Had a suprisingly good day

Look at me actually blogging whilst in a good mood for once. Aren't you proud of me? I'm proud of me.

It's been an alright week. Got through this presentation that was kinda stressing me out for the several days before it. Almost forgot about the second presentation until 8pm the night before (the class used to be on tuesday and now it's friday and honestly if my co-presenter hadn't emailed me, I wouldn't have done the reading or shown up for the day I was presenting :P ) but it went well enough regardless (because when you give the two students who are committed to a belief in the eternal soul the reading on animalism (the belief that we just are animals) they have a lot to say on the matter).

Oh and Thanksgiving happened! The folks at Wycliffe did a special lunch for us with turkey and stuffing and sweet potatoes and the lot. It was nice! It was a stressful day for me because I had a lot to get done that morning that I should had done in the previous days. I ended up being late for lunch and not being able to stay long so it didn't feel particularly like a holiday. But I got my rugby kit! I have proper boots (cleats in the US) and a mouth guard and all that now. It wasn't the best day of practice (meaning I didn't do that well) but I think we're starting to really get to know each other now so that's good. I'm so glad these girls are on my team! I wouldn't want to have to go up against them in a real game.

Most importantly, today I finally finally made some progress on my next essay. Which is a huge relief. I actually have something like a thesis for this one :P. The hard part isn't over yet but it feels good to have at least a focus on this one.

The Old Bod closes early on Saturday, which is annoying, but made me get out and be downtown before all the shops closed, so I even got some Christmas shopping done AND my groceries bought. Look at me go! Ok sorry I'm just proud of myself for actually doing things.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow I get some more stuff done.

This post didn't have much of a point, I just wanted to prove that I'm not always in a bad mood. So here are some pics of the week to reward you for reading a post without much else to say.

This picture was to commemorate the ONE TIME in which my kit will actually be clean.

The moment didn't last long.

It got cold

So I'll be honest. Right now I'm feeling really tired and depressed. And I told myself I didn't want to post while I felt like this. Especially not about happy stuff. But if I don't, then I'll never post because I never think to when I'm actually feeling good.

I guess I've always been a bit "moody", but right now it's really confusing how I can have such a good time and still feel this way in the evenings. Part of it is physical, so at least I can blame that. I've been sick for over a week and a half now. Or, I should say, over half a week ago I was sick, and had been for a week, and for the past half week it's just been kind of holding on. I was sick basically from Wednesday to Wednesday, and it's Monday now, and even though I've been "not sick" for several days I am still extremely tired and my throat and ears don't do well in mornings/evenings or at night. It's a sort of irrationally tired feeling. I feel like I've been resting a lot but I'm still ready to sleep at like 5pm. I'm actually skipping rugby practice - again - as we speak because I feel like I must have stalled my healing process by attending the last practice session (which was good!).

Unfortunately, I've used this "i'm sick" excuse to be exceedingly lazy towards my next essay, which still feels so upstarted and huge that I don't know where to begin. I also - stupidly - volunteered to help with a presentation on Wednesday that I regret volunteering for. It's for that one class that already feels SO far above my head. Just doing the reading for the presentation feels like drowning. It'll be me working with one of the DPhil students who is super nice and smart and has helped and encouraged me, and we're meeting to go over it tomorrow, but uhg. Am I just lazy? Do I just not care?

I feel like that's what it's become: I am having trouble doing all this work because I am having trouble caring. I get overwhelmed and then i get scared and then i shut down and stop caring because I just want to get this over with.

they say that this Masters period is supposed to be when I get to do my own thing. research what I want. but right now I feel like I'm treating it like an undergraduate - just doing things to get them done, out of the way.

When will I get back to caring?

Sorry to be such a downer. Uhg, I always do this. Besides all of my depression and existential doubt, it's been a really great weekend. I came here to talk about that. So let's move on.

This past weekend I got to go on a "get away" weekend with the postgrads group at my church (St. Aldates). And it was amazing! We got to stay at a place which was basically Professor Kirke's house (that's right - Digory Kirke, Lewis' self-insertion figure of the Narnia books) . It was magic. And SO beautiful and SO comfortable. Oh my gosh I could go on about this place for forever.

The grounds were expansive and green, and we got to walk through them. There are a ton of pics going to FB and I'll put a few at the end of this. The house, oh my gosh this house, first of all has rooms which are older than the US of A. Second, I swear it was bigger on the inside. It was exactly the type of house that you would swear up and down (and we all did, metaphorically) that if you just wandered long enough you would inevitably find a spare room at the end of one of the halls which had only a wardrobe under a tarp in the back. The halls were cold, especially downstairs where they were made of stone, but each sitting room (there were so many sitting rooms, and a big library with a piano too) had a large, open fireplace, and couches and chairs more comfortable than I can convey, as they have probably been sat in longer than I've been alive. I forgot how much I miss fires. Guys I LOVE fires. In fireplaces I mean of course. Anyway. The dining room was long enough to seat us all (20+ people) at one long table + one round one. There was an extra kitchen which I think had the sole purpose of making coffee and tea. Once we were in a sitting room and had two small groups looking for space when suddenly one of the walls opened (we didn't even know there was a door there!) and Iona, who owns the house, (more on her in a sec) stepped in and said "oh you can use this room back here if you want, and there's also a sunroom if you go straight through which is probably warm enough by now". Not only was there a whole other room behind the one we were in, there was yet another room behind that! And yet every room somehow had windows and a fireplace.

Ok so this place is owned by the nicest, sweetest, most level-headed, generous, and friendly of ladies. Her name is Iona and as far as I know she inherited the place from her husband's family (who have been living in it for generations) and she lives there alone now so she invites christian leadership/study groups out for weekends like ours. I seriously want to be like Iona when I grow up. We got to help her bring in some firewood (she has like this whole system, because each fire place needs a difference size of log, and a HUGE pair of sheds out back) and just doing that with her was so pleasant. That's the best way to describe the place I think - both Iona and her house and her farm - the epitome of pleasant and comfortable. Very British too, in the best of ways. And she was so interested in each of us students!

Also did I mention that it's a farm? So there was like fresh milk. I don't even like milk. It was really good.

On top of the place itself, the weekend's planned events consisted almost entirely of small group Bible study and prayer. With an extra focus on the prayer. It was really nice. I feel like St. Aldates post grad group is one of the few places where I can be honest about how hard a time I'm having - besides here of course. And all of the people there are so caring and so great.

I was mildly sick (or "not sick" yet coughing and sniffling and red-throat-ed) while we were there. And SO tired. But the beds were comfy. And I almost forgot how much work I had waiting for me. I was going to catch up with writing this blog while I was there - maybe for once write while  I'm not in a bad mood - but I never got connected to the wifi. And for once, a weekend with no internet was perfectly okay with me.

I didn't want to leave. I want to go back. First because it was so lovely, but second because then I wouldn't have to write these papers or attend these lectures or give these presentations (did I mention I have a second one on Friday?) or make decisions or do work.

Sorry to return to the doldrums. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I'm just being lazy or if this is something more. I sent an email to my supervisor earlier. She is SO nice and supportive, but somehow emailing her still scares me. I just don't know how to relate to my professors here. And I find that I care far more about what they think of me than I usually do.

Ok back to the awesome weekend. Here are some pics. See more on FB!

It snowed the first night we were there! Just a dusting but it was fun to see.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

P.S. I get that in this song it's for the sake of rhyming but for some reason I've never liked referring to the Holy Spirit as the Holy Ghost. Spirit and Ghost mean two different things to me. What about to you?

So I'm supposed to be updating

This is starting to feel like a chore.

The updates:

1.) I've been sick for a week with a cold that go bad enough that I thought it might be strep throat but is now dying out without giving me a fever. As such I've skipped rugby all week.

2.) A few nights after my last post the Tolkien fan group here had an awesome bonfire night, that's what all the new pics on FB are from, it was a really truly great time.

3.) I submitted my first formative essay and it went really well! My supervisor, Dr. Karen Nielsen, is really great. That said I still feel a bit like I don't know what I'm doing or should be doing. She's helping me start on another paper and I'm already just like what? what am i doing? why? why did I think I could do this?

4.) On that note, I'm still trying to remember why exactly I'm in philosophy. Half of what I want to do seems to be in theology. The other half is in literature. I don't know why I chose ancient philosophy. For instance: what I really love all has to do with God's plan and his creation. But that's not really in Plato in the same way is it? And Aristotle, all the papers are so technical and frightening. Where's the passion? Then when I'm trying to write on Aristotle (I chose to return to magnanimity) all I can think of is how it related to Shakespeare! What am I even doing here?

5.) It feels forever since I've posted. I played a lot of video games this week because I've been sick and when I'm sick I'm lazier than usual and am a terrible person.

6.) Now it feels like I have no time at all until the end of term and I need to figure out my holiday break and what I'm doing.

7.) I miss the lot of you! Sorry I haven't responded to any letters. I am a bad and lazy person.

8.) Its nearly midnight, so goodnight, all! Sorry for the lame update. I'll try to do better next time.

Praise God form whom all blessing flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Okay for real now...

A few more serious updates while I'm here: #1: Rugby:

so the last time I mentioned rugby on here it wasn't when I was in a good mood. But the three practices I've been to since then have been really great. We started full contact training (we had just been doing touch), and I have never been more covered in mud in my life. But it's been really awesome. I'm still not the best, I know that, but I'm having more fun and getting to know the other girls better. Today it rained before and during practice and we all got soaked to the bone and COVERED in mud. And then covered in bruises. But we had a great time.

EDIT: (oh in other Rugby related news: I got my contacts in today! It's so nice being able to see on the pitch! They are nice and I am happy with them. Put tem in on the second try!)

(just to continue the picture theme)

#2: Everything else:

So. Real life now. I feel like I've been doing everything EXCEPT my studies lately.

I'm still having a lot of trouble with philosophy - with remembering why I'm here and remembering why I love/d philosophy. The more I read Plato the more I dislike him. I've been hammering at this paper for weeks, but I still have no idea what I am saying. Iv'e rewritten the thesis 6 times at least. And I have practically nothing to show for it.

I'm still the girl sitting in the back of class just trying to keep up and being lost every lecture peroid by what is being said by both professor and peer.

I've got a lot of work to do. But unlike rugby, this time I seem to have lost passion as well. I can go on to people in person about what I'm interested in philosophically, but as soon as I face another philosopher with serious questions it all turns into a confused mess. And this paper? don't get me started.

I don't know what I'm doing here. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to write essays any more. I don't even know how to read philosophy any more. What happened to me?

I feel SO out of my depth. As if everything I've done before now it just... nothing. Laughable.

When I was younger, I remember when my sister started doing voice lessons. My mom asked if I wanted to do voice lessons too, and I told her that I enjoy singing too much to constantly worry about doing it wrong. That is exactly where I am here. I used to like this sort of thing. Now? Now I just know that I'm no good at it. And I'm losing interest FAST. Because all of my ideas seem pretty worthless and confused.

I know I know, you are all going to say that every new student feels this way. So don't start. You're going to say that it'll get better and I'll grow and all of that. I know all of that already. Don't give me old beat up answers unless you've been in this boat.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the library early and stay there all day and pray to God that I somehow end up with at least the start of a paper in my hands. I don't know how that will happen. And I'm scared. Really scared.

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know that I want to. I know that I did want to, and I did think I could. That's why I'm here. I know that everyone else thinks I can. But that's not enough when I've got less than a week to write an essay that currently doesn't even have a point.

#3: Guy Fawkes

Sorry to start out so great and then end on SUCH a downer. I know normally people like to have the good news first. So here's an ending to help:

After rugby, I continued to have a very good day today, even though I got nothing down on my essay.

Wycliffe did a book launch, and I missed most of it because I had to take a long shower, but I got to talk to the lady who wrote the book, Lydia Schumacher, and she was really great. Also, a small group here asked me to drop in on their accapella singing practice (they're preparing for a christmas thing wycliffe does). And finally: It's the 5th of November. Bonfire night. Guy Fawkes night. And around here that means fireworks!

We didn't set any off, but I wandered around and saw a few other college's shows. Just the atmosphere was awesome. No really cool pics because it was super dark and quite rainy. But it was great. They do fireworks differently here, they are much lower. So the air becomes thick with a mix of fog, haze from the rain, and drifting smoke from the fireworks. You can smell them hanging over you. The sky, cloudy and streaked with smoke, is grey, making the dark silhouettes of the city's famous towers appear dark and ominous in the sky, lit at times by flashes of bright red and green and blue, which reflect off the shiny, wet roofs of nearby buildings and off the streets. The sound is close, and loud, like gunshots and canons and sparks of fire - the crackly ones, you know. In the wet air the fire still seems closer, brighter, right there. It feels more fire-y that close, less like abstract color. The church bells ring their oddly chaotic chorus. The trees cut three-dimensional shadows through the fog. It looks like somethign from a Sherlock Holmes novel come to life.

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November.

The gunpowder, treason, and plot.

I see no reason why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot.

It's been a while (Picture time!)

I might have to make quite a few updates! It's been several weeks since I've given an update, and I've got a lot to share. Perhaps I should break this into several posts? Let's start with some fun stuff and see where this goes.

It's museum time again!

But this time with more DINOSAURS!!!!!!!

I had a LOT of fun one day a few weeks ago at the Natural history Museum here. I spent several hours walking around and texting pictures to the friends whom I thought would appreciate them most. For Hannah, dinosaurs, for Cami, scary fish and silly birds ;P

(for WAY more pics, see Facebook!)

Also there was the Pitts Rivers museum, a cultural history museum:

WITH SWORDS!!! SO MANY SWORDS!!!!!!

And other weapons

Also, I got to go with a group of renenacters here on campus to a historical market type thing. Like a renaissance fair except inside and more just the shopping, no shows, etc. It was fun! So many cool people, but everything is SO expensive it's not even funny!

On the way home, we saw the brightest rainbow I've ever seen!

I've also gotten to visit other cool stuff in England and in Oxford, here are a few:

I also got to see THE MAP

ONE MAP TO RULE THEM ALL

ONE MAP TO FIND THEM

ONE MAP TO BRING THEM ALL

AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM

....okay okay. So this map THIS MAP. It was found in the copy of the Lord of the Rings that Pauline Baynes (illustrator) owned. And it's covered in J.R.R. Tolkien's handwritten notes to Baynes to help her make a new version.

Baynes was also the illustrator of my favorite books of all time:

Finally, for pictures: here's a few fun things, and some pics of me and funny hats I got to wear for various reasons :P

I've got more to share, that's for sure. But I'll make another post for the rest.

Sorry this was just kind of a picture dump! I'm trying to play catch up. Most of this is from before that last Rugby post.

Thanks for reading, as always.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.