Rugby

So let's talk about Rugby. mostly because I just got back from it and I finally feel like blogging. We'll talk about the rest of my week later - it has been a good one - but for some reason i feel i have to write this down separately right now. Just for me, even if it tells you little.

So for those who don't know I've been going to rugby training practices. Right now they hold separate practices for the returning players who are good (The Panthers is the team name, though the first string is, like all Oxford Varsity teams, known as the Blues) and for brand new players. Which is really REALLY nice because otherwise I wouldn't even go.

Y'all keep asking if I'm liking it, and I always respond: well I'm not good at it but the girls are nice. This is the truth. The girls are nice. I've walked back to campus (one problem is that it's like a 45min walk to the pitch for me. I need to get a bike.) with a few of them. But when I say I'm not good at it, I mean it. We've been doing passing drills and playing two-hand-touch for now. And I just... On defense I can't defend because I'm not fast enough to catch anyone, and I'm constantly offsides because I can't keep up with the ball. Once I'm offsides I can never get back one. (In rugby simply being offsides doesn't penalize the team/play unless you effect play - like get in the way of a payer or the ball - while offsides). On offense, I can't even receive because somehow I'm always in front of whoever has the ball, and then can't get behind them. I can't run because I am neither fast not agile, and I'm not great at passing either, mostly because I can't keep in my head an awareness of where everyone is until it's too late.It's a balance of if you should keep the ball of pass it of course and I feel like I can't do either. Oh, also, I get tired out like not even 10 min in I swear. Out of breath, can't run, the lot. On the pitch I'm slow and dumb. I don't know what I'm doing, and when I'm doing it I'm not doing well. You might think rugby is a bunch of hardened berserkers, but it's a bunch of quick rouges. And I can't keep up, mentally or physically.

I really don't know why I'm playing. I don't know why I think I can do this. I don't know why I think I should. I was half tempted to talk to the coach after practice and ask bluntly if there was ANYTHING I was doing well. I didn't, because he was busy and I didn't want to whine and he was just going to tell me that everyone's new at this anyway or tell me to work on things I already know I do poorly like staying behind the ball.

At this point, I know that my doing well at this is out of reach. In fact, my doing adequately at this is out of reach too. For me, the fact that I'm doing it at all - actually showing up - is like a miracle. That feels really pathetic, and I don't think the coaches would understand if I told them. It's hard to see it as a victory.

Everyone says I'll get better. I don't know that I believe them. But for whatever reason, I'll keep doing. Not well. Not even adequately. But doing none the less. Is it fun? I don't know. I guess it feels good to do something. Even if it feels kind of defeating every time.

I'm not good at the "well I tried" attitude. I don't want people to think of my like that. But I am at a level of fitness so low that even if I'm the worst one there, I guess being there is as good as I can do.

I made this post because tonight it didn't feel good. I felt disappointing. Not that anyone acted like that. But I did. I guess I made this post to ask myself why I am still doing this. The answer is because I feel like I should. like it'll make me better somehow. Because I finally, finally chose to do something and did it. And if I can keep even that up, maybe I'll be better than before.

I'll fill y'all in on my week later. It's been full of museums and plays and I've got a ton of great pictures to share. But first I have an article on epistemology now.

Thanks for all your support guys. For all I know I may stay on the beginners (non-Panthers) team for more than a term. Heck, maybe more than a year. I don't feel like I'm part of a team yet. I don't feel like an athlete. But at least I'm not sitting at home.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

updates updates updates

okay so there's isn't so much to update on. It's more like - y'all have been such good listeners through all of my whining that I feel I ought to update you every time something good happens in my life just to make sure you all know I'm okay.

It feels like it's been a week since I last posted, but it's just been a few days. It feels like it's been far more than a week since my last lecture, but it's only been a long weekend. it's weird. I'm sure soon enough I'll feel the opposite - it can't have been a week yet?! - all of that.

So let's see, where did I leave off? Ah yes, I had just returned from Wednesday night small group at church. Okay so after that on Thursday I... well what happened Thursday? I had another rugby practice, got some bruises there but had fun. and then I think that was the day the Tolkien group met.

Sorry this is starting to sound more like a lazy report than an actual blog. But this is the fun part. So there are countless groups and societies on campus right? Some more serious and some more silly. One that I obviously had to sign up for was the Tolkien fan group. I have to be honest I was scared that they would be the super serious guys - like those guys on that one old RPG blog who criticized every turn of my character design because it didn't feel elven enough - but their freshers "moot" was by far and away one of the best nights I've had so far! It was absolutely jam packed with people, but they were fun people. There was more good food than we knew what to do with, and I even got to try some mead! (it is probably the most aromatic thing I have ever ingested. I could taste it through the smell by holding a glass near my waist.) We played some icebreaker games and a sort of Tolkien catch phrase type game. And it was just generally a really nice time, and no one was snobbish about it. I got on well with the group leaders too (the first game we played we split ourselves between beginner, intermediate, and advances. I went with the middle group until they sent me over to the advanced ring :P) and had a great time. I was one of the last few there and went to leave (it was like 11pm) but then got the response I'v been waiting for for some time now - 'Is that an N7 hoodie?!' Yes. yes it is. So then we talked for another solid hour about how much we all loved Mass Effect and Dragon Age! It was really wonderful ;) I was supposed to do a Tolkien-ish walking tour with them today but I took a nap instead... maybe because that night I also stayed up until nearly 2am skyping a friend back home. But it was all worth it.

Anyway the next morning I wake up, it's a Saturday, everything's going to be relaxed, I have some reading but nothing pressing and then about 7:30 I suddenly remember OH THAT WAS TODAY. Matriculation day! So I hurried up and found all my things, including the shirt I hadn't actually tried on yet that was still folded around whatever crazy cardboard/plastic restraints they use to present nice shirts in stores. I am very proud to say that I actually went to the trouble of ironing the darn thing (before promptly covering it all with a blazer and my robes which hadn't been ironed). I normally hate fancy clothes and dressing up, but I have to say it actually felt REALLY good. Confident. In fact, I don't think I've ever looked as good - what I mean to say is normally when I dress up nicely *I* don't think or feel like I look good. In fact it's rare that I think that about myself in any case. But I felt really good yesterday. And everyone else looked great and just the general excitement was fantastic. Very refreshing. I also really liked the Vice Chancellor's remarks.

Let's see, what else? A friend I met at beginner's rugby practice invited me to formal hall at St. John's College, from which I've just returned, so that was really nice. Aaaand I have a good bit of reading to do tomorrow because obviously I haven't spent the weekend doing school work!

I've been reading the Republic again and at times having to try hard to remind myself why I like Plato. Because seriously so much of this is messed up. So yeah there's a part of me that's still very much wondering what I am doing here. But at least I've had a few good days and met some friends?

Thanks as always for reading. I gotta get back to my books.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Rissa

P.S. Pictures! There are a lot more on FB if we're friends.

I'm to lazy to title each post

Okay. Sorry it's been a while. Everyone is constantly asking me how I am, and i'm getting tired to answering them, so I've been avoiding this blog. Also because every time I remember this blog it happens to be in a time when I feel bad. You need to know that this isn't a constant state for me. It's the evenings that are hard. And thats normally when I have time to blog.

This week has been up and down. Some fun things happened, but we'll start with the bad.

So classes started. As a BPhil student, I am required to take two lecture classes per term, and this first term I also have to do a half-term (read: 4 week) seminar class. So far I've done one section each of Epistemology, Moral philosophy (that's the seminar), and Plato and Aristotle on True Belief and Knowledge (basically ancient epistemology). So far these classes leave me feeling.... dissapointed, I guess is the best word. Not so much disillusioned, just, well, bored.

You see, when I applied to this school I was freaking out because they have such a great program and oh this will be great. And now I'm here and I keep thinking.... why am I here again? Why did I want this? It's not that I've failed my hopes and dreams - I'm actively living what was my dream! - but now I don't really remember why. And to be honest, that's terrifying. As my mother can testify, I have cried several times this week. So let's just put this out there: I am scared. Very scared. These classes, I am so, SO over my head. Like epistemology? I could barely do the reading because like what? what are we talking about and why? And then with Plato, the class I was excited for, it's just kind of dull. The prof just kind of very slowly talks about the issue. It's like a topic that COULD be really exciting if he would let it, but somehow it's not. Moral philosophy is better, because it's a seminar (read: open discussion). All and all it's hard to suddenly be around so many people - especially other students "on my level" (I say that as an insult to me, not to them) who have done such different (and seemingly far more extensive and deep!) reading on each subject than I have - bringing up things and making points that I don't even begin to understand. For the first time in my life, I'm the girl who sits in the corner of the class and blocks half of what's said in the room out becuase I just have no idea what's going on.

I haven't started writing yet, but that's just as scary. These people who I feel like I can't even talk to are going to read my papers. I feel like they will assume I know my stuff - meaning I've read all of what they have - and I just haven't. I just don't know these things. I mean I couldn't even tell you which works count as "late plato" vs "early plato". I haven't even heard of some of these things/people.

All in all, I feel very behind and quite bored. I haven't found a place to actively engage in the part of philosophy I actually like.

Okay. That's the bad stuff. out of the way. TL;DR: I'm freaking terrified and worried I made a mistake in even coming.

Now the good stuff. Yes there is good stuff, thank God.

So first of all, praise the good Lord above and thank you so much to everyone - there were like 5 of you - who told me to go to St. Aldates church. I'm not kidding. I don't know what it is about that place but it just feels so right to be there. I went on Sunday and I went tonight and, I don't know that I've ever said this about anywhere before, but God is there. I don't know if it's the people or what - there is nothing about the church I can point to. They sing mostly songs I know and am used to. But when I went on Sunday morning - I sat by myself (though one lady I met last week did say hi!) and just before the service started I felt somethign hit me like a physical wave. It was homesickness. And I cried. All throughout the time we were singing, and during the sermon, and though the whole ting, I just cried. I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't ugly or loud, thank the Lord, and it was off and on. But I just cried. I cried because I missed my family, I cried because I missed my friend, I cried because I wanted a hug, and didn't have anyone in this whole continent whom I could love. I cried because I was far from home, I cried because I was scared of my course, I cried because of so many things. I cried because Jesus loved me, and because the Lord God had brought me here, I cried because God is constant and sustaining and he lets us praise his name. Afterwards they asked anyone who needed prayer to come forward, and I found myself unable even to talk to the kind but probably very confused lady who came to ask if I was alright. She prayed for me, and encouraged me, and afterwards, once I had dried my eyes, they had a lunch for new students and I got to meet a few others.

They invited me to their Wednesday night group for postgrads, from which I, as I sit writing this, have just returned. The kind of "theme" for them right now (the church as a whole) is the river of living water from Ezekiel 47. And somehow tonight I just felt thirstier for that than I ever have - to kneel before God and be washed in a waterfall of his life. I don't know that image just came to my mind. Afterwards we were split into groups and I really like mine already. Two of the people (a girl and a guy) are from Wycliffe, so I walked home with them. It's been a while since I've been in a group that I fell in with like this. Since I've been in a church that I felt the immediate need to remain in.

The other exciting thing is that I actually went to meet/do a taster session with the university women's rugby team. And it was really fun. You all know me, you know I'm not anywhere near sporting. I'm not fit, I couldn't run a lap without stopping. I am still not sure I could do rugby even if I tried. And there I things to work out - getting the gear, and also getting contacts so I can see while on the pitch, if I really commit to this. I'm scared of committing to it and then backing out later. But I'm going back to meet them again on thursday. We shall see.

Did other good things happen? I don't remember honestly. I caught up with both Steven Universe and Gravity Falls. I should be reading Plato in stead of watching animated children's shows, even if they are awesome and grown up.

Oh and a special shout out to Rachel Anderson. I got your letter on monday. I cried. I hope to write you back properly soon, just know that your letter was exactly what I needed and didn't know I needed. Thank you so much. And praise God for his providence there.

I think I'm gonna go eat a bit of British chocolate (yes I'm bragging you poor Americans without galexy bars) and head to bed.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Rissa

P.S. Send me mail! If you do I might test out how well galexy chocolate does through the post when I send you mail back :)

P.P.S. Actually I can't promise that, I have no ide how much international shipping costs... send me mail anyway!

P.P.P.S. If you have any books or other things that are only/more easily available in Britain, remember to message me!

P.P.P.P.S. Sorry no pictures this time.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh! one more good thing happened: i met up with the Oxford University Company of Archers. So that may be a thing which I do as well.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Because SO many of you asked (thank you!) My mailing address is just Wycliffe Hall's mailing address (no box #, just my name):  54 Banbury Rd, Oxford OX2 6PW, United Kingdom

Those Pictures I Promised

First: The Ashmolean! This museum is amazing guys. I was geeking out!!

(oh ps: this robe was worn by Lawrence of Arabia)

That last one is Vincent Van Gogh, bye. 

I KNOW RIGHT?! I was freaking out. 

Anyway. More adventures include:

Making pancakes all by myself

And only burning two of them. 

Aaaaand the Old Bodleian!

Look there's me sneaking a selfie. Get ready for more of these because guys. This room. 

First off, they filmed part of Harry Potter here. It's the Hogwarts Infirmary. 

So I'm in this room right? Cool Harry Potter. I'm just lookingn around, no one else really around. Then I go to leave but as I do I glance up. Oh. My. Lord. The ceiling. I seriously stared at this ceiling for the next twenty minutes.

Like dang! They aren't the best pics but really. It's gorgeous. One of the wonderful ladies who work there saw the look on my eye and shared a story with me that I really loved. 

She told me how one day there was a man looking around in the hall outside, at the ceiling there. (It's pretty, but like 1/50 of this.) and she spoke to him and he said that he was a stonemason himself to he loved the carvings. She told him that he absolutely must go inside, despite the fact that you normally need a ticket or a readers card. She dragged him in there and said that he stood there staring for the next solid hour, tears streaming down his face, and all he could say was "The cost!"  I just thought that was a beautiful story. It really is so beautiful. 

Well that's about it from me for now. I leave you with a sunset. Goodnight all!

Naughth Week

What, what is this? Two non-dismal posts in a row? This must be the calm before the storm if there ever was one.

I am in the last few days of "0th Week" (pronounced "naughth week") - the week before 1st week, when term starts (terms here are 8 weeks and the weeks are spoken of as 1st-8th). I have to say I don't feel prepared. I still have to sort out several major things - like my class schedule!

It's been an up and down week - ask the people I've been texting! (thanks for putting up with me guys) - but the last two days or so have been good. Busy, but that's good too. I've gotten to hang around Wycliffe more in the mornings, and get to know my Hall mates. There are some cool people here, one or two of whom I even remember their names! And getting to be with the Phil students in the evenings. Fresher's Fair was also today, when the new students are all very rapidly introduced to the many, many, many, many groups on campus - from charities to job placement to academic clubs to fan clubs to sports to choirs to language lessons to plays to end of the year dances/balls, you name it, it was there. I signed up for about 90000 things, and will probably have to unsubscribe from about all but 4. But still. I got a scoop of free ice cream and a free slice of pizza out of it :P And a stress ball...

Anyway. I just thought I would let you know that I am doing all right. If I can, i'll use my phone to post some pictures - probably in a post right after this one. I, among other things, was inducted into the Bodleian library this week! Getting your library card is a pretty big deal here and the library is gorgeous! They won't let you take pictures of the coolest parts though. I also visited the Ashmolean museum, which was awesome!

Also also, I got to meet my supervisor for the next few terms, Dr. Karen Nielsen. We emailed a bit, and I got really scared at first because I realized when she asked that I had no idea what I wanted to write about. I didn't even know in that moment why I ever wanted to do ancient philosophy to start with. But she's helped me find my feet a bit already. So here's to hoping (and praying!) that my first essay for her goes well. I'm still scared to death of it.

I'm definitely still getting settled here - my room is such a mess! - but I've been doing somewhat better. I still don't have what I would call close friends, but I have people I'm more comfortable talking to, both at the hall and the phil department.One thing that has helped is occupying my evenings, when I've been tired and in my room and feeling down. The thing which has helped the most with this is, surprisingly, Steven Universe. (Don't judge. I can feel a few of you judging me.) For those who don't know this is a pretty strange animated kids show that's great because it teaches some pretty grown up lessons about getting along with others. Anyway, in case you watch that, I'm near the end of season 1 right now. And yes I already know spoilers for the twist there. :P

Anyway. I should go to bed now. I will try to get some of those pictures posted soon. These will be on Facebook whenever The Normandy (my laptop) stops being a butt. (it was totally fine! Now it says it's "connected" to the network here but "no internet connection". Anyone else have trouble with this? All my other devices are fine on the same network.)

Thanks as always for reading everyone. I love you! And thank you for your prayers and concern.

Rissa

Inductions, and food for thought

So I think I've started a pattern here. I have begun to alternate between long rambly posts which chronicle my insecurities and unquietness and short posts which assure you all that I am still here and okay.

First off, thank you all for the supportive messages and just offers to talk. If I don't respond, it's just because I am busy and have been at orientation/induction all day.

This morning was unsettling for me. Because through the morning, which was an introduction to my Hall, Wycliffe, I was haunted by the strengthening feeling that i simply don't belong here. Everyone else is in theology, and I'm not. Everyone else is just... I dunno. You get the picture. Once again, what am I doing here?

Then I went to my Phil orientation and learned more about what I would be doing. And let me tell you right now, it is super duper intimidating. like for real. it's gonna be a lot of work. it's scary. But being around the other students and the staff did help confirm to me the message that so many of you helpfully reminded me of: that everyone else feels like they are faking it too.

I had to skip the really nice looking drinks reception where I might have met some of the faculty in order to make it to my hall's formal dinner to begin the term. It was actually quite nice. And I had some great conversations with some people at the drinks thing after that. It kinda confirmed again that there are some really good people here. So maybe it's a good thing I chose them.

I'm still not completely sure, but I feel less hopeless tonight, and I thought I would tall you all as much, before I begin sharing only the bad things!

I would like to do more actual thought sharing and not just emotional reflections, so we shall start with this:

So Wycliffe is evangelical right? but more specifically, Anglican. There are a lot of people here seeking ordination in the Anglican church. And what's so special about it being anglican, you might ask? Women. Note that I didn't say it was a bunch of men seeking ordination. I don't know what you all believe concerning the ordination of female clergy, church leaders, etc. But personally I think being in this environment is nice. because it's not weird for them. it's not a debated issue.  I myself have been asked several times if I'm here for ordination. And somehow just the idea that I could do that and everyone would think me fully capable is nice, I dunno. The fact that that limit is gone, even if I never plan on heading in that direction, is somehow really nice. It breeds a much much better atmosphere in my opinion.

I'm not here to debate or start fights, I know it's a complicated issue. But I wonder if everyone up in arms about female church leaders have ever met them. Food for thought.

It's Back

That daunting, slow but suffocating sense of "What am I doing here?"

Let me preface this by saying that I have had a rather good several days. I went to international orientation, Wycliffe's welcome lunch, had drinks with the other Phil students, went to St. Aldates (that's a church), and rooted for England in a very sad game of rugby; the works. I've met so many people now, and that's nice. I don't feel quite so alone. I don't have what I would call friends - actually I don't remember 99% of their names, including any of the names of the people who live in my building. But it's been nice to be in a group, and with the Phil students, to share my passion with others.

However, meeting all of these people has made one thing markedly worse. It's something that has been plaguing me every night/evening. It's not a total constant, but just about every day in the hours before I go to bed, when I'm decompressing on my laptop or lying in bed texting friends back home,, it comes back: That acute knowledge and pressing fear that I am in way, way over my head.

I know that there's this thing called impostor syndrome or something like that. And what I'm feeling is basically exactly that. But knowing that it's a "syndrome" or whatever does NOT make it feel any less blatant, real,  problematic, and terrifying.

Guys what am I doing here? Like, really? I don't know philosophy. Not really. I know bits here and there - often useless bits, and bits that everyone else knows. I've never even read half of the names I've heard from other students recently, and even those I have read, I have completely forgotten what they said. Even the terminology, like really basic stuff, I just nod along to as if I understand.

Every time I have a conversation I feel like a little bit more of a fake.

Also I'm really bad with names. Like seriously you could tell me your name and I've forgotten it by the time you're done saying it. it's bad.

But seriously. How in the world did I get here? How on God's good green earth am I supposed to do this? WHO thought that I could do this and that it was a good idea?

Maybe everyone else - all those students who seem like they know what they're talking about while I nod along - maybe you're all just faking too. But it sure doesn't seem like it.

Maybe it's the Ancient Phil. aspect. Because like Aristotle's Ethics is pretty intro-to-phil stuff right? and all their modern phil isn't. It's like I stopped at the beginners level and now everything I could say is something everyone else already knows. Like what am I supposed to say? How?

Each night I'm swamped by questions: why did I chose ancient phil? why here? why not somewhere easier, and cheaper? What if this all screws up? I can't afford that.

We haven't even properly started yet and I just feel like a fake.