Rugby

So let's talk about Rugby. mostly because I just got back from it and I finally feel like blogging. We'll talk about the rest of my week later - it has been a good one - but for some reason i feel i have to write this down separately right now. Just for me, even if it tells you little.

So for those who don't know I've been going to rugby training practices. Right now they hold separate practices for the returning players who are good (The Panthers is the team name, though the first string is, like all Oxford Varsity teams, known as the Blues) and for brand new players. Which is really REALLY nice because otherwise I wouldn't even go.

Y'all keep asking if I'm liking it, and I always respond: well I'm not good at it but the girls are nice. This is the truth. The girls are nice. I've walked back to campus (one problem is that it's like a 45min walk to the pitch for me. I need to get a bike.) with a few of them. But when I say I'm not good at it, I mean it. We've been doing passing drills and playing two-hand-touch for now. And I just... On defense I can't defend because I'm not fast enough to catch anyone, and I'm constantly offsides because I can't keep up with the ball. Once I'm offsides I can never get back one. (In rugby simply being offsides doesn't penalize the team/play unless you effect play - like get in the way of a payer or the ball - while offsides). On offense, I can't even receive because somehow I'm always in front of whoever has the ball, and then can't get behind them. I can't run because I am neither fast not agile, and I'm not great at passing either, mostly because I can't keep in my head an awareness of where everyone is until it's too late.It's a balance of if you should keep the ball of pass it of course and I feel like I can't do either. Oh, also, I get tired out like not even 10 min in I swear. Out of breath, can't run, the lot. On the pitch I'm slow and dumb. I don't know what I'm doing, and when I'm doing it I'm not doing well. You might think rugby is a bunch of hardened berserkers, but it's a bunch of quick rouges. And I can't keep up, mentally or physically.

I really don't know why I'm playing. I don't know why I think I can do this. I don't know why I think I should. I was half tempted to talk to the coach after practice and ask bluntly if there was ANYTHING I was doing well. I didn't, because he was busy and I didn't want to whine and he was just going to tell me that everyone's new at this anyway or tell me to work on things I already know I do poorly like staying behind the ball.

At this point, I know that my doing well at this is out of reach. In fact, my doing adequately at this is out of reach too. For me, the fact that I'm doing it at all - actually showing up - is like a miracle. That feels really pathetic, and I don't think the coaches would understand if I told them. It's hard to see it as a victory.

Everyone says I'll get better. I don't know that I believe them. But for whatever reason, I'll keep doing. Not well. Not even adequately. But doing none the less. Is it fun? I don't know. I guess it feels good to do something. Even if it feels kind of defeating every time.

I'm not good at the "well I tried" attitude. I don't want people to think of my like that. But I am at a level of fitness so low that even if I'm the worst one there, I guess being there is as good as I can do.

I made this post because tonight it didn't feel good. I felt disappointing. Not that anyone acted like that. But I did. I guess I made this post to ask myself why I am still doing this. The answer is because I feel like I should. like it'll make me better somehow. Because I finally, finally chose to do something and did it. And if I can keep even that up, maybe I'll be better than before.

I'll fill y'all in on my week later. It's been full of museums and plays and I've got a ton of great pictures to share. But first I have an article on epistemology now.

Thanks for all your support guys. For all I know I may stay on the beginners (non-Panthers) team for more than a term. Heck, maybe more than a year. I don't feel like I'm part of a team yet. I don't feel like an athlete. But at least I'm not sitting at home.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.