(I am sorry. There wasn't a Hamilton song title that fit for today.)
It's really hard to start something again once you have a break. Rugby was like that, still is, but this whole school thing? Even more.
The past few weeks have been odd. short. long. Unproductive, yes somehow busy. It has taken a LOT for me to even convince myself to do anything at all productive most days. I am still looking for a topic for my papers, and once again I have no clue what to say. My supervisor suggested something good but even with the limited reading I've done, it doesn't seem promising. So prayers for that, thanks.
I've had good days and bad days. I decided to wait until an especially good one before I wrote on my blog again. But now it's been long enough that I don't know what to say. Here are some highlights I guess?
Had a really great second beginner's rugby practice. Cat and Rocky came back, and practice is always super hard but super good when they are here. The new girls did SO well!! Way better than I did :P
I MAD SOUP I am so proud of myself and SO happy. I honestly hadn't realised just how much food effects me - not that I wasn't eating, I was eating, I promise, but I was eating sandwiches and cafeteria food. Which is basically how I ate all through JBU so really I don't know what's wrong with that? Whatever. Finally I decided that I can't have the exact same sandwich every night, so I went out and bought actually groceries including a vegetable! (it was an onion. baby steps.) And I got a few rescipies my mom had sent (I ended up combining 2-3 of them) and I made my own taco soup with my own taco seasoning! I cannot tell you how much joy it gave me to have something so good and warm that I made and that tastes even a little bit like home. And now I have leftovers! Enough for 4-5 meals probably. I am so happy.
So one of my lectures, the one that honestly should be the good one - the one that if I had heard a year ago that I would get to be in this class with these professors I would have been very excited - has turned out reallly.... really boring. It's on Aristotle's Ethics, and I am going to keep going because that's what I'm writing on, but I have to be honest, I kinda zone out in class, and I forget most of what is said because I don't know that I really follow it. It's probably me, not the prof, but I dunno.
My other class has only met once but it's REALLY good. It's on Perfect Being Theology (to you JBU friends who were in Thoe. Sem. - yes that means natural theology. Mostly Anselm. But don't worry. There's a week on Barth later.) And of all the 4 seminars I've been in so far, this one is the most engaging by far, even though it's not the most discussion based. The presenter is just good.
Let's see what else? Not much. I've gotten to meet up with some friends - played a game of catan and a game of civilization, which was really fun. Went to a birthday party where I met some cool people, little things like that. Surprised a few Americans by being American (3 different Americans (on 2 occasions), after speaking with me for a bit and telling me where they are from, have responded to the news that I am from Texas with "you're American?!"). Still listening to too much Hamilton. Trying to switch back to Mumford just to have something else.
It hasn't all been fun. I've actually been really down this week. Feeling lonely in a way that I can only describe as physical. It's not like I'm alone. I've met some friends and have spent several evenings with groups (too many! I need a few nights in by myself!) and I spend a LOT of time chatting online with my friends. But it's not the same you know? I miss you guys. A lot.
What else, what else? I did laundry? :p met some of the SCIO students. ummmm I made soup! did I say that? And... oh I've just remembered that I left my tea downstairs. Hmm. Don't worry, I haven't actualy made it yet - right now it's just a tea bag in a mug. I was gonna make it when I was done with soup but then I washed dishes and forgot to pour the hot water :P Anyway I should go get that. I hope y'all are having great weeks!
Thanks as always for reading even my most boring updates (with no pictures! What a sham!)
R
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The Story of Tonight
Well, today.
Guess what I did today.
(I've never understood - should the phrase "Guess what..." have a question mark at the end? Because it's not actually a question, it's a command, but it assumes a question will be asked. Hmmm.)
I played in a rugby match today.
I won't say I played well. But I played my first real game today! Against girls who weren't from my own team!
Okay first off, why none of you knew this would be happening today: Because *I* didn't know. Here was the plan for today: 1.) get up, go to the first beginners' rugby practice of the year. 2.) Maybe stay and watch the Panther's first game of the term, since I knew a few of the girls now (although honestly I would have to be a saint to stay for that game to just watch, because of the weather) 3.) Go home, shower, spend some time reading, 4.) go to the 6pm service at church. - a relaxed day with a work out at the start.
Here is what happened today instead: I got up (so far so good), I went to rugby. It was at a different pitch today, and so I met up with another one of the beginner girls so we could find it. Practice was good - we have at least 5 new girls to join! I wasn't one of the newbies any more, I was one of the three girls who knew what I was doing before we did it! Okay so everything is going pretty well. It's COLD outside and WET (as in, while we were walking there, we got a tiny bit of snow/sleet, nothing notable/white, just like rain that happens to be frozen). But practice was good. These new girls are picking stuff up SO fast! Faster than we did I think. They're gonna be great.
Okay so then right as we're doing the practice de-brief, the couch looks at me and my friend who I walked with and says "Do you two want to play today?" And we just kinda stood there like deer in headlights and went "....yes?" Feeling like we were diving off a waterfall. A very cold waterfall. So he takes us over to the changing rooms, where all the other girls on the panthers team are waiting, including a few of the girls I knew from beginner's practice last term who are on the team now. And she and I are just sitting there like "okay what are we doing? where do we go?" We didn't even have shirts/numbers, etc. We kinda just stand around while the others get ready - we're already in our boots and already covered in mud. As subs, we layered up as best we could (those sweatpants were supposed to NOT get mud on them!!) and then went out with the teams to warm up. As a forward I got a crash-course on scrumming (I did indeed play as prop) and then apparently I was ready? I wasn't.
This match was a friendly, which is why they let us sub. The other team was good though. For the first half of the game we sat on the sidelines. And DID I MENTION IT WAS COLD?! It was so cold. And windy. And wet. And cold. My body was not made for this. Anyway after freezing on the sidelines for most of the game, and pretty much praising God that the couch hadn't put me in yet (the more I watched the more I realized that I had NO idea what I was doing), anyway near the end of the game I finally here "okay we're gonna sub in Rissa in about 5 min." Which was, you know, terrifying. But I took my coats and sweats off and was handed a previously subbed girl's shirt (which was like 3-4 sizes to small btw. It may actually have been the smallest shirt I have ever warn) and told "you'll be playing Prop" as I jogged on the pitch, not even knowing who I was replacing until she came to me.
I basically spent the entire end of the game (not long - less than 15 min. I'm sure) just being in the way and being in the wrong place. I made 1 tackle, helped with a few more, had the ball once, during which time i was tackled before I could pass it on, and sadly the other team won the ruck :(. As it was a friendly, and not in good conditions, we were playing uncontested scrums (which means they were really easy, just line up and lean, no fighting). I was involved in those a lot because we had a lot of knock ons on both sides. There was a line-in, but I wasn't involved. No one scored while I was on the pitch, though they got close. We ended up winning the game, though not by much. We went back inside, limping a bit, changed shoes, and had some burnt pizza, and one of my friends got player of the match!
I am still in shock, physically and mentally. I am so beat up. I have inhaled SO much freakishly cold air, my throat is terrible. My toes hurt a lot. I've been wearing contacts today a lot longer than usual. I am so tired that I skipped the 6pm service, and right now I'm only hoping that I feel up to the 8pm service. I may just roll over and die first. Right now I'm just hoping I don't get sick from the cold. Hopefully I can, like, move my muscles and neck tomorrow. And like walk. My first class is on Tuesday, so I have tomorrow to do my reading.
I got a new mouthgaurd over break, and fit it and trimmed it this morning, but I'm still having some trouble with it. Men's mouthgaurds are just hard to breath in! I do not like them. That was distracting. Mostly I just had NO idea what I was doing. I had no clue WHERE I was supposed to be. I've never played with that many girls on one team before, so I didn't know what to do or where to be. I didn't know who all the other forwards were, or what to do during a ruck which I wasn't involved in. Do I join? Stand back and give depth? I don't know. I was offsides a lot, but never caused a penalty for it. I need to remember to give more depth. I just... I can't run that much. I have NO stamina. I wasn't in the right place because I didn't know where the right place was, but also because I couldn't run enough to get there.
So yeah. I had a surprising, very hard day today. But I played my first real game of rugby! I am so tired. And still so cold, after a long, hot shower. I probably still have mud on me despite washing just about everywhere twice :P
But hey. They thought enough of me to ask, and I was willing enough to say yes! I didn't waste my shot ;)
Now I have to decide how much I'm gonna do for the rest of term. I'm a rugger now!
Thanks
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. Pics!
Guess what I did today.
(I've never understood - should the phrase "Guess what..." have a question mark at the end? Because it's not actually a question, it's a command, but it assumes a question will be asked. Hmmm.)
I played in a rugby match today.
I won't say I played well. But I played my first real game today! Against girls who weren't from my own team!
Okay first off, why none of you knew this would be happening today: Because *I* didn't know. Here was the plan for today: 1.) get up, go to the first beginners' rugby practice of the year. 2.) Maybe stay and watch the Panther's first game of the term, since I knew a few of the girls now (although honestly I would have to be a saint to stay for that game to just watch, because of the weather) 3.) Go home, shower, spend some time reading, 4.) go to the 6pm service at church. - a relaxed day with a work out at the start.
Here is what happened today instead: I got up (so far so good), I went to rugby. It was at a different pitch today, and so I met up with another one of the beginner girls so we could find it. Practice was good - we have at least 5 new girls to join! I wasn't one of the newbies any more, I was one of the three girls who knew what I was doing before we did it! Okay so everything is going pretty well. It's COLD outside and WET (as in, while we were walking there, we got a tiny bit of snow/sleet, nothing notable/white, just like rain that happens to be frozen). But practice was good. These new girls are picking stuff up SO fast! Faster than we did I think. They're gonna be great.
Okay so then right as we're doing the practice de-brief, the couch looks at me and my friend who I walked with and says "Do you two want to play today?" And we just kinda stood there like deer in headlights and went "....yes?" Feeling like we were diving off a waterfall. A very cold waterfall. So he takes us over to the changing rooms, where all the other girls on the panthers team are waiting, including a few of the girls I knew from beginner's practice last term who are on the team now. And she and I are just sitting there like "okay what are we doing? where do we go?" We didn't even have shirts/numbers, etc. We kinda just stand around while the others get ready - we're already in our boots and already covered in mud. As subs, we layered up as best we could (those sweatpants were supposed to NOT get mud on them!!) and then went out with the teams to warm up. As a forward I got a crash-course on scrumming (I did indeed play as prop) and then apparently I was ready? I wasn't.
This match was a friendly, which is why they let us sub. The other team was good though. For the first half of the game we sat on the sidelines. And DID I MENTION IT WAS COLD?! It was so cold. And windy. And wet. And cold. My body was not made for this. Anyway after freezing on the sidelines for most of the game, and pretty much praising God that the couch hadn't put me in yet (the more I watched the more I realized that I had NO idea what I was doing), anyway near the end of the game I finally here "okay we're gonna sub in Rissa in about 5 min." Which was, you know, terrifying. But I took my coats and sweats off and was handed a previously subbed girl's shirt (which was like 3-4 sizes to small btw. It may actually have been the smallest shirt I have ever warn) and told "you'll be playing Prop" as I jogged on the pitch, not even knowing who I was replacing until she came to me.
I basically spent the entire end of the game (not long - less than 15 min. I'm sure) just being in the way and being in the wrong place. I made 1 tackle, helped with a few more, had the ball once, during which time i was tackled before I could pass it on, and sadly the other team won the ruck :(. As it was a friendly, and not in good conditions, we were playing uncontested scrums (which means they were really easy, just line up and lean, no fighting). I was involved in those a lot because we had a lot of knock ons on both sides. There was a line-in, but I wasn't involved. No one scored while I was on the pitch, though they got close. We ended up winning the game, though not by much. We went back inside, limping a bit, changed shoes, and had some burnt pizza, and one of my friends got player of the match!
I am still in shock, physically and mentally. I am so beat up. I have inhaled SO much freakishly cold air, my throat is terrible. My toes hurt a lot. I've been wearing contacts today a lot longer than usual. I am so tired that I skipped the 6pm service, and right now I'm only hoping that I feel up to the 8pm service. I may just roll over and die first. Right now I'm just hoping I don't get sick from the cold. Hopefully I can, like, move my muscles and neck tomorrow. And like walk. My first class is on Tuesday, so I have tomorrow to do my reading.
I got a new mouthgaurd over break, and fit it and trimmed it this morning, but I'm still having some trouble with it. Men's mouthgaurds are just hard to breath in! I do not like them. That was distracting. Mostly I just had NO idea what I was doing. I had no clue WHERE I was supposed to be. I've never played with that many girls on one team before, so I didn't know what to do or where to be. I didn't know who all the other forwards were, or what to do during a ruck which I wasn't involved in. Do I join? Stand back and give depth? I don't know. I was offsides a lot, but never caused a penalty for it. I need to remember to give more depth. I just... I can't run that much. I have NO stamina. I wasn't in the right place because I didn't know where the right place was, but also because I couldn't run enough to get there.
So yeah. I had a surprising, very hard day today. But I played my first real game of rugby! I am so tired. And still so cold, after a long, hot shower. I probably still have mud on me despite washing just about everywhere twice :P
But hey. They thought enough of me to ask, and I was willing enough to say yes! I didn't waste my shot ;)
Now I have to decide how much I'm gonna do for the rest of term. I'm a rugger now!
Thanks
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. Pics!
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Wait for it
So I wanted to update this blog before now, but as usual, I didn't get to it/didn't feel like it at the time.
These past few days have been very odd. Very slow and very fast, all at once.
So on the 12-13 (I can't believe it's already the 16th!!) I was in transit for around 24 hours - from 8am CST to 4pm GMT the next day. A LOT of that time was spend in airports - I had a 6 hour layover in JFK airport alone.
Now I'm here, and I guess I have been for a few days, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Wednesday night I went to church group, and that was good but I was, understandably, really out of it. Thursday I... Wow I can barely remember Thursday, what happened on Thursday?? I slept in, ate in the dining hall... I guess I unpacked. I slept a lot. Oh I remember there was a social meeting for the phil students, so I got back with them. That was fun. There are some cool people. Some weird ones though. The stories I heard, many are, well let's just say not the type of story you'd here at a JBU party. And then Friday, was that yesterday? They had some meetings for the first years about things like mental health. It was good of them to do. I got to talk to a few of the administrators about stuff and what/how I'm doing so that was good. Gonna keep on ancient phil for now, trying to figure out what to do next.
Today I think I was supposed to go play rugby all day, but I'm confused about that. You see, last term it was sometimes unclear what all practices the beginners (me) could be at, or rather which we should/were expected to be at. And this term it's REALLY unclear. This weekend is the mid-term training camp, and I had to miss the first meeting, and have today not gone to another day. I really hope that this doesn't upset anyone :/. I feel like I am in no way ready for a training camp. But I hope I don't regret this. I will start my training tomorrow with the one session that I KNOW the beginners should be at, and pray for the best.
Whenever life gets fast like this, I tend to retreat by acting slower than ever. I slept in late today and then stayed in bedreading fanfiction until just after noon. I feel like I should feel bad about that. But I don't think I do. That said, I don't need to be doing that more.
My last post here I felt terrible. During the days in between - my trip here and first day or so - I actually felt quite good. The trip actually went REALLY REALLY well. I was blessed by not-being-sat-next-to on two of my three flights - the longer ones at that! And then in Gatwick I met someone friendly; another american girl travelling, not unlinke me, and we chatted for a while. When I got here it felt almost nice to be back. Seeing my friends from church was good. Seeing the other phil students was pretty good, though I don't know how many actual friend I have there. But now - or soon - I have to start DOING things. And that's scary.
I should be getting up early and doing things - something. Going to the library perhaps and reading, I guess? But this is the thing - no one has sat me down and told me exactly what to do, like they do in undergrad/the States. And this vagueness is letting me - and I am letting myself - flounder, already. I know, I know, classes haven't even started yet. I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do.
I also wish that I had someone to do it with. Being alone is... odd. The fact that I have no roommate/s, and no more responsibility to my housemates than anyone living in an apartment does, is odd. I have no one to hold me to anything. I have no one to come downstairs to. I have no one to meet up with and no one else's room to go crash in. My best friends are on 6 and 7 hour time differences - they don't wake up until what is to me around 1-3 pm. I feel the desire to be in constant contact with them at times, and then go days ignoring them, in turn. I don't know why.
I think what it is is a lack of certainty - Whenever I'm doing my own thing - which is most of the time, these days, I'm never ever confident that I haven't missed something, that there isn't something I wasn't supposed to be doing right now, that I'm not somehow disappointing someone or creating a situation which will later disappoint me. Mostly because I no longer have friends living around me and with me to remind me.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a good time so far - I had a great morning/noon too. I'm just typing up here a short analysis of some of my challenges. Because I need that.
Anyway, the other thing I haven't mentioned which has actually been consuming my life over the past 4 days is the musical Hamilton. Hannah asked me to listen to it, and I did so over my layover in JFK (In "the greatest city in the world!") and I have basically been listening to it non-stop (see what I did there?) on repeat ever since then. I 've actually lost track of how many times I have listened to this musical all the way through (The whole thing is on spotify). Because it is SO GOOD. It's also really good music for walking around the city. I don't think many people in this country has heard it or even heard of it (it is about the American revolution/founding). So it's kinda become one of those things which is mine, as an American. I never would have thought of things like that as being important to me, but sometimes things like country music comfort me now, not because I grew up on it (I didn't) but because it's kinda... mine. Here, anyway. I dunno.
The music I listen to really effects me, and effects my mood. It may be that I should switch to something other than Hamilton for a while :P But I probably won't. I don't think I will ever get these songs out of my head, and I only know the words to 1-2 of them. (It's hard to pick a favorite, but Dear Theodosia is the only one I know the words to/can sing right now. It's beautiful and a lot slower than the others).
I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go try and not feel bad for not going to the weekend training camp, and not worry about my studies until term starts.
I am worried that I will have too many mornings like today, though. Not that this morning was bad, it was really nice, but it won't do, if I want to get anything done.
Thanks for reading, and for your prayers.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. I seem to have lost even my most basic cooking skills - I messed up a grilled cheese sandwich today. I blame this kitchen. Also has this country ever heard of decent non-stick spray? I almost want to go and buy my own skillet... But I won't.
P.P.S. I haven't even started looking for a job/any kind of paying work yet. So there is also that.
P.P.S. I probably shouldn't have switched to post-scripts so fast. In any case - how do I get over this severe case of "I don't wanna"? because that's what this is. Every single time I think of ANYTHING I ought to do, I simply feel very strongly "I don't wanna". Is it apathy? laziness? What is it? Self-centeredness for sure. In any case, I hope I can overcome it, because I need to..... But I don't want to.
P.P.P.S. bye for real now. Love y'all.
P.P.P.P.S. Oh wait pictures! Not many good ones, but here's a pair of sunsets... oh wait one sunset and one sunrise for you. Sunset is here in Oxford, sunrise was over the Irish sea, landing in Dublin. And finally, a picture of the closest to NYC I've ever been: aka a far away grainy picture of a skyline over an airport :P
These past few days have been very odd. Very slow and very fast, all at once.
So on the 12-13 (I can't believe it's already the 16th!!) I was in transit for around 24 hours - from 8am CST to 4pm GMT the next day. A LOT of that time was spend in airports - I had a 6 hour layover in JFK airport alone.
Now I'm here, and I guess I have been for a few days, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Wednesday night I went to church group, and that was good but I was, understandably, really out of it. Thursday I... Wow I can barely remember Thursday, what happened on Thursday?? I slept in, ate in the dining hall... I guess I unpacked. I slept a lot. Oh I remember there was a social meeting for the phil students, so I got back with them. That was fun. There are some cool people. Some weird ones though. The stories I heard, many are, well let's just say not the type of story you'd here at a JBU party. And then Friday, was that yesterday? They had some meetings for the first years about things like mental health. It was good of them to do. I got to talk to a few of the administrators about stuff and what/how I'm doing so that was good. Gonna keep on ancient phil for now, trying to figure out what to do next.
Today I think I was supposed to go play rugby all day, but I'm confused about that. You see, last term it was sometimes unclear what all practices the beginners (me) could be at, or rather which we should/were expected to be at. And this term it's REALLY unclear. This weekend is the mid-term training camp, and I had to miss the first meeting, and have today not gone to another day. I really hope that this doesn't upset anyone :/. I feel like I am in no way ready for a training camp. But I hope I don't regret this. I will start my training tomorrow with the one session that I KNOW the beginners should be at, and pray for the best.
Whenever life gets fast like this, I tend to retreat by acting slower than ever. I slept in late today and then stayed in bed
My last post here I felt terrible. During the days in between - my trip here and first day or so - I actually felt quite good. The trip actually went REALLY REALLY well. I was blessed by not-being-sat-next-to on two of my three flights - the longer ones at that! And then in Gatwick I met someone friendly; another american girl travelling, not unlinke me, and we chatted for a while. When I got here it felt almost nice to be back. Seeing my friends from church was good. Seeing the other phil students was pretty good, though I don't know how many actual friend I have there. But now - or soon - I have to start DOING things. And that's scary.
I should be getting up early and doing things - something. Going to the library perhaps and reading, I guess? But this is the thing - no one has sat me down and told me exactly what to do, like they do in undergrad/the States. And this vagueness is letting me - and I am letting myself - flounder, already. I know, I know, classes haven't even started yet. I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do.
I also wish that I had someone to do it with. Being alone is... odd. The fact that I have no roommate/s, and no more responsibility to my housemates than anyone living in an apartment does, is odd. I have no one to hold me to anything. I have no one to come downstairs to. I have no one to meet up with and no one else's room to go crash in. My best friends are on 6 and 7 hour time differences - they don't wake up until what is to me around 1-3 pm. I feel the desire to be in constant contact with them at times, and then go days ignoring them, in turn. I don't know why.
I think what it is is a lack of certainty - Whenever I'm doing my own thing - which is most of the time, these days, I'm never ever confident that I haven't missed something, that there isn't something I wasn't supposed to be doing right now, that I'm not somehow disappointing someone or creating a situation which will later disappoint me. Mostly because I no longer have friends living around me and with me to remind me.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a good time so far - I had a great morning/noon too. I'm just typing up here a short analysis of some of my challenges. Because I need that.
Anyway, the other thing I haven't mentioned which has actually been consuming my life over the past 4 days is the musical Hamilton. Hannah asked me to listen to it, and I did so over my layover in JFK (In "the greatest city in the world!") and I have basically been listening to it non-stop (see what I did there?) on repeat ever since then. I 've actually lost track of how many times I have listened to this musical all the way through (The whole thing is on spotify). Because it is SO GOOD. It's also really good music for walking around the city. I don't think many people in this country has heard it or even heard of it (it is about the American revolution/founding). So it's kinda become one of those things which is mine, as an American. I never would have thought of things like that as being important to me, but sometimes things like country music comfort me now, not because I grew up on it (I didn't) but because it's kinda... mine. Here, anyway. I dunno.
The music I listen to really effects me, and effects my mood. It may be that I should switch to something other than Hamilton for a while :P But I probably won't. I don't think I will ever get these songs out of my head, and I only know the words to 1-2 of them. (It's hard to pick a favorite, but Dear Theodosia is the only one I know the words to/can sing right now. It's beautiful and a lot slower than the others).
I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go try and not feel bad for not going to the weekend training camp, and not worry about my studies until term starts.
I am worried that I will have too many mornings like today, though. Not that this morning was bad, it was really nice, but it won't do, if I want to get anything done.
Thanks for reading, and for your prayers.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. I seem to have lost even my most basic cooking skills - I messed up a grilled cheese sandwich today. I blame this kitchen. Also has this country ever heard of decent non-stick spray? I almost want to go and buy my own skillet... But I won't.
P.P.S. I haven't even started looking for a job/any kind of paying work yet. So there is also that.
P.P.S. I probably shouldn't have switched to post-scripts so fast. In any case - how do I get over this severe case of "I don't wanna"? because that's what this is. Every single time I think of ANYTHING I ought to do, I simply feel very strongly "I don't wanna". Is it apathy? laziness? What is it? Self-centeredness for sure. In any case, I hope I can overcome it, because I need to..... But I don't want to.
P.P.P.S. bye for real now. Love y'all.
P.P.P.P.S. Oh wait pictures! Not many good ones, but here's a pair of sunsets... oh wait one sunset and one sunrise for you. Sunset is here in Oxford, sunrise was over the Irish sea, landing in Dublin. And finally, a picture of the closest to NYC I've ever been: aka a far away grainy picture of a skyline over an airport :P
Monday, January 11, 2016
Last day in Texas
So. I'm home. I've been home for several weeks now. It's been Christmas, and New Year, and my mom's birthday. And now, it's almost time for Hillary Term to start.
I've got one day left in Texas. One last day to be in the States and with my family and not in school.
And I feel terrible.
I feel like I have a physical weight on my shoulders, or in the bottom of my gut. I feel like crying. And I don't know why. I'm not looking forward to the travel, that's true (I leave my house at 8am for a 3 hour flight, followed by a 6 hour layover, an 8 hour flight, customs, a 1 hour flight, and a 2 hour bus ride) but that's not it. I think a good bit of it is me really not wanting to go back to school but I think most of it is me just really not wanting to leave home.
I am so glad for the chance to come back and spend time with my family and friends, especially over the holidays. But it's made it so hard to leave. I can't help feeling like I will spend the entire term missing home. It's like that taste of freedom you get over Thanksgiving break that after you get back for finals feels like it's just teasing you, waiting for the end of term to come. Except this time I'm not at finals, but the beginning of a term.
About 10 days ago, at the start of the new year, I felt really hopeful about all of this. I felt inspired even. I was able to really put into words some of the problems I've had adjusting and commit to making things better. I reminded myself again that I really was doing this with the hope of being a professor, maybe at a school like JBU, and that if I wanted that, I would have to act like it.
So far at Oxford I've done the minimum amount of work. I've read just what I've been told to read, or just as much as I needed to write my paper. If I want to be real about this, I need to read. A lot. I need to learn, not make my own assumptions. I need to work hard.
I'm still really scared. Because I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know what I should do. And I don't know how to do it. But at least I was feeling like I should do it.
I still know all of that in my head. But right now I just really, really don't want to.
I am such a lazy person. Such a selfish person. I just don't want to do hard things and so I get depressed and whine and make posts like this on my blog. I need to just get over my self.
I woke up feeling really tired today. Even my eyes feel heavy. I feel quiet, sullen, withdrawn. I don't want to feel like this on my last day of break or my first day returning to Oxford. I was hoping that writing all of this would help. I don't know if it has. I have to check in for my flight soon. I don't want to.
I am so. Blessed. To be going to school. to be going to Oxford. All of it. I should be excited. I should be willing to work hard, to make use of this opportunity to the best of my ability, to at least seriously commit after everyone else has given me so much. But right now I'm not.
All I've done over break is play video games. I don't know why I expected differently. I had aspirations of going to the gym and working out and stuff. I did that once. I ate SO MUCH FOOD while I was here too. I'm gonna get back to the pitch and be even worse than I was when I started.
This whole break I've also been completely ignoring school. I have people to email and work to do and things to figure out and think on, but instead I've just acted as if while I was in the states, Oxford didn't exist.
Well i've said all I can think of for now. I'm really sad to leave, I'm really dreading the travel, and I'm really scared to return to school. I feel like crying. But I don't want to cry. I want to go back strong. I just don't know that I can.
Thanks.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
I've got one day left in Texas. One last day to be in the States and with my family and not in school.
And I feel terrible.
I feel like I have a physical weight on my shoulders, or in the bottom of my gut. I feel like crying. And I don't know why. I'm not looking forward to the travel, that's true (I leave my house at 8am for a 3 hour flight, followed by a 6 hour layover, an 8 hour flight, customs, a 1 hour flight, and a 2 hour bus ride) but that's not it. I think a good bit of it is me really not wanting to go back to school but I think most of it is me just really not wanting to leave home.
I am so glad for the chance to come back and spend time with my family and friends, especially over the holidays. But it's made it so hard to leave. I can't help feeling like I will spend the entire term missing home. It's like that taste of freedom you get over Thanksgiving break that after you get back for finals feels like it's just teasing you, waiting for the end of term to come. Except this time I'm not at finals, but the beginning of a term.
About 10 days ago, at the start of the new year, I felt really hopeful about all of this. I felt inspired even. I was able to really put into words some of the problems I've had adjusting and commit to making things better. I reminded myself again that I really was doing this with the hope of being a professor, maybe at a school like JBU, and that if I wanted that, I would have to act like it.
So far at Oxford I've done the minimum amount of work. I've read just what I've been told to read, or just as much as I needed to write my paper. If I want to be real about this, I need to read. A lot. I need to learn, not make my own assumptions. I need to work hard.
I'm still really scared. Because I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know what I should do. And I don't know how to do it. But at least I was feeling like I should do it.
I still know all of that in my head. But right now I just really, really don't want to.
I am such a lazy person. Such a selfish person. I just don't want to do hard things and so I get depressed and whine and make posts like this on my blog. I need to just get over my self.
I woke up feeling really tired today. Even my eyes feel heavy. I feel quiet, sullen, withdrawn. I don't want to feel like this on my last day of break or my first day returning to Oxford. I was hoping that writing all of this would help. I don't know if it has. I have to check in for my flight soon. I don't want to.
I am so. Blessed. To be going to school. to be going to Oxford. All of it. I should be excited. I should be willing to work hard, to make use of this opportunity to the best of my ability, to at least seriously commit after everyone else has given me so much. But right now I'm not.
All I've done over break is play video games. I don't know why I expected differently. I had aspirations of going to the gym and working out and stuff. I did that once. I ate SO MUCH FOOD while I was here too. I'm gonna get back to the pitch and be even worse than I was when I started.
This whole break I've also been completely ignoring school. I have people to email and work to do and things to figure out and think on, but instead I've just acted as if while I was in the states, Oxford didn't exist.
Well i've said all I can think of for now. I'm really sad to leave, I'm really dreading the travel, and I'm really scared to return to school. I feel like crying. But I don't want to cry. I want to go back strong. I just don't know that I can.
Thanks.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
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