It's been a while, y'all. Sorry about that. I've actually been done for a while now - over a month. And I've been officially done since Friday afternoon. But I just... I don't know what to do with this information yet. Still.
I finished my thesis. I finished my degree. I passed. I'm done. I have a Bachelors of Philosophy in Philosophy from Oxford University. It's mine now. And now, in just over a week's time, my ~2 years living in Oxford will be over too.
I've changed. A lot. I'm... not sure how I feel about going home. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I'm not, I'll tell you that. Now don't get me wrong! I'm not like dreading going home or anything like that - there are a lot of things I'm looking forward to! I am VERY excited to see my family again. And to be in a time zone that's not 5-7 hours away from most of my friends. And I am looking forward to no longer living in this super transient state, where "I would do/get that but I'm leaving soon" is something I constantly think. I'll also be glad to have an income, assuming I can find a decent job.
At the same time - I love this place. I have friends here. And it's beautiful. I love the people, I love the parks, I love the buildings, I even love the food and the weather. I've gotten to know this place - know it better than I know Flower Mound, the city I grew up in and am moving back to. Because I walked it streets. Because its streets were meant for walking. I love my church family here. And I really don't know what I'm going to do back home.
At first, when the end of term came, I had this bit of a shock - I had been mentally preparing myself for so long to come to terms with the fact that I was leaving, that I totally forgot to prepare myself for the fact that most of my friends, especially at college, were leaving first. But I'm actually glad they did. It'll make it easier when it's my turn. Less people to bid farewell all at once.
So yes. Excited is not the word I would use to describe my feelings for the next stage of my life. I'll be honest - right now moving back home feels like taking a step back in time. Back to the time when I used to live there. And that's not okay. I've changed so much over these past two years - for better and for worse. And I cannot allow myself to regress back to the person I was.
One thing I'm a bit worried about is if everyone back home expects me to be that same person they knew. But then, maybe I should be more worried about myself being convinced that home should be exactly as I left it, when it's not, and shouldn't be. The real thing I'm worried about tho is just myself getting complacent - myself LETTING me go back to the way I was before. I shouldn't villainize my former self - there were some things I was better at then. Like early mornings. And there's a lot that I want to get better at now that I have told myself "I'll start when I get home" but for some reason haven't started here.
Ok. Where was I. Started rambling there. I'm done. That's what I was talking about. I'm done and it feels oddly anticlimactic. I finished up my thesis two days before the deadline and just kind of felt like "welp. that feels done i guess". I read it over in full the next morning, out loud, and then took it straight to the printer, and an hour later I was headed to exam schools to turn it in. As is my tradition, I went and got an ice cream after. Since then I've been... well not doing much really. I'm still in town because I have a conference this weekend (more on that in a bit) but I have honestly mostly been in my room playing videogames... Sad, I know. I take a walk every day but often it feels like I just don't have anything to DO. And several of my friends are out of town - either for the summer or for the week. Packing is a daunting challenge which I have been attempting to chip away at but it's slow going, mostly because I don't have to leave right away.
I guess I should talk about this conference, huh? Because I'm... terrified really. Maybe that's too strong a word. Highly intimidated. It's not my thesis I'm presenting at this conference, it's a short essay I wrote in like December. To be honest, this paper was written from the get-go for this conference. I needed to write a short essay, I found out about this conference, I looked up the invited speaker's work, and decided to write a response. I submitted to the conference and was accepted, but it's hard to tell how big a deal these things are. All the same I don't think it really clicked in my head that I was going to speak at a conference in which I would present a response to one of the invited speakers. Like I knew it was a bigger deal than any other conference I'd been to - mostly because the man organizing it was in my bibliography. But then we got the talk schedule. First, unlike the smaller conferences (or should I say bigger? More people but less important) I've been to, there's never more than one talk going on at once, so everyone there is around for all of the talks. Which is intimidating enough, knowing that everyone on the list will likely be there for my talk. But then there's the order. First is the invited speaker, of course, to open up the talks. And then there's me. Right after him. Going second. Responding to his paper by basically saying why I think he's wrong, and I have a better theory. Yup. I'm sweating just thinking about it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited - I'm excited to meet the people who I've been reading and citing and all of that but my STARS is it intimidating. I hadn't realized it, but I guess I haven't really ever been to or been a part of a "grown up" conference like this. But yeah. That's what I'll be doing on Friday morning. How about you?
I am really glad it's like first thing tho - get it over with. And I am looking forward to a lot of good discussion. But for now I'll just sit here shaking, trying to think of ways I could prepare for this, and wondering how you present a paper when 2/3rds of your major sources are sitting in the room with you.
But hey! At least my thesis is done! And I received some really phenomenal feedback on it! Seriously, both of my assessor's responses were some of the highest compliments I have ever received, and the mark was 5 points higher than my highest essay score (and 10 points higher than my lowest)! I'm so amazed, I keep re-reading over it. Only thing left to do now it turn in a copy with my name on it for the library. And then eventually I'll have to come back and graduate. One of these days. It's kind of nice having that small promise. That I'll be back if for nothing else than for that.
Finally, there's the question of what I should do about this blog. This blog started for a few reasons. One, because I'm bad at journaling and I've heard it's good for you. Two, because I wanted to host open discussion about stuff people don't always want to share about, like depression. But MOSTLY because I was sick and tired of repeating my life story to all of my friends separately while I was away and wanted a place I could direct them all instead. And a lot of the need for that might be going away. But then again, it might not - as I move back towards my US friends I leave all of my UK friends - and international friends - behind. Maybe I should keep this blog going. Should I change it's name? Hmm. Let me know what you think.
As always, thank you for reading. Really. It's been nice to hear that people are reading this, and I'd love to talk to even more people about this stuff. Thank you.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Rissa
I finished my thesis. I finished my degree. I passed. I'm done. I have a Bachelors of Philosophy in Philosophy from Oxford University. It's mine now. And now, in just over a week's time, my ~2 years living in Oxford will be over too.
I've changed. A lot. I'm... not sure how I feel about going home. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I'm not, I'll tell you that. Now don't get me wrong! I'm not like dreading going home or anything like that - there are a lot of things I'm looking forward to! I am VERY excited to see my family again. And to be in a time zone that's not 5-7 hours away from most of my friends. And I am looking forward to no longer living in this super transient state, where "I would do/get that but I'm leaving soon" is something I constantly think. I'll also be glad to have an income, assuming I can find a decent job.
At the same time - I love this place. I have friends here. And it's beautiful. I love the people, I love the parks, I love the buildings, I even love the food and the weather. I've gotten to know this place - know it better than I know Flower Mound, the city I grew up in and am moving back to. Because I walked it streets. Because its streets were meant for walking. I love my church family here. And I really don't know what I'm going to do back home.
At first, when the end of term came, I had this bit of a shock - I had been mentally preparing myself for so long to come to terms with the fact that I was leaving, that I totally forgot to prepare myself for the fact that most of my friends, especially at college, were leaving first. But I'm actually glad they did. It'll make it easier when it's my turn. Less people to bid farewell all at once.
So yes. Excited is not the word I would use to describe my feelings for the next stage of my life. I'll be honest - right now moving back home feels like taking a step back in time. Back to the time when I used to live there. And that's not okay. I've changed so much over these past two years - for better and for worse. And I cannot allow myself to regress back to the person I was.
One thing I'm a bit worried about is if everyone back home expects me to be that same person they knew. But then, maybe I should be more worried about myself being convinced that home should be exactly as I left it, when it's not, and shouldn't be. The real thing I'm worried about tho is just myself getting complacent - myself LETTING me go back to the way I was before. I shouldn't villainize my former self - there were some things I was better at then. Like early mornings. And there's a lot that I want to get better at now that I have told myself "I'll start when I get home" but for some reason haven't started here.
Ok. Where was I. Started rambling there. I'm done. That's what I was talking about. I'm done and it feels oddly anticlimactic. I finished up my thesis two days before the deadline and just kind of felt like "welp. that feels done i guess". I read it over in full the next morning, out loud, and then took it straight to the printer, and an hour later I was headed to exam schools to turn it in. As is my tradition, I went and got an ice cream after. Since then I've been... well not doing much really. I'm still in town because I have a conference this weekend (more on that in a bit) but I have honestly mostly been in my room playing videogames... Sad, I know. I take a walk every day but often it feels like I just don't have anything to DO. And several of my friends are out of town - either for the summer or for the week. Packing is a daunting challenge which I have been attempting to chip away at but it's slow going, mostly because I don't have to leave right away.
I guess I should talk about this conference, huh? Because I'm... terrified really. Maybe that's too strong a word. Highly intimidated. It's not my thesis I'm presenting at this conference, it's a short essay I wrote in like December. To be honest, this paper was written from the get-go for this conference. I needed to write a short essay, I found out about this conference, I looked up the invited speaker's work, and decided to write a response. I submitted to the conference and was accepted, but it's hard to tell how big a deal these things are. All the same I don't think it really clicked in my head that I was going to speak at a conference in which I would present a response to one of the invited speakers. Like I knew it was a bigger deal than any other conference I'd been to - mostly because the man organizing it was in my bibliography. But then we got the talk schedule. First, unlike the smaller conferences (or should I say bigger? More people but less important) I've been to, there's never more than one talk going on at once, so everyone there is around for all of the talks. Which is intimidating enough, knowing that everyone on the list will likely be there for my talk. But then there's the order. First is the invited speaker, of course, to open up the talks. And then there's me. Right after him. Going second. Responding to his paper by basically saying why I think he's wrong, and I have a better theory. Yup. I'm sweating just thinking about it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited - I'm excited to meet the people who I've been reading and citing and all of that but my STARS is it intimidating. I hadn't realized it, but I guess I haven't really ever been to or been a part of a "grown up" conference like this. But yeah. That's what I'll be doing on Friday morning. How about you?
I am really glad it's like first thing tho - get it over with. And I am looking forward to a lot of good discussion. But for now I'll just sit here shaking, trying to think of ways I could prepare for this, and wondering how you present a paper when 2/3rds of your major sources are sitting in the room with you.
But hey! At least my thesis is done! And I received some really phenomenal feedback on it! Seriously, both of my assessor's responses were some of the highest compliments I have ever received, and the mark was 5 points higher than my highest essay score (and 10 points higher than my lowest)! I'm so amazed, I keep re-reading over it. Only thing left to do now it turn in a copy with my name on it for the library. And then eventually I'll have to come back and graduate. One of these days. It's kind of nice having that small promise. That I'll be back if for nothing else than for that.
Finally, there's the question of what I should do about this blog. This blog started for a few reasons. One, because I'm bad at journaling and I've heard it's good for you. Two, because I wanted to host open discussion about stuff people don't always want to share about, like depression. But MOSTLY because I was sick and tired of repeating my life story to all of my friends separately while I was away and wanted a place I could direct them all instead. And a lot of the need for that might be going away. But then again, it might not - as I move back towards my US friends I leave all of my UK friends - and international friends - behind. Maybe I should keep this blog going. Should I change it's name? Hmm. Let me know what you think.
As always, thank you for reading. Really. It's been nice to hear that people are reading this, and I'd love to talk to even more people about this stuff. Thank you.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Rissa
