving the airport and going to try to get breakfast at this museum nearby. Then I’ll decide whether I want to try going elsewhere or just back to the airport early. Probably the later tbh. Then I fly to London, to catch the bus to Oxford, for not the first and hopefully not the last time. 

I cannot say how excited I am to be back in this city and win these people. The amount of friends I’ve had that are willing to take off work and even to cross the country to come into town this weekend has been truly humbling. Most of my plans have just been to be in my favorite spaces - the parks, the pubs, and the libraries (I still have a readers card, but can’t check books out) but my friends have been great in arranging other trips too! Especially the friend I am staying with, whose love of theater and experience with London theaters is to my extreme benefit, as she has landed us tickets to not one but two shows which I have very much wanted to see; Harry Potter and Hamilton! I know right?!? Lizzy you’re amazing.

I am a little bit sad that because of the way timing has worked out, I will likely be unable to attend either Sunday or Tuesday night services at the church and chapel I used to. I’ve got a lot of great memories with those places and people and services, so it’s a real shame. But the people and places are still there and I am excited to share with them again. And, I think, return to thank them for helping to put me on the path I am on, and introducing me to the Anglican tradition. 

After my time in Oxford I’ll fly home, but not before I stop in Iceland again. This time, overnight. I’ve planned a very ambitious day. For the first time in my life I will be renting a car, and driving myself first to my hostel, and then the following day on a 5-8-ish hour road trip around Iceland’s “golden circle”! I think I spent more time planning those 26 hours than I did the entire rest of the trip! 

I know that this is probably another occasion of me letting myself be blown by the whims of fate. I’ve noticed more and more how fragile my mental state is. How quickly bad weather - figuratively or quite literally - can throw me into deeper depression. And it’s been a while since fortune as it were has blown so strongly in my favor. But even if I am being blown around I want to seize this opportunity. To perhaps regain some ground and some perspective. 

Even the process of packing - or rather of going through Sony things to find a few items I wanted to pack - worked to open my eyes. Going through old papers it felt like I had forgotten my life in Oxford, and forgotten how entirely blessed I have been. Being back in all of this feels like a real wind beneath my wings. And I’ve no clue if it’s all going to come crashing back down when I go back to working as a substitute teacher September 24th. But here’s to hoping I guess.

My prayer for this trip is to have open eyes to see and know and remember how God has blessed me. And for it not to fall through my fingers like sand on the way home. I would appreciate any prayers on my behalf towards that end as well. Thank you very much for reading, and to all of my Oxford friends who are helping make this trip great. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above the heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen. 

Rissa

Overqualified and Undereducated

Wow that could be a nice blog title right there huh. If that blog isn't already on the internet, then dibs.

This isn't going to be a review type post, if you couldn't tell, but more like the ones I wrote back at Oxford. I need a space to think, and to process.

I've been thinking recently a lot about what I want to do. Both in the long run and next steps. And I still am so unsure. Right now I'm a substitute teacher. And I've been accepted to an alternative certification program, to pursue a Texas teaching certificate. In order to get it I would need to pass some exams - that's the easy part - and work as a full time high school teacher for a solid year. I've had the papers to begin training towards this for almost a week now. I still haven't signed them.

When I left JBU the goal was to get a Masters so I could get a PhD, and to then get a PhD so that I could teach at the undergraduate level. But then, having finished step one, I felt and still feel completely unprepared to move on to step two. In order to do so I would need a research proposal, and I would need funding. And that's not even answering the question of if I could actually DO the work or writing a doctoral thesis. On top of all this hangs the prevailing question: Do I even really want to teach undergraduates?

I've been working at a freshman campus of a high school for some time now. And I know that freshmen and seniors - much less freshmen in HS and freshmen in college, or even juniors in college - are extremely different. And maybe I can attribute this to my own lack of experience in public school. But I just don't know if I can teach high school. I don't know if I can deal with the students there. As a sub it's one thing but as a teacher it would be another. I would, I think, become very discouraged by them. But right now it feels like the only job I have a shot at really getting. And I'm going to need a job that can offer me benefits, and soon.

Every thing else I look at, when I try to research how to get involved in other fields outside of teaching, seem to involve me needing MORE education. Returning to college. And I don't know that I can do THAT either. financially or otherwise. I've spent years of my life studying. I have two degrees. And I feel like I know nothing. I know how to DO nothing at all.

Recently I've been really wishing that I had the equipment and know-how to make stuff with my hands. Anything, really, but especially the type of stuff craftsmen make. I wish I could be a carpenter, or a blacksmith, or something. But for starters, you need a lot of equipment for that I am not about to pay for, and also I have literally no idea how to do anything, and have never ever tried.

Sometimes I wish I could give up all that I've done and go be an apprentice to some craftsman in some small town, who would hire me without bothering with the fact that I'd never done anything before, and would pay me a living wage to learn from them.

Every once in a while, I'm still swept with an idea in philosophy. I think "maybe THAT's something I could do a thesis on." but they never stick. and even if they do, I can't get them to stick to paper. I have no idea what I'm doing. And no idea what a research proposal would even look like.

I feel like I will never find work which I find fulfilling. And that I can't do anything, for lack of knowledge, skill, tools, and primarily, dedication.

I finally decided to talk to a therapist the other day. I've met with her twice now. I was supposed to go a third time, but I forgot, and missed the meeting. I'm sure it's a thing that you're not actually supposed to look at what it is the doctor is writing down in their notes. Not supposed to see your file. And luckily I'm not very good at reading handwriting, especially upside down. But I couldn't help but notice at one point during our first session, my counselor writing the word LOST and circling it. And she's not wrong.

Every once in a while I spend an afternoon and evening feeling very stgonly that I ought to DO something. Something more than sitting upstairs and playing videogames until it's time to go to bed. I get tired even of my text and skype based conversations with my friends. People - including my new therapist - have given me endless suggestions for things I could do with my time. They all seem to bounce right off, unfortunately. It's like in my head I've already decided that I'm *NOT* going to do anything. So I don't. Even if I want to. I know I won't so I don't. If that makes sense. It feels like I can't talk about this to anyone too, because all they want to do of course is help. Help by making suggestions of things that I should do. Suggestions it seems inevitably will not be tested or followed through.

it feels like something in me broke at grad school. or when i left jbu. it feels like somehting was taken. I don't want to think anymore. But I've never trained any part of myself besides my brain. I've never trained by body. I've never trained my hands. I haven't really trained my heart all that much.

Why do I want to get a certificate anyway? How would I even go about finding other options? Why do I feel like the idea that people would hire me if I went to Oxford was such a lie? It's just like when I was a kid. The only things I'm good at are things I don't care about. And it feels too late to change.

I am so privileged in my life right now. So blessed. So why do I feel so powerless? So useless? so hopeless?

I've told myself that I shouldn't feel ashamed for not even trying to look for a way to move out of my parent's house. But I don't think I've ever believed it.

Sorry to be such a bummer. Thanks for reading. Hopefully next week I'll be back with something better to discuss. I've got several topics lined up.

Again, thank you for bearing with.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R