Colette and the Wonder Women

A few days ago I went to the dollar theater to watch Colette. I haven't yet spoken to a single other person who has watched it. I remember seeing commercials for it and wanting to see it, but I totally missed it coming out, and honestly I went because it was the very last day that even the second-chance theater was showing it! And I'm so glad I did.

A lot of what I liked so much was just the way the film made me feel Hardly objective, and it might have to do with a bit of context. It's been a long time since I've seen a film in theaters - or I should say, it's been a long time since I've gone by myself to see a film and didn't just tag along with friends who were going anyway. There's nothing wrong with going with friends or with the films we saw, but I don't know. I feel like I myself am still working to remind myself that I am an independent person, and doing things for myself by myself without needing permission of some kind is still important to me. It was something I did a lot in Oxford and almost never since. And on top of that, all my family is together for the holiday. Which is super exciting and very nice. But no matter who company is, you know the feeling where you feel obliged to spend all time with them - even if it's doing nothing. The morning of I was thinking of going and thinking "oh but they won't want to go on such late notice" and something about the realization of "you can go anyway it's fine" was just... really nice. Because it's my day off too.

Anyway. Basically I enjoy going to the movies by myself and I forgot about that.

But I haven't said anything about Colette. My first thought when the film started was: Wow I don't know how long it's been since I've seen a period piece in the theaters! It's been a long time since I've seen anything other than Superhero and fantasy films. Nothing wrong with those of course but this was nice. It would be very hypocritical of me to ever call superhero films "not art" but Colette was a different kind of art. A work with very different intentions, and I enjoyed it.

Colette reminded me a lot of another film I've been meaning to write about for some time; Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. In fact they remind me so much of one another, I might as well just combine the two posts into one! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up.

I want to start with some comments about the films similarities. But before I go any further, I need to give yet another disclaimer, for both films: I don't know who all reads this blog. But I can tell you right now that not all of you will enjoy these two films or approve of them. In fact some of you might judge me for watching and enjoying them. These films are both rated a strong R for sexuality, and feature several sex scenes. Both of these films also include romantic and sexual scenes between non-heterosexual couples, and are stories supporting lgbt+ relationships and characters of various types. If you don't want to watch a film like that, don't watch these two. And if you don't want to hear about them, then I guess don't read this post. If you wanna chat with me about it, feel free, but I just wanted to say this up front so you're not surprised later.

Cool so Colette and Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. I'm going to talk about both of these separately, but they do actually have a lot in common. Mainly, both of these films are based on true stories. And you can tell. One of the most interesting things to me about both of these films is the way they choose to tell the stories already written in history. As Willy himself said to Colette (in the film at least) - the hand that holds the pen (or camera) writes history.

Neither Colette nor Prof. Marston attempt to tell the entire story. Both of them start in the middle and end in the middle of people's lives. And both of them move at a pace where many years are covered in their around-two-hours of film. A large amount of time passes between scenes. And because of this, they seem very open about their biased nature. By not showing every detail, by explicitly asking the audience to assume and imagine that other events occur, and to focus on what it shown, the films seem to me extremely upfront in saying that this is not the whole story. This is the story we want to tell. And I think the pace really works. Also, one thing I really liked: both films start with a marriage/already married couple, instead of ending with one. These aren't traditional romances. They're stories about people being people and figuring out what that means together.

Ok I can't do these generalities anymore. Let's go back to talking about just Colette. Colette is unlike any other period piece I've ever seen. Is it a romance? Is it, in a Shakespearean sense, a comedy? I don't know. Maybe? The central relationship of the film is between Colette and her husband Willy - but as I said, this is not some great Elizabeth/Darcy duo who fall in love and marry at the end of the film. Their marriage occurs between, if I recall, the third and fourth scene of the film. Or thereabouts. The wedding isn't actually shown. First they are engaged, and then he is introducing her as his wife. This film isn't about falling in love. This is about what happens after, about marriage. In fact - spoilers: This film ends in a divorce. Or rather it ends with a separation, which after the film ends in a divorce. But it's not a tragedy either.

In fact the most remarkable thing about Colette may be it's tone. For a story about a woman who was so often refused and used, whose relationships fell apart and who was denied her due and had to work very hard, Colette is a remarkably happy and inspiring film. And I think that says a lot about it's main character. This is a film about waking up to the possibilities of life and embracing them. It's a film about learning from your past and about figuring out what it is you want and can do. It's about sacrifice and trying hard and helping others, but also about discovering oneself. And while I'm sure that the real Colette's life wasn't always as uplifting, it was very refreshing to find a film with such content and such a tone. No one dies in the end. And for a film like this, that says a lot.

It would be extremely difficult to do a full run down of the plot so I'm going to just sum up the different running stories. Spoilers abound for the rest of this paragraph and the next so skip if necessary. The setting is this: Colette (which is actually her maiden name and pen name. First name Gabrielle.) is a country girl who is genuinely in love with a man known as Willy (pen name) from the Big City in Paris. Willy's business is as an author of reviews and short stories - but most of his "writing" is actually done by ghost writers, who (he contests) could only publish under his name since he's letting them use his reputation. The main plot is how, because of financial struggles, Willy pushes his wife Colette to write a book and then a series of books, which become the best selling novel series in France. They are all published under Willy's name as if he wrote them - despite being nearly autobigraphical and written almost entirely by Colette. He pushes her to write more, which makes her a better writer, sure, but doesn't help their marriage at all. They are in and out of financial trouble - most of which is hidden from his wife until it is too late. In the end, Willy, without Colette's consent or knowledge, sells the copyright for her series, and at that she leaves him for good, and embraces her up and coming career as an actress and pantomime (another thing which he initially told her she wouldn't be able to do.)

(cont. spoilers) The second plot that weaves in and out of all of this is Colette and Willy's sexual escapades. When they are relatively newly married, Colette almost leaves Willy after she finds him sleeping with another woman. However what really matters to her is not that he is sleeping with someone else, it's that he didn't tell her about it, and lied and hid the truth. What matters to Colette is consent. Later in the film in fact Willy becomes involved with another woman, and this time Colette knows all about it, and is unbothered, because this time she had the opportunity to give her consent. And this consent is probably easier for her to give because she has a partner of her own. Colette has two extramarital sexual partners throughout the film, and unlike her husband, she never attempts to hide any of them, and in fact explicitly asks Willy before perusing the first. However unlike Colette, what actually matters to Willy is, unfortunately, whether or not his wife's extramarital partners are women. This becomes complex because while Colette's first partner is a woman, the person she ends the film with - Missy - is first introduced as a women who wears men's clothing - and in facts inspires Colette to try the same - but by the end of the film, is referred to with masculine pronouns. Missy was of course a historical character, and as is oft the case, it is hard to tell what terminology to use. Was Missy a woman who enjoyed dressing as a man, or was Missy a trans man, but society refused to remember him that way? For the real Missy, who can say, but for the Missy of the film Colette, I'd go with the latter, but definitely see it as a process. In ANY case, Colette and Missy's relationship is a lot about how they inspire and support each other, always encouraging the other to try and do more. This is in contrast to Colette's relationship with Willy, who encourages her to do more only if it will make them money, and discourages almost everything else Colette does to realize herself - such as dressing in trousers, and learning to act and dance and pantomime.

The overpowering theme of these two plots is very interesting. Colette faces very little oppression from the outside world in the film - there is a part where Missy faces some for being himself, and Colette shares in it, but very little against her directly. Her husband Willy constantly tells her that she would face oppression or be unable to make it on her own - that books would never sell under her name, that people would attack her in the street if she goes about wearing men's trousers, etc. But all of the oppression actually comes from him. In both business and sex, Willy insists that "that's just what men DO!" and such, and also hides things from Colette. Willy believes, somehow, both that men ought to be the higher class and the only ones who operate in and are catered to in the world of business and the world of literature, and ALSO that men are naturally driven by their baser desires and do not have the strength to resist (unlike women), and so should be excused for their actions. Willy is catered to again and again by Colette, and forgiven by him, until finally he takes it too far. But one of the REALLY interesting things is how despite all this I don't feel like Willy is painted as a villain - most of the time you genuinely believe that Colette loves him and you want their marriage to work out somehow. Until it becomes clear that while she has matured, he is in the same place he started. And it's not a good place for her.

Colette is very interesting to me for many reasons. But chiefly I think because it managed to tell such a story of scandal and toxicity, but tell it in such an uplifting and beautiful way, and without a villain. The gorgeous costuming, camera work, sets, scenery, actors, and music do help of course. But the tone and message too. It's individualistic, sure it is, and if I wanted to critique it morally I could. But it was very well done.

That was a LOT on Colette and now I'm going to do ANOTHER film? Yes, yes I am, so hold on to your socks.

I can't believe I haven't done a post on Professor Marston and the Wonder Women yet. I watched this film some time ago, over the summer I think. It's not a new film, but one I heard very little of when it was (around the same time as Wonder Woman, I think). It is, again, about an author and his wife, and they do, again, have a rather non-traditional marriage. It is, again, a true story but told with an extreme and open bias. And I like it very much.

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women has two distinct goals, and they are very obvious. The first goal is not to recount the entire story of William Marston, but instead to recount just the parts of his life which helped create his most famous legacy: Wonder Woman. Every aspect of classic Wonder Woman has a reference point in Marston's life in this film. From her outfit to the villains to the invisible jet, but much more importantly, the message of conquering through love, and the Golden Perfect (Lasso of Truth). I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about Classic Wonder Woman - I know the Rebirth series and Gal Gadot's WW more than anything else. But it's a very interesting storyline, because it shows Wonder Woman as a natural extension of Marston's firmly held philosophical/psychological beliefs and teachings - That true happiness can only be attained through willing submission to a loving authority. Which is something I could write a whole post on, and kind of already have (see the WW Rebirth post). It also ties in Marston's other greatest invention - the first mechanical lie detector. Which of course ties in to the Lasso of Truth in it's way. All of this is one of the goals of the film.

The other center of the film - the primary plot in fact - is the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Marston and their partner, Olive. The film begins with William and Elizabeth Marston already married, and it is all about how they meet Olive and how their relationship grows, and crumbles, and grows again. There haven't been many films (that I am away of) explicitly about polyamorus relationships, and this one really makes a point that they WANT the audience to support this relationship. They focus on the consent and the love involved on all sides. And one of the reasons I find it rather compelling is actually just that: Not enough romances of any kind focus on the consent and love involved AFTER marriage. Colette does a bit, but Willy is hardly a hero in Colette, where William, Elizabeth, and Olive are all the heroes of this tale. Do they agree on everything? of course not. Do they know what they are doing? does anyone? But they are all the heroes of the story.

Again, what's interesting in this film to me is how you can see the intentions behind it - how there was an established story to be told, and it is very clear that this is not the entire story by a long shot. And also the tone. In Colette it is about finding freedom. In Prof. Marston is it, in a sense, about surrendering that freedom - submission to loving authority. Which sounds horrid, but is not. Although Marston's story doesn't have quite as uplifting an end (simply because it follows him closer to the end of his life than Colette followed her) and it has a lot more darkness in it, both were clearly made with a lot of love. And both have very strong expectations of their audience, which I think is something else I liked. These films are sincere and they hold their audience to a high standard. They trust you to understand, but that doesn't make them confusing. And they trust their sincerity too.

Ok. I think that's all I've got for now. Thank you for reading if you did. And I'm sorry this one is so poorly organized (as if the others are better!). Finally, again, I know that not everyone who reads my blog will approve of the content of these two films, and might feel like I ought to object too. And of course there are aspects of these films I could discuss morals on. But that doesn't make them bad films. I find them very interesting and simply gorgeous.

If you've watched either of these, I'd love to hear what you thought!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R

Bare Minimum

I feel like there are several things holding me back from working on PhD applications. But perhaps the worst is that I have what seems to be a complete inability to imagine myself in 4+ years time. It's not that I think I'll be dead, just that I can't imagine this story continuing on that long.

I feel like this is a reoccurring feeling for me. I keep waiting for the ride to end so I can get off. Every job I've had, every responsibility, every move. I always feel like it's temporary. And not in a bad way. But perhaps in a paralyzing one.

Every week somehow feels like it ought to be the last week I have to do x, y, or z. As if I could work for one more day and then, having done my time, be free of it. And honestly, sometimes I feel this way about my life in general.

I think it's a coping mechanism. You know that old saying like, "you can do anything for ten seconds" - the strategy of breaking tasks into smaller pieces, of breaking time into more tolerable bits. I once had a co-worker who often referred to his hours left on the schedule that day in terms of 15 min intervals. "Just six more 15s" he'd say when he had an hour and a half left on his feet working for the store. I feel like my mind had subconsciously done that for my whole entire life - except I don't know how many "15s" are left, and I just keep pretending like maybe the next one will be the last one.

Not in any sort of panicky way. Not like the way people mean when they say "if today was your last day on earth what would you do?" - it's not that kind of worry. It's in the same way that we break up difficult tasks, not good moments.

I think my mind is under the impression that I don't need to worry or plan for years in the future, because there's no chance that I'll make it that long. Or rather, there's no chance that I will be asked to make it that long. As if any second now God is going to show up and say "ok, that's a wrap. you made it! You never have to do that again."

I'm not really talking about death. It's hard to explain the difference. I suppose when you believe in the afterlife there's not a whole lot of difference between being alive and dead. And what difference there is seems to be in favor of the dead.

I think I've mentioned on this blog before - or if I haven't let me do so now - about the fact that while I have never been suicidal or anything near it, I have in the past thought it prudent to marshal my arguments in case I ever need them. And my greatest argument against such action is basically that it would be an act of mistrust - mistrust that the God who put me here doesn't have a good reason, and can't fix things for me. But just because I haven't ever taken an extreme act of mistrust doesn't mean I've exactly been acting IN trust either.

I don't think, deep down, that I DO believe all that. That there is a plan and it will get better. I wish that I did. I tell myself to. And hopefully, I am learning to believe it. It's like. I do believe that it is correct. But that acknowledgement of fact doesn't MEAN anything in my life right now. And I've been operating on the very bare minimum of trust so far.

This all came about because I tried, again, to research PhD universities, and started reading some of their course descriptions/requirements, and I keep getting slapped in the face by how difficult a PhD would be. And how long.

But then, when I look at my next best alternative right now - the teacher training course I've started, towards the end of becoming certified - the more I do it the more I remember that I don't actually WANT to do this either.

I feel like I'm not cut out for this life. But I cannot fathom a life I am cut out for. I know that I need to change. I want to change. But I also cannot fathom me changing, nor do I honestly believe that I have the ability to.

When I was at my lowest in Oxford, every told me basically "if you hate it that much, just stop and come home." and I told them no. I HAVE to finish what I started. And at the time, I used the reasoning that my parents had already paid a lot of money, so I had to finish the course. But in reality I think I had another need to finish what I started. Maybe I knew that if I gave up on Oxford, I would end up giving up on everything else too - and I don't mean give up on other specific things, I mean life in general.

At Oxford I felt like "all I have to do is hold out until the end, and then it will be over." And I feel like I'm still telling myself that, except that I don't know where the end is, or even if there is one. And instead of waiting for it, if I want there to be an end - a change, I should say, I'm not talking about death here - then I need to go chase it myself. But it's awfully hard to chase something you can neither see nor imagine.

My life philosophy at this point has become "Don't fix what isn't broken" - which, taken in the direction I've taken it, is another way of saying "do the bare minimum". Do what works and nothing more. But that's no way to live life. Except that it IS the way to live life if all you're concerned about is being able to say that you survived another day - that you've held up your end of the bargain, that you're going to hold out until it's over.

I don't know what I need right now. Do I need a different job? Or do I need stronger commitment to the one I have, including the certification training? I didn't realize that my Depression was running so strongly in the background these days. But it's questions like this that reveal just how much of that joy-sucking apathy is plaguing me.

Maybe I'll just keep repeating to myself that there IS a plan, and it IS going to get better. As if by saying it enough I could make my heart and sol believe what my mind assents to. And believe it of myself. But I really wish someone could give be even a tiny hint of what that plan might look like. Or how much of it is my responsibility to set up. That's a terrifying thought. I'm sure it's almost all on me, but the thought of it being even a little on me is enough to terribly scared and depress me on its own.

I bet you weren't expecting all this when you clicked that blog link huh? Well than you for reading all this way through. This is one of those posts significantly more for me than for anyone else. Unfortunately, the more people give me suggestions on ways to change, the more stupidly combative I tend to become. I wish I could change that too. I'm just already convinced that I won't change. So I can't. And I don't know how to change that either.

Thanks again for reading. Sorry about all this. You really didn't have to.

R

Oxford Again

I had thought about posting once every day on this trip. I really had. But alas what is past is past. 

So far this trip has been several things. Exhausting. Energizing. Interesting. Surreal. 

Being in Oxford again has such an interesting feeling. It feels normal. As if I never left. As if the last year of my life was somehow less real than all of this. But at the same time, without my studies, and with tying to fit much into few days, it doesn’t feel like it did. It’s like I cannot remember what those two years were like at all, and also like I am back in them, all at once.

What’s been really wonderful about this trip has of course been the people. I had forgotten, it seems, what a difference it makes to have friends nearby. Real friends, and not on skype I mean. Friends where I don’t need any excuse to see them. Where we can talk about everything and anything all in one afternoon. I’ve missed the pubs and the parks far more than the museums and libraries - although I miss those too - because they contain these people. I miss evenings at Chequers, board game nights,  and long walks through parks or countryside. And thanks to my wonderful friends - friends willing to drive/ride for hours to come into town - I’ve had all of those and more these past few days.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to take home with me. Not physically, I mean. But take back to the mundane, suburban, oppressively hot and rather... well isolated is the wrong word. Stuck. The stuck place I’m at back home. 

I don’t really want to go home. It didn’t take me long to realize that of course and I knew I would feel this. Feel it as I walk to streets and when I sit here in Port Meadow and let the wind blow me. But I’m going back anyway. Back to work and back to school. Back to I don’t know what I’m really doing. Back to I don’t really have a good reason to leave the house, or anyone to leave it for. And I don’t think I can change all of that overnight.

I want to get better. I want to have this again. Maybe not even here. Although I would love it here. But can’t I have two of these? Even in some small regard? I don’t know.

I don’t want to make any brave proclamations of change. I know that this is a high which will be followed by a low. But I don’t want to leave this place empty handed. 

I’m not of course. I’m leaving with countless amazing and great experiences, some of which I never thought I would have a chance to have, most of them due to my terrific friend Lizzy. But I hope that this time, at least some of those experiences stick.

Thanks for reading. I’ll try to post at least once or twice more during this trip. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above he heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen. 

R

On My Way

Perhaps I’ll get the hang of this travel blog thing yet. 

This post is going to be a bit different. Because it’s going to be about something very very good!!

When I left Oxford over a year ago, I had not actually graduated from the University. I had earned a degree, but it had not actually been conferred. Oxford puts a lot of sock in their traditions, you see. At the time - mid July if I recall - the only ceremony which my college was scheduled for was in mid September. And I couldn’t afford to stick around that log. I needed to move back to the States, where I had clearance to be employed, and where rent was significantly less - in my case nil, as my parents have been generous enough to let me move back in with them. 

In any case, I said then that I would prefer not to graduate in absentia - meaning they hold a ceremony without you and mail you your papers. So I delayed it, saying I’d be back in a year and a few months. It would give me the excuse to travel again and see friends. And, well, it finally has. 

I’m writing the opening of what will hopefully be a long post on the flight east. It’s a 7-8h flight which is shorter than I’m used to as I’m taking a different layover and a different airline than normal. You see, when you don’t need to check a bag, it turns out it’s significantly cheaper if you take a layover in Iceland. And hey. It means I get to see Iceland!!

Last night and this morning I was a bundle of nerves. The kind that keep you up at night and upset your stomach. I’m honestly not used to feeling that way about trips. But it’s been a while. It turns out that, so far at least, I had nothing whatsoever to worry about. And have only and exclusively been made more and more aware of God’s blessings on this trip.

I’ve been planning this for months. My summer job gave me a lot of time waiting around for a phone to ring with access to a computer. And honestly if I had my eyes open at all I could have seen the blessings in all that. I found very affordable air fare that is giving me some amazing opportunities (more on that later) and everything is working out. 

I had a bit of a scare last night, as when I checked in, the wrong name was put on my boarding pass. An error, I believe, in the passage of information from Priceline to Icelandair, resulting in a typo that causes me some stress, and $30 to fix. I also stressed a LOT over packing. Challenging myself to really under pack for this trip as I always over pack. But I have to bring my sub fusc (formal attire for the graduation ceremony) and that takes a lot of space and weight. But so far that’s worked out too, as the airline gave me no trouble for my bag. 

Even the little things have worked out. When o originally checked in I was given a middle seat on the plane (as in between two people) but when I re-checked in after correcting my name, I was given the option - previously unavailable but mysteriously now allowed - to switch one seat to the right and sit by a window (does this mean the seat next to me will be empty? Perhaps. We’ll see). But I’ve had even MORE amazing fortune in the seating department. 

When boarding, I came to my row (mine was the isle seat) and found the lady who had booked the window seat asking to switch - I don’t know the reason, maybe she was claustrophobic and wanted an aisle too. But not switch with me, switch rows. The flight attendants helped her and that means there would only be two passengers. The guy who had booked the middle seat asked if I minded switching with him just for take off - saying that once we were at altitude he wanted to try and switch to a different aisle seat too, giving me mine back. But before we even took off it became clear that the aisle seat right across the aisle from us had not been claimed. Which means that I’ve ended up on a 7h flight with an entire 3 seat row to myself. Miracles, right?

I also, because I’m so used to just listening to podcasts, kind of forgot that you can watch good films on airplanes. Finally got to watch Isle of Dogs. It’s good. As I write this I’m watching the last minute or so of a sunset over what I believe to be Lake Superior. Don’t know that I’ve ever seen that lake before. But I guess now I have. I forgot how much I love traveling. 

My first stop on this trip is, as I’ve said, Iceland! I have a 10h layover. Which is an interesting amount of time. I’m leaving the airport and going to try to get breakfast at this museum nearby. Then I’ll decide whether I want to try going elsewhere or just back to the airport early. Probably the later tbh. Then I fly to London, to catch the bus to Oxford, for not the first and hopefully not the last time. 

I cannot say how excited I am to be back in this city and win these people. The amount of friends I’ve had that are willing to take off work and even to cross the country to come into town this weekend has been truly humbling. Most of my plans have just been to be in my favorite spaces - the parks, the pubs, and the libraries (I still have a readers card, but can’t check books out) but my friends have been great in arranging other trips too! Especially the friend I am staying with, whose love of theater and experience with London theaters is to my extreme benefit, as she has landed us tickets to not one but two shows which I have very much wanted to see; Harry Potter and Hamilton! I know right?!? Lizzy you’re amazing.

I am a little bit sad that because of the way timing has worked out, I will likely be unable to attend either Sunday or Tuesday night services at the church and chapel I used to. I’ve got a lot of great memories with those places and people and services, so it’s a real shame. But the people and places are still there and I am excited to share with them again. And, I think, return to thank them for helping to put me on the path I am on, and introducing me to the Anglican tradition. 

After my time in Oxford I’ll fly home, but not before I stop in Iceland again. This time, overnight. I’ve planned a very ambitious day. For the first time in my life I will be renting a car, and driving myself first to my hostel, and then the following day on a 5-8-ish hour road trip around Iceland’s “golden circle”! I think I spent more time planning those 26 hours than I did the entire rest of the trip! 

I know that this is probably another occasion of me letting myself be blown by the whims of fate. I’ve noticed more and more how fragile my mental state is. How quickly bad weather - figuratively or quite literally - can throw me into deeper depression. And it’s been a while since fortune as it were has blown so strongly in my favor. But even if I am being blown around I want to seize this opportunity. To perhaps regain some ground and some perspective. 

Even the process of packing - or rather of going through Sony things to find a few items I wanted to pack - worked to open my eyes. Going through old papers it felt like I had forgotten my life in Oxford, and forgotten how entirely blessed I have been. Being back in all of this feels like a real wind beneath my wings. And I’ve no clue if it’s all going to come crashing back down when I go back to working as a substitute teacher September 24th. But here’s to hoping I guess.

My prayer for this trip is to have open eyes to see and know and remember how God has blessed me. And for it not to fall through my fingers like sand on the way home. I would appreciate any prayers on my behalf towards that end as well. Thank you very much for reading, and to all of my Oxford friends who are helping make this trip great. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above the heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen. 

Rissa

Overqualified and Undereducated

Wow that could be a nice blog title right there huh. If that blog isn't already on the internet, then dibs.

This isn't going to be a review type post, if you couldn't tell, but more like the ones I wrote back at Oxford. I need a space to think, and to process.

I've been thinking recently a lot about what I want to do. Both in the long run and next steps. And I still am so unsure. Right now I'm a substitute teacher. And I've been accepted to an alternative certification program, to pursue a Texas teaching certificate. In order to get it I would need to pass some exams - that's the easy part - and work as a full time high school teacher for a solid year. I've had the papers to begin training towards this for almost a week now. I still haven't signed them.

When I left JBU the goal was to get a Masters so I could get a PhD, and to then get a PhD so that I could teach at the undergraduate level. But then, having finished step one, I felt and still feel completely unprepared to move on to step two. In order to do so I would need a research proposal, and I would need funding. And that's not even answering the question of if I could actually DO the work or writing a doctoral thesis. On top of all this hangs the prevailing question: Do I even really want to teach undergraduates?

I've been working at a freshman campus of a high school for some time now. And I know that freshmen and seniors - much less freshmen in HS and freshmen in college, or even juniors in college - are extremely different. And maybe I can attribute this to my own lack of experience in public school. But I just don't know if I can teach high school. I don't know if I can deal with the students there. As a sub it's one thing but as a teacher it would be another. I would, I think, become very discouraged by them. But right now it feels like the only job I have a shot at really getting. And I'm going to need a job that can offer me benefits, and soon.

Every thing else I look at, when I try to research how to get involved in other fields outside of teaching, seem to involve me needing MORE education. Returning to college. And I don't know that I can do THAT either. financially or otherwise. I've spent years of my life studying. I have two degrees. And I feel like I know nothing. I know how to DO nothing at all.

Recently I've been really wishing that I had the equipment and know-how to make stuff with my hands. Anything, really, but especially the type of stuff craftsmen make. I wish I could be a carpenter, or a blacksmith, or something. But for starters, you need a lot of equipment for that I am not about to pay for, and also I have literally no idea how to do anything, and have never ever tried.

Sometimes I wish I could give up all that I've done and go be an apprentice to some craftsman in some small town, who would hire me without bothering with the fact that I'd never done anything before, and would pay me a living wage to learn from them.

Every once in a while, I'm still swept with an idea in philosophy. I think "maybe THAT's something I could do a thesis on." but they never stick. and even if they do, I can't get them to stick to paper. I have no idea what I'm doing. And no idea what a research proposal would even look like.

I feel like I will never find work which I find fulfilling. And that I can't do anything, for lack of knowledge, skill, tools, and primarily, dedication.

I finally decided to talk to a therapist the other day. I've met with her twice now. I was supposed to go a third time, but I forgot, and missed the meeting. I'm sure it's a thing that you're not actually supposed to look at what it is the doctor is writing down in their notes. Not supposed to see your file. And luckily I'm not very good at reading handwriting, especially upside down. But I couldn't help but notice at one point during our first session, my counselor writing the word LOST and circling it. And she's not wrong.

Every once in a while I spend an afternoon and evening feeling very stgonly that I ought to DO something. Something more than sitting upstairs and playing videogames until it's time to go to bed. I get tired even of my text and skype based conversations with my friends. People - including my new therapist - have given me endless suggestions for things I could do with my time. They all seem to bounce right off, unfortunately. It's like in my head I've already decided that I'm *NOT* going to do anything. So I don't. Even if I want to. I know I won't so I don't. If that makes sense. It feels like I can't talk about this to anyone too, because all they want to do of course is help. Help by making suggestions of things that I should do. Suggestions it seems inevitably will not be tested or followed through.

it feels like something in me broke at grad school. or when i left jbu. it feels like somehting was taken. I don't want to think anymore. But I've never trained any part of myself besides my brain. I've never trained by body. I've never trained my hands. I haven't really trained my heart all that much.

Why do I want to get a certificate anyway? How would I even go about finding other options? Why do I feel like the idea that people would hire me if I went to Oxford was such a lie? It's just like when I was a kid. The only things I'm good at are things I don't care about. And it feels too late to change.

I am so privileged in my life right now. So blessed. So why do I feel so powerless? So useless? so hopeless?

I've told myself that I shouldn't feel ashamed for not even trying to look for a way to move out of my parent's house. But I don't think I've ever believed it.

Sorry to be such a bummer. Thanks for reading. Hopefully next week I'll be back with something better to discuss. I've got several topics lined up.

Again, thank you for bearing with.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R

Beyond Two Souls

When you have to be talked down from starting your third playthrough of a videogame in a two week period (thanks Nat), it's time to write a blog post.

Beyond: Two Souls is another of those games that I've been wanting to play for a LONG TIME. Everyone told me it had a moving story, a great female main character, interesting mechanics, great visuals - and they were all right. But I ended up liking this game even more than I thought I would!

I honestly haven't played a ton of games in the style that Telltale has since come to dominate - games that are somehow both very linear and also heavily invested in the choices made by the player. But of those I've played, this one is probably the strongest - even if its choices arguably have less meaning than some other games (aka the different chapters don't effect one another as much as some games). It's the one where I really bought in to the world and emotions of the characters the most, and the one where I felt the most like all choices really were valid.

Beyond Two Souls didn't have one special moment that blew me away. And it doesn't really even have a central theme I found inspiring. I just really love playing it, and it is an example of an extremely well designed game. (even if the controls themselves - esp as I'm playing the PS4 version - can be frustrating). It's also an extremely ambitious (the amount of character models alone!) and surprisingly well executed game.

It's rather rare for me to play a game with multiple, at times moral choices, and feel at all comfortable going either way. Normally I feel terrible going either way, or I feel rather confident that there is one right choice to be made. But Beyond Two Souls gives its characters the real believable complexity required to normally justify all options. Is there a Jodie and an Aiden who act out in anger a lot, leaving broken windows and dead bodies behind them? Yes. Is there a calmer, non-violent Jodie and Aiden who follow rules and don't hate their life? Also yes. And what's even better is that this is in no way a bianary choice the player makes. There isn't a Paragon and a Renegade Jodie and Aiden.

Another thing that's remarkable is that the same feel true of the not-intentionally chosen routes. The route where Jodie is an expert martial artist who never fails a block, punch, or dodge feels just as right as the one where Jodie gets much more beat up and has to try much harder to physically defend herself - because the player is bad at quick time events (can you tell I'm bad at the combat in this game?) Quantic Dream have created a world where all of the possibilities really do feel possible, and that is quite a feat in my mind.

I've been trying to pin down what it is I love about this game, and it's been hard. It's very pretty, for one thing. The acting and all of the visual art and audio work is terrific. Ellen Page did a really fantastic job, and I love the freedom they gave her to do the emotional work she does. I also LOVE the design of Jodie, both character-wise and visually. The story is compelling, and extremely varied, all despite it's non-chronological order (which is the correct way. fight me). And Jodie and Aiden are super interesting. I enjoyed being Jodie, and being with her, and the same for Aiden. I mentioned in my Uncharted post that I enjoy being Lara Croft and enjoy hanging out with Nathan Drake? I enjoy both for Jodie and for Aiden. Even when I'm disagreeing with them.

I also really respect this game for working so hard even on content that statistically not everyone or not many people see. It's obvious that a lot of work went into every part of this game, and I want to see every part of it, and I know that this has always been a part of games and has become more common as this type of storytelling has taken off, but it says a lot for a studio to invest that much without forcing you too look at everything.

As I said, I think the order things are introduced is well designed, but I also like that this game does not baby it's audience, either. It often does not tell you all of the options available to you. It just let you behave how you wish. Now, were there times it forced me to do things, or forbade them? yes of course. But I enjoyed the lack of instruction, which allowed for actual problem solving.

I was listening to a podcast recently in which someone was talking about how they loved learning the rules of a fictional world, the rules of a story (it was Griffin McElroy in Wonderful!, talking about the rules of horror films in particular). And I think that was one of the things that I really enjoyed about this game. Not only discovering the mechanics and discovering what all I had the ability to choose, plot-wise, but also discovering the rules of the story itself - how spirits work, that sort of thing. and of course finding out who Aiden is, and who Jodie is too. Discovering her past, and her relationships, and her character as it unfolds, and as I unfold it.

Another part of my fascination with this game is, undoubtedly, it's ties to other works. Specifically, how I absolutely 100% refuse to believe that the people who wrote Stranger Things have not played this game. There are 2-3 scenes in Stranger Things (seasons 1 and 2) that bear such resemblance it almost feels uncanny (specifically, the Beyond Two Souls chapters "Broken", "The Condenser" and "Norah", among others). And it's GOOD content too. Now, I'm not saying anything bad here about Stranger Things, not at all, they are both terrific. But it surprised me to find THAT much of a resemblance.

Wow, I managed to go that whole blog post without any major spoilers. Well, if it would whet your interest, I'll give a quick plot summary here (because I want to discuss this game!): <SPOILERS> Jodie is a girl who has been connected since birth to an entity names Aiden - a sort of poltergeist who is always with her and who she can talk to, even if he doesn't talk back. At the end of the game it turns out that it is the soul of her twin brother, who was stillborn. Jodie is also plagued by other spirits, invisible monsters which attack here, and are from another world, the same world as Aiden. Jodie and Aiden it turns out were the result of a government experiment, the children of two "gifted" parents. Jodie is at first raised by adoptive parents (although not told they are adoptive), and then by Drs. Dawkins and Cole, who I was super pleasantly surprised by because while they do technically monitor and run experiments with Jodie, they genuinely do care for her and want to understand and protect, not abuse her. Very good subversion of a trope there. Because she is kind of owned by the government, Jodie is later forcibly recruited by the CIA, and uses her abilities, or rather Aiden's abilities - which include seeing from afar, some control over electronics and limited telekinetic, seeing visions based on the past of an object or body she can touch, speaking to other ghosts/allowing ghosts to speak through her, some healing ability, and the ability to combat evil spirits - for their murky purposes. Until one day the CIA takes things to far, using her to take out someone who it turns out is not the warlord they called him but the democratically elected president of a war-torn state. Jodie flees the CIA and violently puts down the agents to come after her. She spends some time on the run - spending a winter under a bridge with some really wonderful homeless people, and a summer in the Navajo lands in Arizona, among other things - before returning to try and find more about her mother. She is eventually captured by the CIA and offered a deal. One more mission, and she can go free. This mission of course goes south, and then even after it's over, the CIA betray her and try to put her out of commission forever. They are interrupted however by the doctor who helped raise Jodie. He has since become rather obsessed with the idea of opening a rift between the worlds - which happens at various times in the game and is always super DUPER dangerous and bad and never good - thinking that it will allow him to see his dead wife and daughter again. in the end Jodie saves the world and is given the choice to continue living, but be separated from Aiden, or to give up living and join him in the Beyond. And if she chooses life, after spending several months alone to herself trying to process this tragedy, Jodie can choose to return to live life with some of the friends (or possibly love interests) she met along the way. </SPOILERS>

Sorry that was so long. It's a complex game. One of the things I really enjoyed about how it was told was actually the space it is given. The time. Jodie is allowed to have emotions - strong ones. I think the voice acting really brought this out. She's allowed rage, and terror, and crushing depression. She's allowed to sob and to scream and to stay silent. She's allowed indifference, and quiet, and desperation, and stillness. She is also at times allowed laughter and love and appreciation. And I really enjoyed it. She is allowed to be alone, or allowed to help and be helped by friends, and allowed time for both. Once again, this game, while it is defined by moments of choice, doesn't make you really choose Paragon or Renegade. But it's choices still feel weighty, and like they matter, because whatever you chose you still live out.

The reason I wrote this post tonight is because I wanted to discuss this game. But also because I realized that that desire comes from something deeper.

I want to talk about... anything other than my life, and it's current status. And I don't even mean that in a running-away sense. I mean that I am bored. Bored with "how are you?" being the main topic of discussion. Bored of updates, and every day life. I miss real discussion - I miss the stories that matter. I miss talking about ideas, real ideas, and not just talking about them, discovering them.

The reason I ever was a philosopher was, I think, this desire to discuss ideas. Discussing things with friends that really matter. Deeply matter. And are intricate and tricky and interesting, and have perspective. Things like God, and ethics, and art, and gender. Not of how I'm doing but who I am.

Something about my time in Oxford - or maybe even the summer before, ever since I left JBU - I feel like I have been cut off from those things. And not only from them, but way worse than that. Cutt off from the love of them. Which seems so backwards, doesn't it? That studying for a masters in philosophy at Oxford University would cut me off from my love of discussing ideas? But it did. I don't know if I was just intimidated by the imposition of academia (I was) or tired of being out of my depth (I was that too), or scared of having to be the best to be anything (and again, this for sure). But it was like that whole thing was... ruined, somehow. And I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to take that back.

It reminds me of the soty my mom always likes to tell about me doing - or rather not doing - voice lessons when I was younger. My sister started going to voice lessons, and my mom offered that I could go too. And I told her that I enjoyed singing far too much to take voice lessons. I enjoyed it too much for someone to tell me that I was doing it wrong. I don't know how I came by such wisdom at such an age, but I wish I had held on to that. Because that's exactly what Oxford did to me. It took from me something I once loved. And could I have held on to it? Is this barrier simply the fact that I am scared of hard work and dedication? Yes. Undoubtedly. If I was a stronger person, I might still find joy in philosophy. But I'm not. And I'm not convinced that it's worth it, either.

It seems like the only way I could enjoy philosophy again is to let it go back to a hobby, and work hard to make it an enjoyable hobby again, not just a reminder of suffering, failure, and depression. But I do have two degrees in it, and nothing else to my name.

I've been struggling a LOT recently with figuring out what to do next. Do I try to re-enter academia? Or would that kill me? If not, WHAT do I do? Where do I go? What will I not hate?

I don't know the answer to this or any other question. But I'm trying hard to convince myself that I don't need to answer those questions before I try and seek out meaningful discussion. Because right now, I'm running pretty dry on things that I find life-giving. And I'm always surprised by how much life long, meaningful discussion of ideas with friends can be.

I really miss having friends in person too. Friends I can meet up with and touch. Getting really tired of really only having skype, even if I'm always on it. But that's another story.

Thanks for listening - sorry that devolved from a game discussion into all of... that. TL;DR: Please come talk to me. Why not about this game? Also, if you can, play Beyond Two Souls.

Thank you for reading

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R

Wonder Woman Rebirth

I figure that after you've already read a book series (or as much of it as you can get your hands on) three times, and borrowed it from the library twice, you might as well buy it. And you might as well write a blog post, too. In related news, I just spent way too much money ordering comic books.

If you know me, you probably know that I am a huge fan of the 2017 Wonder Woman film directed by Patty Jenkins and staring Gal Gadot. You also may know that I really dislike most of the rest of the DCEU, especially it's version of Batman. But I digress. Wonder Woman is who is important right now. I should probably write a whole blog about just that film, it's so wonderful (pun absolutely intended). I love just about every single thing about that film. I love Gal, I love that version of WW, I love the story, I love the setting, I love the characters (Not the best version of Dr. Maru if I'm honest) I LOVE the Amazons and Themyscira. And I can't wait to see more in the upcoming Wonder Woman 1984.

However.

There might be a version of Wonder Woman who I love even more.

Don't get me wrong, Gal Gadot is still a practical goddess, and her WW is nearly more perfect than can be believed. I love her mindset, her attitude, her goodness, her struggle, her power, I love all of it. But the DCEU's version of Diana is based in the New 52 series of comics (to my knowledge). Which means in this story, Zeus is Diana's biological father, and he and the rest of the gods (sans Ares) died or vanished long long ago. This works for a world of superheros really well. I'm almost surprised that the people who wrote Bats v. Supes didn't take this and RUN with the whole "gods are dead, superheros replaced them" potential. I'm glad they didn't but I'm surprised. I was never a huge fan of this. I've always liked the made-from-clay story much better than the born-of-zeus story. There are several reason. Chiefly because it makes Hyppolita just another woman in the long line of women whom Zeus has seduced. I won't say conquered but at least seduced. And overall just because I'm not a fan of Zeus. So I'm biased. Anyway. I never really understood what it was that I actually found lacking in the DCEU WW backstory, until I found it in another comic.

I hadn't ever really gotten into comic books before. That world is HUGE and complex and very intimidating. But I love the idea of comics. Comics are quite literally - and I know I just made fun of what the BvS writers could do with this - the new gods. The old world had Zeus and Odin, and we have Superman and Iron Man. That's not to say that we believe these beings created the world of control the heavens, or that we sacrifice animals to them. But we sacrifice other things. We sacrifice our time, and our interest. We wear their charms and tell their stories. The stories don't need morals to shape our understanding of the world. Of what power looks like. Of what villains look like. Or goodness. Of what is worth fighting for. We put their images up on our walls and paint their sigils on our shirts. But again. I digress. In reality I have read extremely few comics, because they often seem even MORE complex - with their different cannons and earths and timelines and authors - than mythology does. And that's saying a lot.

But to my rescue came Susana Polo, Polygon's Comic's editor, and her youtube series Issue At Hand. If you ever wanted to know about comics but never had the time, I highly recommend it. And it was Susana who first recommended to me the Wonder Woman Rebirth series. I haven't read the rest of the Rebirth books (there are lots now) but by some miracle of miracles, my local library had the first four Wonder Woman books! The Lies, Year One, The Truth, and Godwatch. So that's what I want to talk about today.

There will be some spoilers in the coming paragraphs but I will try to mark them out.

The Lies is a super interesting idea for a book, and from what I understand, really sells the whole idea of the Rebirth series. It is a "reset" on the DC universe - not the first and not the last I am sure. And it directly confronts the fact that there are multiple versions of the story of Diana's creation/birth, childhood, exile, and life. It also does well however to leave room for SOME of what has occurred in past comics to hold true. And in fact the whole series does well to give the sense that WW still has a past and true stories not contained in these pages. It is ambiguous enough that just knowing that other WW comics exist is enough, the reader does not have to know about them. This comic was also my first real introduction to the Cheetah as a character, and I love her. The fact that the first thing Diana does in this series is <SPOILERS> to help heal her friend/enemy, to break not only her own bonds but those of others, </SPOILER> was perfect. It was also a good introduction to the other characters like Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. The Lies is about Diana intentionally striving to return her focus to what matters to her, and she does a wonderful job.

Year One may be my favorite of these four volumes. As I said in the beginning. I already knew that I love Wonder Woman, and that I love the Amazons of Themyscira. But even I didn't know that I could love them this much. As I read and re-read Year One, I gave a lot of thought to what it was I loved even more about these Amazons than those of the film. Which don't get me wrong I adore the Amazons in the film. There are a couple things that stand out - the amazons of the film seem markedly more warlike, but I feel this is a trick of the focus of the film, and if we were shown a broader picture of life on themyscira it would be better - but one difference really stands out. The biggest difference between this Themyscira and the one on screen is that in this land, the gods - the Patrons as they call them - are very much still alive. And I LOVE that. In this world, when the Amazons ask "how could this man have crashed on our shores?" the immediate and 100% taken seriously answer is "The gods must have willed it. They are speaking to us and sending us a sign." And I really love this. One of my favorite scenes in this whole series involves the Council of Themyscira - the queen, her wife/general, the lead scientist/researcher, and the high priestess - analyzing the symbol Steve was wearing, an American military insignia - for the signs in it. The eagle, trident, anchor, and weapon (gun) were all meaningful to them. And they believed and really invested in these signs from the gods. The Amazons are confident in their gods, and they are proven to be correct. The Patrons continue to appear as active forces in these comics, <SPOILERS> giving Diana her super powers, visiting her in a time of need, as well as even fighting alongside her briefly </SPOILERS>.

Wonder Woman Rebirth is not scared of faith. That's what I realized and love about it. These characters function from their faith. And it is not mocked and it is not taken lightly. It is genuine faith, and it is faith in something strong and real. I have always loved Diana's conviction. And in this world, the rest of the Amazons have Convictions just as strong. And faith just as strong. Faith in the gods, and in love. That honestly? That is more than I ever thought to ask of a comic book, or of most of modern culture. Everything Diana does, she does because she believes in her gods. Believes that they gave of themselves to her, in order that she might give back. And what's more? This faith isn't a delusion. Diana's patrons are an active and present role in her life and the life of her sisters. She takes them seriously and is taken seriously by them. And the comics don't shy away from this. Diana is - and I don't really think I am overstepping bonds here to use this language - taken, blessed, broken, and given. By her Patrons and her People to the World.

The Truth brings out the second jaw-droppingly perfect Wonder Woman moment, and I'm gonna jump right into spoilers for this one <SPOILERS> when Wonder Woman finally finds out the Truth of Ares, and confronts Terror and Panic. She binds herself with the Perfect, and tells these two rotten villains - who have stolen and manipulated and hurt her and her friends and everyone around her including her Home - simply that she loves them. That she is not ignorant of what they have done, but accepts it. She does not approve of it but she - and this word is not used but it could/should be - forgives them. This is the most powerful act in the entire series. And although the word is not used it illustrates true forgiveness better than most stories I have seen. There is no excuse for the behavior of Terror and Panic. There is nothing to change your mind about all they have done. They are not likable villains. And Diana does not excuse them. She forgives them. The two acts are mutually exclusive. And Diana chooses to confront evil, and to over come it with love. She sacrifices a chance to fight, to avenge, and humbles herself - physically bound on her knees - before her more powerful enemy. It's not the first time she does it. Wonder Woman is, quite literally, most powerful when she is on her knees.</SPOILERS>

When the 2017 film Wonder Woman came out, me and several friends shared conversations about how we could not believe how Christlike Diana was. How watching Wonder Woman was like watching everything that Christianity should be preaching and showing to others. And Wonder Woman Rebirth was all of that and more. It is a truly wonderful tale, showcasing above all else the power of Truth, Faith, Hope, and Love.

Another thing in The Truth I wanted to mention that I really loved. <SPOILERS> Diana, even as the shining beacon of faith hope and love I have described her as, is allowed to be upset. She is allowed to be angry - and angry with the gods at that. She is allowed to ask her gods hard questions, and be comforted by them. I really appreciated that. </SPOILERS>.

Godwatch is an interesting comic, as it is basically a series of missing scenes from the time of The Lies and The Truth, all concerning the main human antagonist. And it was Godwatch more than any other comic that made me realize something else I love about this world. In the world of these comics, all characters are essentially presumed to be female until proven otherwise. There are male characters, and good ones at that, but the majority of characters, both main characters and background characters, are women. This isn't a story about Wonder Women vs. all of the Evil Men. The baddies are ladies too. They a complex, diverse women, and complex, diverse desires. Business women, engineers, leaders, warriors, mercenaries, and even a Witch. And I genuinely enjoyed watching and felt for the villains in this story. (not Terror and Panic. The humans they manipulate). Are they still bad? Yeah. Do I excuse them? No. But I think even dedicating this space to their stories is essentially an act of the authors to emulate Wonder Woman - it is an act of love towards enemies, and an effort to uncover the truth. To understand and to heal, rather than judge and confront.

I honestly think that everyone should read these books. I don't care how much you care about comics. The story told in these pages - and the art that accompanies it - is some of the best I have seen. And I know, I'll probably say that a lot on this blog. But these comics just... blew my mind. I didn't know that they could BE this good. And by good I don't just mean good comics but like morally good.

Wonder Woman: Rebirth is simply beautiful. It is a comic that celebrates faith, truth, goodness, beauty, and love. True, honest, godly love. And true, steadfast, earnest faith. And I adore that. Just like what made the WW film so good, this series knows that it is genuinely good. Like it's heroine, this series is written with confidence in its own writing, and earnest conviction of its own message. There is no fear where light like this shines. And I honestly praise God that this light is shining in the world.

I said before that superheroes are the modern gods. And I still think that is true. I used to be, I think, scared of saying such things. I have always loved the gods, and their stories. But growing up, calling something a god meant it was an offence to God capital G. And I am sure that there are some contexts where that may still be a concern. But these stories are too beautiful to belong to anyone else. I believe that all good things come from God, and all good things are reflections of him. I believe that every person is to one another a mirror, reflecting light. And as we are made in the image of God, his image can be seen in each of these mirrors, from a slightly different and unique point of view. And the same can be said for the things we make. All goodness is God's goodness. All truth God's truth. And it has been a long, long while since I have seen a work that shines so brightly of God's goodness and truth. I have no idea what the people who created this work of art believe when it comes to religion. I am sure they are a mix of ideologies. But no matter what faith they hold to, they are doing the Lord's work. And I wish even more people could see.

This may sound like a bit much to attribute to a comic book. But if you think that, I would ask you to not be afraid to dream a little bigger. Why can't a comic book be all of this and more? Perhaps this is a passing interest, and one I won't be focused on in time. But I think that even if I forget the story itself of this series, the - lessons isn't the right word. They aren't lessons. They are an understanding passed on through witnessed experience - about Truth, and Loving your enemies, and about Faith, Courage, Perseverance, Service, and Sacrifice? Those will stay. This comic is much more than the sum of its parts - and the parts alone bring a LOT to the table.

Before I leave, I would be remiss not to reflect upon how true so much of this is to the origins of Wonder Woman. I haven't read a lot of the classic WW comics written by Marston, but I know that these themes ring true. The image of Wonder Woman fighting her foes by loving them - and of the themes of loving bondage seen with both herself and Ares - are very Marston. Marston believed, and wrote, that a person is most happy when living in submission to a loving authority. This has always struck me as an interestingly Biblical attitude. Marston, of course, would have interpreted this differently, in that the loving authority would have, I am sure, been human in origin, whether it be a spouse, or a government, or any other relationship. I believe that Marston's idea is basically right, but that the loving authority must ultimately be more perfect and more loving than any human or group of humans ever could. Must in fact be divine. And in this comic, the loving authority which Diana represents literally is divine.

If you've ever been interested in reading a comic in your life - or even if you haven't - go and find a copy of the Wonder Woman Rebirth series. At very least read The Lies, Year One, and The Truth (although I do also recommend Godwatch! and I cannot wait to get my hands on Vol #5). I have already read them through a solid 3 times, and will gladly do so again. Since I first learned who Wonder Woman really was - which I cannot believe was only last year - I have wished that I had Diana's strength of character, her conviction, and her love. Now I wish that I had her faith and devotion too.

I could go on like this ad infinitum. But it's an hour past bedtime as it is. Ask me about Wonder Woman.

To close I thought it would be fun to share this picture. My wonderful friend Shannon, who is or should be a baker by trade, made me this wonderful cake last month on my birthday, and topped it with a hand made sugar-forge Wonder Woman circlet! And so, even though I ended up breaking it in the attempt, I had to put it on. It's not the best picture, but it was the best gift! Thank you Shannon.

As always, thanks for reading. This one was pretty long. But I have so much more to say. If you have read this series or would be interested in it please message me I really would love to discuss it.

Rissa

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

EDIT: I decided I wanted to add that picture to this one and repost it. Also, I wrote the whole thing rather late at night and in the morning had a few things to add.

Uncharted

By rights, one of the other topics I listed in that last post should go first. It would have been nice if I had done this in chronological order. But alas, the time for that has passed. And so Uncharted is going to be my first topic, as I've just recently finished it, and have a lot to say!

This is going to be a long post as I'm actually discussing 5 different videogames (Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception, Uncharted 4: A Thief's End, and Uncharted: Lost Legacy). Or possibly 7 games, because I'm gonna talk about Tomb Raider (2013) and Rise of the Tomb Raider) a LOT too. I'm going to try very hard in these posts to indicate all spoilers, and give a brief spoiler-free bit at the start but I will be talking a LOT about spoilers - especially for game 4.

The TL;DR of this post is this: Uncharted 4 is an absolute masterpiece, and is one of the bravest, most satisfying games I have played. Ever. This game has jumped my own personal rankings to take a seat with games like Tomb Raider (2013) and yes, even Mass Effect. I absolutely love this game, and really admire the love and bravery which went into its design. The love is evident, and the bravery is something I would like to bring out.

Before going into spoilers, let's start with the story of how I got here. Years ago - I was probably a freshman in high school - I remember going to a friend's house who had a playstation 3. I watched my friend play some of Batman: Arkham Asylum, and she told me about Uncharted (the first game) but I didn't see any of it played, just the pictures on the box and the description she gave me. Ever since that day I have been wanting to play these games, and have been actively avoiding spoilers for them. (The same for The Last of Us. Which, upon writing this, I still haven't played. Because of Uncharted.) About a month and a half ago I FINALLY purchased a PS4, and among the first games I bought for it were all of the Uncharted series (And Horizon Zero Dawn). I flew through the first three games, and tried to slow down for the fourth, but still I don't think I played any of the games in more than 4 sittings. Game 3 I beat in less than two days. It was quite the weekend. That was a few days ago now that I finished with Lost Legacy and I still can't get enough.

The other part of my story I want to tell is my love for another game: Tomb Raider. Specifically the "survivor" timeline games (2013 and Rise of the Tomb Raider). It is impossible to not compare Uncharted to Tomb Raider, and Tomb Raider is one of my favorite games of all time. So anything I say here about how uncharted is good and different from TR, I'm no saying it's better. But I've really enjoyed appreciating the differences. Playing the first Uncharted game felt very much like a love letter to the old Tomb Raider games (I recently played TR Anniversary) written by someone who wanted to make another TR but didn't have the IP. The second was more developed, and the third and fourth, until they really became their own thing. And it was about the time of the 3rd Uncharted that Tomb Raider itself got rebooted, and you can clearly see the influence starting to go the other way - from old TR to Uncharted back into new TR. I absolutely love seeing how games inspire and are related to each other (Like the System Shock/Bioshock/Dishonred/Prey/Thief family) so I have a lot of thoughts about this.

Uncharted and Tomb Raider have a lot in common. Both are adventure games seeking mythic treasures in which the hero must reach the goal before their opponent. Both have a lot of climbing and puzzles and figuring out how to get from here to there, or open a door. Both have good combat systems and are in 3rd person. Both feature exotic locals and both Nathan and Lara are constantly falling off of things! But there's just as much that they do differently, and I love them both.

Tomb Raider has several strengths; Lara Croft herself as a character is really terrific, and the story and locations are great. I love Lara's look and I adore her 2013 redesign. But it's real biggest strength is in the FEEL of the experience. Tomb Raider 2013 is wonderful because it's visceral and tangible and really caries you with it. You ARE Lara Croft when you play the TR games, and I for one LOVE being Lara Croft. I also really enjoy the game's stealth challenges. Learning patrol routes and making use of my surroundings and out-thinking opponents makes me feel even more like Lara. Even some of the things others might not like - how Lara dies a terribly gruesome death so often upon failure - draw me into this game, into feeling each hit Lara takes and investing myself in her. It's a much more earnest, more serious experience than Uncharted, and is darker, but isn't anything like horror, and I enjoy that a lot.

Uncharted also has many strengths. Again, the locations themselves and the stories around them are really wonderful. The combat is fun and rewarding (esp in the later games), and the puzzles are good too. But where Uncharted REALLY shines is in the writing. In its humor and in the characters; in their dialog, in everything about them. I absolutely love Nathan and Elena and Sully and Chloe and Nadine. Sam is alright too. I love the way they talk - the banter in Uncharted is some of the best I've ever heard. The writing is brilliant and hilarious. Uncharted isn't nearly as visceral as TR. It's not as down and dirty and present, and it's a lot more lighthearted. I've described Uncharted as "Tomb Raider, but is Lara Croft actually had a sense of humor and friends". Not that I don't love Jonah and Roth and Sam but Lara is very much a loner. And that works. But for Uncharted Nathan is almost never all alone, and I love that. And all of this has a very interesting effect. I love Nathan Drake in a different way than I love Lara Croft. I love BEING Lara Croft, but I love being WITH Nathan Drake. I love hanging out with him and his friends. I love watching him and Elena. I love being involved with their story and getting to witness it. And don't get me wrong, I like being Nathan Drake too. But I really love hanging out with Nathan's friends. And that's why I find the fourth game so extremely satisfying.

I don't think I can say much more without spoilers. Can you believe I've made it this far? Well here we go, diving in:

<SPOILERS>

For those who haven't played but don't mind spoilers I'm gonna give a short summary for the Uncharted games (1-4). The basic plot of the Uncharted games is that Nathan Drake, a modern day treasure hunter, is following after the great treasure hunters of the past. in each game Drake finds an ancient lost city and a treasure that it turns out he both cannot and should not take home. Each time, the bad guys also want the treasure, but often for bad reasons, uncaring of the moral problem that turns Drake away. Game 1 follows Sir Francis Drake to El Dorado, game 2 Marco Polo to Shambala, game 3 T.E. Lawrence AND Francis Drake to Iram of the Pilliars, and game 4 the pirate Henry Avery to Libertalia. Along each of these adventures Nathan is assisted by his mentor Sully (a smuggler, dishonorably discharged from the US Navy) and his acquaintance-then-ex-then-wife Elena Fisher (a journalist and war correspondent with a knack for showing up in Nathan's path). The other game - Lost Legacy - does not follow Nathan Drake but rather Chloe Frezer, a fellow treasure hunter introduced in game 2, to find another treasure in Halebidu and Belur in India.

The thing I mostly want to talk about in this spoilery section is Nathan and Elena's relationship, and how much I adore it, along with the real bravery that it took to conclude game 4.

In the first game, Nathan and Elena's romance is to put it bluntly, expected. He's a guy, she's a girl, they're in trouble together and save each other. They bicker and fight but are there for each other, and their love makes sense. By the way, I'm not trying to knock it by saying it's expected  I really love Elena from the get-go. She is not at all the damsel in distress and doesn't need saving. One of the first big things she does is actually to save Nate from a prison cell. Elena has been described by the game devs as a female version of Nathan. They both love the same things, are both stubborn and passionate and capable, are both cool headed and resourceful, and both love adventure. And I really love this idea. The devs have created characters who could be wonderful friends even if they weren't romantically involved, and if circumstances allow. The one major difference between Elena and Nate is that they have different goals, and - at least at the start - Elena has a better moral compass than Nathan. It sounds corny but loving Elena really does make Nate a better man. I'll have more on this later.

By the second game, it appears that the two have broken up, and a new character, an old flame of Nate's from before he met Elena, Chloe Frezer, shows up. Chloe and Nate appear to be a couple for a bit, and when they run into Elena she seems upset. She introduces herself to Chloe as "last year's model". But I actually really like how Chloe and Elena's relationship was handled. Elena isn't upset just out of jealousy. And the game does not simply pit Elena and Chloe against each other for the sake of drama. Even though they both love the same man, their conflict is about something much more important. The first conflict they have is over their different reasons for being in an active war zone. Nate and Chloe ostensibly for their own gain, and antagonizing the villain killing everyone. And Elena to try and make the rest of the world aware of the war in order to help support its victims. It's an ideological conflict, and one that pits Elena against Nate more than against Chloe. And the biggest conflict the ladies have - the one that swings Nate from Chloe's side to Elena's - is over the fate of another man's life. Elena's cameraman, who is injured, is slowing the group down and Chloe insists that they must leave him, while Elena will not. They don't end the game as enemies either. Chloe can see that Elena and Nate are together and so makes a graceful exit, with no hard feelings all around.

By the third game it appears that Nathan and Elena have actually gotten married - which itself isn't common in games! - buuuut Nathan has screwed it up with his want of adventure and adverse attitude towards settling down at all, and they're separated. Elena still wears her wedding ring (she says this is because it helps in the culture of Saudi Arabia to appear married. But based on her later comments I think it's more than that) while Nate does not (although it turns out Sully has been carrying it for him). They meet under less than ideal circumstances again, with Elena helping Nate out, and always being there to save his ass. It also turns out that when she thinks Nate dead, Elena is willing to risk her own life to save Sully - who are shown to be good friends by game 2. Both respinsible for taking care of Nate. They're back together as a couple at the end of game three and THAT brings me to one of my favorite sections of any game. A Normal Life.

Uncharted 4 has several introducing sequences. There's some boat combat, a flashback to Nathan's childhood, then when he's a young man, but finally gets onto it's main time line if you will catching up with Nate and Elena and their married, law-abiding life. Nathan has a day job in marine salvage, and Elena is still writing articles about world interest. They have a house - I believe in New Orleans? - and a sweet, domestic life. Their house is still decorated with things from travels and images of far off places. Nathan has set up shop in the attic, with relics from his treasure hunting days, and even targets set up to fire a foam dart toy gun at, which he can play around with. They have a lovely scene having dinner together, in which Nathan loses a game of Crash Bandicoot, and the banter is as strong as ever, but this time even sweeter because they're happily married. I say sweeter because I super enjoy this type of relationship and do NOT see it portrayed well enough in media. A loving, married couple, who get along. Sure they disagree and tease each other but they don't fight, and they both operate with each other and each other's happiness as a priority now. They're also comfortable together, living honestly, not trying to impress. And there is still love and sex appeal and all that between them but they're able to rest in the assurance of each other and of their life. It's missing a bit of adventure, but this seems like a cost they've both been willing to pay now. They're done with that life. Nathan says this a few times. He doesn't take that kind of work anymore. When his boss offers a big job which is all ready except the permits, even Elena says he should take it, but Nathan refuses to do anything not 100% according to the law. Which makes a lot of sense. He's been in and out of jail a lot, especially as a kid.

Now I wanna pause here for a sec and talk about Nate's moral shift throughout the games. Because I think it's a super interesting and very intentional writing decision. In the first game, Nate isn't the most moral of characters. He isn't a bad guy. He works hard to save his friends, and after he finds out about the horrid curse on the treasure he's willing to let it sink to the bottom of the sea and go home empty handed. But he doesn't have any real qualms about the life he's living, the people he's killing in combat, etc. Pretty normal for a video game character. Very early in game two however Nate is shown to be unwilling to kill unarmed guards. This was super intentional and was the moment I realized that the game devs cares a lot about making the audience aware that Nate was a good guy. Later on, Nate is with Elena in that he won't abandon the injured camera man. In the third game Nate is a bit in the wrong already since he's run out on Elena, and he continues to ignore everyone's warnings - Sully, Elena, Chloe, and even Sir Francis Drake - that he should give up and that the city was hidden for a reason. But again, before the ending comes he's transitioned from seeking treasure to seeking to save his friends, and to keep the baddies from acquiring a powerful weapon. In each of these situations, Nate is a good guy, but Elena is better. And I'm not saying that Nate wouldn't come around to the right without her - he probably would. But it certainly helps. These themes of the good, reformed thief, willing to give up treasure to save the world or save a friend, of being someone not so obsessed with their goal that they lose sight of all else, and of Nate being someone who slides down this slope until his friends drag him back up, continues and is really emphasised in the fourth game.

This is accomplished by contrasting Nate with Sam, his long lost brother whom he thought dead 15 years ago - in fact he thought he watched him die. I'm not going to go into this whole story, but just say that when I saw the lovely Normal Life scene I was, while completely delighted, also scared because I just knew that Nathan was going to do something to screw it up. And he does. Sam pressured Nate into helping him out - one last job, to save Sam's life from a debt - which also happens to be the job that Sam and Nate have been wanting to go after their whole lives - and instead of bringing his long lost brother home to meet his wife, Nathan, like an absolute dolt, calls Elena and lies to her, saying he too the permit-less job. This goes down about as well as you'd expect. He has to keep lying for a few days, and then eventually Elena finds out. Because Elena is not an idiot, and has even more connections than he does. She shows up at his hotel and learns exactly what Nathan has been doing. They fight, of course, and Nathan says the expected, bullshit line of "I was protection you", and she calls him out on it. We all know she's his best partner and could have been out here with him this whole time. Elena walks away from him, and Nathan, idiot that he is, does not go after her. He tells himself it's because he has to save Sam's life.

Later it turns out that Sam was also lying and that his life was not on the line, he just wanted to find this treasure with his little brother. And then, as he is want to do, Nathan almost dies. And who is magically there to save his hide and help him back up? His wife, of course. I absolutely bowled-over LOVED this twist. Sure it was convenient but I don't care. Elena is patient, and listens to Nate. Nate knows exactly what he did wrong and Elena does not rub it in. She's already yells at him and she actually does help him process his response, and then accepts it. Eventually he admits that he wasn't protecting her, he was protecting himself, because he was scared of how she'd react if he broke his promise to be done with this life. And I really loved watching this. The other side of the conversation is that Elena says she almost didn't come back, but what changed her mind was the fact that she had made a marriage vow - for better or for worse. And y'all I cannot say how much I adored this. I have often thought that vows are not ever taken seriously enough in media, especially vows like this one. It's so refreshing to see a couple who actually are seriously committed, and would let something like this be as important as it should and control their actions even when they don't feel like it. It made me remember too that Elena never took off her wedding ring even when Nate did. They share some really wonderful scenes, talking about their funny idea of romantic, and work together more closely than we've seen before. They really are perfect partners, and I love seeing them together. It's a real shame they spend so much of the four games separated!

So Elena helps him, and it's about this time that Nathan really has to decide if he's here for the treasure like everyone else, or if he's here for Sam. And now that they don't need the treasure to save Sam, they can just leave. Leave the mystery and the discovery and the gold. And just go home and save their lives and family. This is very similar to how everyone else wanted Nate to stop in the third game. But this time, Nate is the wise one who knows when to quite, and Sam is the fool who thinks it'll be worth it. In the end Nathan does find the treasure, only because Sam does and he has to save Sam from it - or from the villains who have also found it. And of course the treasure stays there, but Nathan saves Sam. (Side note: why is there always a Sam? whether it's Samuel or Samantha or Samwise, there's always a Sam.)

I love this because it's such a good reflection of and really concentration of the main theme of the game, and spotlight on Nathan's character development. Because Sam is basically who Nathan was before he met Elena. Before the games started.

And finally, we can talk about my favorite part of this whole huge game. The ending. Nathan goes back to his day job. Elena does too. Sully and Sam might still have adventures, but there's something healthy I think in showing a great adventuring character going back to a normal life and not complaining about it. Because I have a normal life. So, as silly as it seems, maybe it helps me complain less too. It's good to see represented. But the game doesn't leave Nate and Elena in the same place as it found them, as good as that was. It leaves them somewhere better. Elena sets plans to buy the company Nate works for, gets the permits, and takes them on the job. She and Nate become equal partners in their own, legitimate, law-abiding treasure hunting company. He's still a treasure hunter - specialized in marine salvage, and she's still a journalist, hiring a crew to make a show based on their finds. They still get to travel and see the world and discover it's lost mysteries, but together, and without risking everything to do so.

This is made even more complete by the epilogue. After I played Uncharted 4 I replayed the epilogue three times. That's how much I love it. (I also just had to get that high score on Crash Bandicoot!) The epilogue is set at least 14ish years later, and stars Cassie, Nathan and Elena's daughter. They have a house on the beach, filled with eclectic and miscellany from their travels. They go sailing and climbing and cycling. They still have their frineds, Sully and Sam, over to visit. They still uncover mysteries and take footage of it. They have a long successful history of totally legal finds. And they have a daughter, and even a dog. They're settled but not stagnant, and enjoying life and love together. It's relaxed and lovely and I adore it. In this epilogue, Cassie finds out what her parents are hiding from her - the stories of their less-than-legal crazy adventurous past, and how they met. And seeing Nate and Elena as parents, ones with such a good relationship to each other and to their kid? THAT is what's missing in media. And I cannot say how much I love seeing it. Seeing healthy relationships between spouses and between parents and children. Seeing trust and love and seeing families enjoy being around each other. That's what I want. I don't want drama. I want love and trust.

I told my friends the other day that I would happily buy a full priced $60 game that was JUST playing through the domestic every day life of the Drake and Fisher household post-game 4. And I really would. I honestly still am having a hard time believing that it was SUCH a good ending. And that was one of the things I found most interesting about this game. It took real guts to make it as good as it it.

Imagine you're the game devs at Naughty Dog. You've got a super successful video game series. Loads more adventures could be written. He's at the top of his game and raking in the dough. You could do sequels for years and have a dedicated fan base. So what do you do? What do you do with this recognized character, Nathan Drake? You give him a happy ending. You retire him while he's ahead. You, in fact, actually follow through on the main lesson of the game itself. That it's not about the treasure. It's about family and friends. You prioritize your story and your characters above anything else. You write them without the agenda of leaving an opening for another game, and more drama. You write a story with a beginning, middle, and end. You don't invent drama for the sake of it. And that allows these characters that SO FEW other characters get. The chance to follow through on commitment. The chance to trust and not invent drama. The chance to be happy, and have a happy ending. Naughty Dog prioritized making the best game, and best story, and best characters they possibly could, and were willing to walk away from the prospect of more games staring Nathan Drake. I don't know who originally made that call, or how many people had to approve it, but I honestly commend their courage and willingness to do what was good and right and best. More than any other game I've ever seen, I can tell that this game was made with love. Love for the players and the characters. It's earnest in it's message because not only the characters but the developers follow through.

I also love that it hasn't totally stopped them from making more, though! I would LOVE to see more games in this world! They released Lost Legacy, proving concept of an Uncharted game that doesn't mess up Nathan's happy ending, and I would love to see more! Ok I'm gonna move on to some final thoughts.

</SPOILERS>

Uncharted is such a wonderful series. Well and lovingly made. A wonderful atmosphere and mindset to be in. Terrific characters to just be around and interact with. It made me long for adventure, but even moreso for my friends. It made me want to be more like Nathan Drake - not in the way that I want to be more like Lara Croft, but more that I want to live his kind of life, with his kind of mindset. I want his positivity, and I want friends like his. I want his perseverance but also his ability to appreciate good times.

I will probably play the whole Uncharted series again, and will doubtlessly replay the fourth game (and probably Lost Legacy as well). It's going to be added to the list of games I play when I just need a mood change. When I need a positive place. And that is not what I was expecting even when I excitedly bought the games, after years of wanting to play them! These games more than exceeded my expectations.

This post has gotten extremely long, and a huge chunk of it is just summaries. I would apologize for that, as it's not great writing habits, I know. But do you know what? This is my blog. And this is what I want to do. I'm not here to stretch my critique muscles or write a formal review. I'm here to point at the cool stuff I like and just say "Look how cool this stuff is!!" If you're down to read that, I thank you. You don't need to feel any pressure to read all of these posts, as they will probably be like this one. But if you do, let me know! I'd love to chat with anyone who has thoughts, on these games or on my posts.

If you have a PS4 and haven't played Uncharted, I really don't know what you're doing with your life. You're missing out not only one some of the best adventures, but also on one of the best families, and the best romances I've seen.

Thank you, Naughty Dog devs. For going above and beyond, and for walking the talk.

Rissa.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.