This post isn't about rugby

It's 9:22 and I have not yet gotten out of bed. (Ok I went to the bathroom. Then got back in bed). I've been awake for at least 2 hours. To quote Hamilton: I wish I could say [this is] the last time. I said that last time, it became a pastime". This whole taking a late morning thing happens to me a lot. But today is a bit different I guess. 

I'm not in a state where I should be writing this. I don't know why I even started. I don't know what I'm going to say. We can find out together I guess. 

I know this is all really sudden but that's how I've been feeling recently: sudden. One minute I am fine, happy, laughing with friends, the whole lot. A minute later and I feel... I don't even know what to call it. 

I miss caring about things. I miss looking forward to things. I miss wanting to do things.

If I'm honest I have some stuff to look forward to - my parents and sister are coming to visit, and I will get to see them and see Belfast, Edinburgh, and London again. I love them and I love all three of those cities. But that is so far from my mind right now. 

I feel really lost. Directionless. Pointless. Like every day all I want to do is get back in bed. I think about things I have to do and that's what they all are - things I have to do. Things I must do, not things I want to. Even the things I am not at all required to do, the things I've chosen, feel more like a matter of course. Does that make sense?

I'm sure that later today I will feel better. Then I will feel down again. And it will get better again a free that. Maybe tomorrow.  But right now it just feels so... I don't know. I was going to say helpless or hopeless but maybe that's not even right. I just DONT CARE about... Well anything. Or maybe it's that I don't care about anything enough to act? Why do things still hurt if I don't care about them?

Recently I have been extremely disappointed in myself. And honestly I have some reason for shame here. This degree i am doing is really a "you get out what you put in" thing. It's an opportunity. And I haven't really been putting anything in. I feel like I have been wasting so much opportunity. Squandering it. And while I feel really bad about that, it somehow isn't enough to transform that feeling into a strong determination. I just kind of give up to my laziness. 

I'm not strong, or brave, or any of that. I don't have conviction or passion or anything that I admire. I don't have a goal. The closest thing I have is a suggestion of the "well I don't see what else I could do" fashion. 

Everyone says that God is strongest in our weakness. I'm sure there's a verse about that. Maybe I should look it up. But what does that even mean? What does that look like? It's not like I'm trying and failing. I'm just not trying. And I've obviously gotten to the point where I can say that out loud and still not be ruled up enough to change. 

How long is it ok to just lay in bed alone and cry? Because I don't even know how to stop now. I don't know how to transition back into real life, into my work.

I'm going to try to write more of this when I am in a better state of mind to explain some of the reasons behind it I guess. I just... I wish I had a purpose. I wish I was determined. But right now it feels like even if you gave me ones would just waste it. 

Even though I talk with friends every day I still feel alone most of the time.

Maybe this is something deeper. I have been trying to consider if this is like a deep identity thing. Have I been trying to find myself in study, in community, in rugby? And been understandably disappointed? Is that what I'm doing? I know the line about finding your identity in Christ, and I can say all those words, but what does that mean for every day life? What does that mean to get me out of bed in the morning?

I'm sorry that you had to read all this. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above he heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.