Overqualified and Undereducated

Wow that could be a nice blog title right there huh. If that blog isn't already on the internet, then dibs.

This isn't going to be a review type post, if you couldn't tell, but more like the ones I wrote back at Oxford. I need a space to think, and to process.

I've been thinking recently a lot about what I want to do. Both in the long run and next steps. And I still am so unsure. Right now I'm a substitute teacher. And I've been accepted to an alternative certification program, to pursue a Texas teaching certificate. In order to get it I would need to pass some exams - that's the easy part - and work as a full time high school teacher for a solid year. I've had the papers to begin training towards this for almost a week now. I still haven't signed them.

When I left JBU the goal was to get a Masters so I could get a PhD, and to then get a PhD so that I could teach at the undergraduate level. But then, having finished step one, I felt and still feel completely unprepared to move on to step two. In order to do so I would need a research proposal, and I would need funding. And that's not even answering the question of if I could actually DO the work or writing a doctoral thesis. On top of all this hangs the prevailing question: Do I even really want to teach undergraduates?

I've been working at a freshman campus of a high school for some time now. And I know that freshmen and seniors - much less freshmen in HS and freshmen in college, or even juniors in college - are extremely different. And maybe I can attribute this to my own lack of experience in public school. But I just don't know if I can teach high school. I don't know if I can deal with the students there. As a sub it's one thing but as a teacher it would be another. I would, I think, become very discouraged by them. But right now it feels like the only job I have a shot at really getting. And I'm going to need a job that can offer me benefits, and soon.

Every thing else I look at, when I try to research how to get involved in other fields outside of teaching, seem to involve me needing MORE education. Returning to college. And I don't know that I can do THAT either. financially or otherwise. I've spent years of my life studying. I have two degrees. And I feel like I know nothing. I know how to DO nothing at all.

Recently I've been really wishing that I had the equipment and know-how to make stuff with my hands. Anything, really, but especially the type of stuff craftsmen make. I wish I could be a carpenter, or a blacksmith, or something. But for starters, you need a lot of equipment for that I am not about to pay for, and also I have literally no idea how to do anything, and have never ever tried.

Sometimes I wish I could give up all that I've done and go be an apprentice to some craftsman in some small town, who would hire me without bothering with the fact that I'd never done anything before, and would pay me a living wage to learn from them.

Every once in a while, I'm still swept with an idea in philosophy. I think "maybe THAT's something I could do a thesis on." but they never stick. and even if they do, I can't get them to stick to paper. I have no idea what I'm doing. And no idea what a research proposal would even look like.

I feel like I will never find work which I find fulfilling. And that I can't do anything, for lack of knowledge, skill, tools, and primarily, dedication.

I finally decided to talk to a therapist the other day. I've met with her twice now. I was supposed to go a third time, but I forgot, and missed the meeting. I'm sure it's a thing that you're not actually supposed to look at what it is the doctor is writing down in their notes. Not supposed to see your file. And luckily I'm not very good at reading handwriting, especially upside down. But I couldn't help but notice at one point during our first session, my counselor writing the word LOST and circling it. And she's not wrong.

Every once in a while I spend an afternoon and evening feeling very stgonly that I ought to DO something. Something more than sitting upstairs and playing videogames until it's time to go to bed. I get tired even of my text and skype based conversations with my friends. People - including my new therapist - have given me endless suggestions for things I could do with my time. They all seem to bounce right off, unfortunately. It's like in my head I've already decided that I'm *NOT* going to do anything. So I don't. Even if I want to. I know I won't so I don't. If that makes sense. It feels like I can't talk about this to anyone too, because all they want to do of course is help. Help by making suggestions of things that I should do. Suggestions it seems inevitably will not be tested or followed through.

it feels like something in me broke at grad school. or when i left jbu. it feels like somehting was taken. I don't want to think anymore. But I've never trained any part of myself besides my brain. I've never trained by body. I've never trained my hands. I haven't really trained my heart all that much.

Why do I want to get a certificate anyway? How would I even go about finding other options? Why do I feel like the idea that people would hire me if I went to Oxford was such a lie? It's just like when I was a kid. The only things I'm good at are things I don't care about. And it feels too late to change.

I am so privileged in my life right now. So blessed. So why do I feel so powerless? So useless? so hopeless?

I've told myself that I shouldn't feel ashamed for not even trying to look for a way to move out of my parent's house. But I don't think I've ever believed it.

Sorry to be such a bummer. Thanks for reading. Hopefully next week I'll be back with something better to discuss. I've got several topics lined up.

Again, thank you for bearing with.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R