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So, once again, it's been a while. I wanted to be all organized about this. I wanted to be organized and make separate posts all in order and I wanted to share stories before I forgot them because honestly at this point I forget that you guys DON'T know all the stories. Some I have shared with some of you or with others, but yeah. I've taken long enough that my trip is starting to feel like something that happened a while ago, that everyone has come to terms with.

In all honesty I'm not sure I'm going to talk about my trip in this post. Because it is time once again for Rissa to make one of those ramble-y depressed posts that this blog is so full of. Thanks for bearing with.

Let me start with the preface that I'm not feeling super good this morning. I am more tired than I ought to be, my insides are unhappy with me over my recent diet, and on the whole... blech. You know?

I have been trying for that last two weeks to convince myself to do work. My essays need work. They need re-writing. I need to figure out what in God's good green earth I mean to SAY in them. I have some time, but if I keep going at this rate it won't matter.

I need to get these essays into a passable state. That's all I'm going for now. Passable. All of you who knew me at JBU, you didn't think I'd ever been one relying on the old joke: "Ds make Degrees", did you? Well I am. And you know what? They do.

It's probably breaking my own confidentiality to discuss my marks. But let's just say I'm officially out of the running for an distinction, and it feels like an actual act of grace that allowed me to not need to re-submit both of the essays I turned in last term. I didn't think the essays were that good but honestly I felt they were at least a little better than the bare minimum. It's not an encouraging thought.

Honestly? It... kind of makes me want to give up. I mean yes, I passed. I can still graduate. But it makes me really worry that these next essays, or the essays after that, WONT pass. And at this point? If I have to re-submit any of my 6 essays? I would very very seriously consider giving up. Leaving. Going home. I told myself I wouldn't go home without a degree, and I do not intend to. But... God help me.

So yeah. I have... lost all motivation again. All of it. for... everything. I don't want to do anything. I don't necessarily want to do nothing, that feels bad too, but I also don't want to do anything. Luckily, and by the grace of God, I still feel motivated to go to church. That is still important in a way not many things are to me right now. But even that I wonder if it's more important for me to see my friends there than the spiritual side is. Well, who can say?

I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog about that. Like... I've had a theological education. Y'all know that, a lot of you were parts of that. I haven't ever had a super spiritual life, but it's always been there right? These days it's felt like... one like I've forgotten all of it. Like all of it, if it's in my head, is locked away somewhere. And two, like what I can access is just facts. I can sound REALLY DANG SMART about theological things. I can even talk about Greek. But.... It's not my life, you know? It never has been. I don't know what it would look like for that to be my life. Right now I'm hoping that what it looks like is a tired old "let's get own with it" attitude which insists to itself that God has a plan. I've stopped trying to gain insight into this plan. I've stopped trying to see the big picture. And I think that's really bad for me.

just processing out loud there, you know me. Just... yeah. Pray for me. Thanks. Just to say this has nothing to do with my trip - when I am feeling a bit better I promise to tell y'all about that. This has everything to do with me being back at Uni again.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is games. So here's the thing. I spend an inordinate amount of time playing video games. Often at times when I shouldn't be. I realize this. I also realize that allowing this is making me pass up moments that I could turn around and could prove helpful, you know? I've been wondering if this has gotten to the point of being a harmful addiction. Maybe it has. But it's like this.... Sometimes I feel like I play video games as if it is my job. As if it's the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is finishing this play through of Rise of the Tomb Raider, or leveling up in Overwatch. And the reason for that is that these days it is the only thing that captures my interest, the only thing I have any motivation to do. I still CARE about games, in a time when I feel like I lost the ability to care about anything.

That sounds so pathetic. Sounds like this is all I have left. Rest assure I do other things. I've been walking a lot, just to walk around. I have been doing at least SOME work on my essays, though not nearly enough.

I am not well read enough to be in Oxford, and I do not like reading enough. I love the IDEA of reading, sure, and I have read some great stuff, but I somehow don't actually enjoy reading for the sake of it, no matter how convinced I used to be that I did, and no matter how laudable I find such pleasure. I wish I did enjoy it. I know a lot of people who do. But I... don't. I am lazy. SO lazy. I want nothing more than to finish these essays with the minimum reading possible, even though even saying that out loud, it seems like a vile attitude.

I just really wish I cared about this stuff. I did. I want to. What happened? WHY do I not care? HOW do I not care?

It's like my very personality has been changed. I know some of y'all love Myers-Briggs stuff. Mine is INTP. But every time I read descriptions of that these days it's like "screw that guy, all that about intelligence, it's almost a joke". It's like my values have changed. Like I've used up all the intelleigence, all the philosophy I've got - I've reached my quota, it's time for something else now. But it's not as if I'm prepared for anything else.

I feel empty. I feel full of fog. I feel tired. I feel like I just can't. Something in my head is telling me that this is the time in which people meet God. But even that, based on what I know of me and my life so far? Feels like I could never do it in anything more than a passing manor, which I forget by the next morning. I need the Lord to just take hold of me, insist on being in my mind, not allow me to go or be distracted. I don't know how.

Uhg, why am I sharing all of this? It will only make you worry. This is the party where I, truthfully, assure you that I'm not always like this. That I've actually had a pretty good week, have had some good times, have had fun, talked with friends, the lot. Even made some progress in my work, though little. I don't mean you to worry. I just have to get this stuff out there. It helps - a lot - to say it.

I wish I had determination. Passion. Drive. I wish I had a goal. I want to be like Lara Croft - driven, capable, willing to push herself. But I'm not any of those things. I'm not even interested any more, which used to be pretty chief for me.

I feel like I need to take a nap. Which probably means I should do the exact opposite and take a walk or something.

How many days, how often, can I keep allowing myself to take days off of work before I run out of days?

I have not been often hesitant about posting things, but I really don't know if I even want to know the reaction to this. I'm sure I've made you sad, made you worried, made you concerned. I'm sorry. Please remember what I said in a previous post: For you, reading all of this, this might be news to you, the first time hearing, you might feel the need to respond or react as if you can cut this off at the start and help. But for me, writing all of this down is one of the final stages after letting it stew in my mind for a while now. If I have reached the point of writing this down and posting it, I have reached a point where I have done all the talking about it that I want to do for a while, and will probably be irrationally begrudging if you want to talk about it. I am sorry for this too. Thank you for wanting to help. I probably need it. I ask your patience with me.

Thanks again for continuing to read this blog, even if I never update and when I do it's this mess. Again.

Have I ever mentioned how terribly hard it is to say any of this in person? Somehow by the time I get to a counselor's office and try to say all this again, my problems seem so small and not-really-that-bad that I barely know why I bothered the counseling office in the first place. It feels silly. I don't know what to say. And it helps for a little bit but never for long. Partly because I'm often to lazy to really work hard on changing anyway.

Ok. Well. I'm actually starting to feel a little bit better now even just having typed this all up. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna take a walk. I know a lot of you are just waking up. Good morning. Sorry if I've made it a not-so-great morning. Sorry if I'm worrying you.

Gonna go catch some Pokemon take a walk.

Thanks
R

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.