Hey guys

I feel like I really ought to write a post. It's been a while. Life has been going on. But at the same time I really don't want to. Because I'm lazy and I don't feel like remembering the last few weeks or analyzing my thoughts about them.

But it's been ages.

Things have been normal I guess? Meaning they have been very up and down. The weather has been up and down too, but today it was simply gorgeous. But I... I mean I was outside a bit.

I was going to say I haven't gotten much work done, but it's been a while - I did get a lot of work done, I finished an essay draft for my supervisor and met with him to discuss it. But since then I haven't done much of anything and I feel very bad about that.

The meeting I had with my supervisor was very good - productive. We really looked at some detailed ways that the paper could be improved - not just edited, but like bring out the argument. But I will say, the day before the meeting I got his initial notes, and a few of my friends and family can tell you, it really put me in a state.

One... well I was gonna say one good thing. But one THING which might be good but it sounds weird to call it that because it sounds bad and maybe it is... one thing that came out of this, was a realization/me finally admitting what I've been thinking for ages, that's rather scary and I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. The realization, now that I have a BA in Philosophy and have moved half way across the world to this super expensive city to get a BPhil in Philosophy - is that I don't really want to be a philosopher. I'm not sure that I ever did.

See here's the thing. The reason I wanted to get a BPhil was so that I could get a DPhil/PhD. The only reason I wanted a PhD was so that I could be a professor, and the only reason I wanted to be a professor is so that I could teach. And you know what, maybe I still do want to teach? But all of this is very different from being a Philosopher. I'm not about to make any grand claims about what it means to be a philosopher. Philosophers, I am sure, come in many shapes and sizes (but please don't give me that "everyone is a philosopher!" line - I mean people for whom that is their profession). But I don't know. Now that I'm here neck deep, I really don't like it.

It's not that I don't like Oxford - or at least I don't think it is. It's not that I dislike anyone here, there's no professor out there ruining this for me. It's just that.... I don't CARE about most of this. And the things I do care about? I don't care about philosophy enough to want to/be able to state the things I care about in philosophic terms. Half of the time I read philosophy I want to show "WHO CARES?!" and half of the time I think "this is a great topic - why on earth do we have to be so mechanically thinking about it?" - I say mechanical because somehow it sounds wrong to say "logically". I hopd you know what I mean. Systematic and proofs and UHG does that make sense?

I never wanted to do research. I don't have ideas to contribute. All I wanted was to be able to take philosophical ideas and explain/teach them to others. And you know what?? I'm not sure I want that anymore. I'm not sure I care enough.

These days? The only thing I really care about with any kind of passion are 1.) fiction and 2.) video games (which are a medium of fiction i know i know).

I'm scared of the future. I don't know what it'll be like. Right now all I've decided is that IF I do pursue a PhD in Philosophy - and that is an "if" at this point - I'm not doing it right away. I have no idea what I'll do after this is all over - maybe be productive for once in my life, and earn my keep somewhere? - and i dnot want to think about it now.

All in all, what this realisation has changed is my outlook: The good part of it is that it's releaved some of the "I SHOULD like/enjoy this, but I don't!" pressure. The bad part is that I haven't made it a full year at Oxford yet - I've barely reached the hard part - and already this had become a bare "I just have to graduate. I just have to make it to the end."

I don't know that I can. Make it to the end I mean. I really don't know if I can. Or will. But the one thing which I most want to do and yet want to firmly refuse to do is give up.

That was stated in a very confusing way. What I mean is this: I WANT to give up. Man you should see how much I'm limping as I write this. Every day I'd rather just NOT. But the one thing I want to refuse to do is to do HALF a degree - I am not coming home without this BPhil. I'm just not. Too much has gone into this, and if I walk away now, I will spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" And I cannot have that.

The rest of my life. An odd concept. In my better moods I say all of these things about getting to learn the story the Author of salvation has written for me. I say things about how young I am and how many surprises I'll have and how one day this will all just be a distant memory of something I got through. I talk of destiny and of hope. Right now? right now I'd rather just not. Just not learn that story. Someone can tell it to me later, I don't really have to figure it out myself do I? I don't strongly desire a future - i kind of dread one. Maybe one day I'll look back on this and think about how sad that is, or was, because by then thing will have gotten better. I will have gotten better. But for now?

sorry to be such a downer about all this. it's nearly 11pm. i shouldn't write posts this late. Being depressed in the spring is hard. Not as hard as in the winter but now It's NO NICE I feel bad for not taking advantage and for not enjoying.

Oh, yeah. if I haven't used that word before, or haven't mentioned... I finally went to a few counceling sessions the other day. Because, if you somehow coudlnt' tell, I am depressed. have depression? what's the word there? Whatever. It's not like a weekly thing sadly (it's through the uni and they are super busy) but yeah. at least I've asked for help? not sure what good it will do.

I still feel really lonely, somehow, even though I've had lunch with friend like 3-4 times this week!! What's with that? One thing that Oxford has taught me is how very veyr important physical affection is to me. Which is a bit scary as it seems very hard to come by in the grown up world, and I'm not looking for anything romantic/etc. I need to get a dog... I wish there was a place here in Oxford I could go to interact with a dog. The parks don't cont because all the dogs are so well trained that they ignore me. WHich is impressive but a real shame.

Thanks for reading guys. I'm sorry I taek so long to update and then I do so in SUCH down moods so often. But thanks for reading. Yeah. Feel free to message if you want. And uh, pray I get some actuall work done tomorrow. I really need it.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.