I'm to lazy to title each post

Okay. Sorry it's been a while. Everyone is constantly asking me how I am, and i'm getting tired to answering them, so I've been avoiding this blog. Also because every time I remember this blog it happens to be in a time when I feel bad. You need to know that this isn't a constant state for me. It's the evenings that are hard. And thats normally when I have time to blog.

This week has been up and down. Some fun things happened, but we'll start with the bad.

So classes started. As a BPhil student, I am required to take two lecture classes per term, and this first term I also have to do a half-term (read: 4 week) seminar class. So far I've done one section each of Epistemology, Moral philosophy (that's the seminar), and Plato and Aristotle on True Belief and Knowledge (basically ancient epistemology). So far these classes leave me feeling.... dissapointed, I guess is the best word. Not so much disillusioned, just, well, bored.

You see, when I applied to this school I was freaking out because they have such a great program and oh this will be great. And now I'm here and I keep thinking.... why am I here again? Why did I want this? It's not that I've failed my hopes and dreams - I'm actively living what was my dream! - but now I don't really remember why. And to be honest, that's terrifying. As my mother can testify, I have cried several times this week. So let's just put this out there: I am scared. Very scared. These classes, I am so, SO over my head. Like epistemology? I could barely do the reading because like what? what are we talking about and why? And then with Plato, the class I was excited for, it's just kind of dull. The prof just kind of very slowly talks about the issue. It's like a topic that COULD be really exciting if he would let it, but somehow it's not. Moral philosophy is better, because it's a seminar (read: open discussion). All and all it's hard to suddenly be around so many people - especially other students "on my level" (I say that as an insult to me, not to them) who have done such different (and seemingly far more extensive and deep!) reading on each subject than I have - bringing up things and making points that I don't even begin to understand. For the first time in my life, I'm the girl who sits in the corner of the class and blocks half of what's said in the room out becuase I just have no idea what's going on.

I haven't started writing yet, but that's just as scary. These people who I feel like I can't even talk to are going to read my papers. I feel like they will assume I know my stuff - meaning I've read all of what they have - and I just haven't. I just don't know these things. I mean I couldn't even tell you which works count as "late plato" vs "early plato". I haven't even heard of some of these things/people.

All in all, I feel very behind and quite bored. I haven't found a place to actively engage in the part of philosophy I actually like.

Okay. That's the bad stuff. out of the way. TL;DR: I'm freaking terrified and worried I made a mistake in even coming.

Now the good stuff. Yes there is good stuff, thank God.

So first of all, praise the good Lord above and thank you so much to everyone - there were like 5 of you - who told me to go to St. Aldates church. I'm not kidding. I don't know what it is about that place but it just feels so right to be there. I went on Sunday and I went tonight and, I don't know that I've ever said this about anywhere before, but God is there. I don't know if it's the people or what - there is nothing about the church I can point to. They sing mostly songs I know and am used to. But when I went on Sunday morning - I sat by myself (though one lady I met last week did say hi!) and just before the service started I felt somethign hit me like a physical wave. It was homesickness. And I cried. All throughout the time we were singing, and during the sermon, and though the whole ting, I just cried. I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't ugly or loud, thank the Lord, and it was off and on. But I just cried. I cried because I missed my family, I cried because I missed my friend, I cried because I wanted a hug, and didn't have anyone in this whole continent whom I could love. I cried because I was far from home, I cried because I was scared of my course, I cried because of so many things. I cried because Jesus loved me, and because the Lord God had brought me here, I cried because God is constant and sustaining and he lets us praise his name. Afterwards they asked anyone who needed prayer to come forward, and I found myself unable even to talk to the kind but probably very confused lady who came to ask if I was alright. She prayed for me, and encouraged me, and afterwards, once I had dried my eyes, they had a lunch for new students and I got to meet a few others.

They invited me to their Wednesday night group for postgrads, from which I, as I sit writing this, have just returned. The kind of "theme" for them right now (the church as a whole) is the river of living water from Ezekiel 47. And somehow tonight I just felt thirstier for that than I ever have - to kneel before God and be washed in a waterfall of his life. I don't know that image just came to my mind. Afterwards we were split into groups and I really like mine already. Two of the people (a girl and a guy) are from Wycliffe, so I walked home with them. It's been a while since I've been in a group that I fell in with like this. Since I've been in a church that I felt the immediate need to remain in.

The other exciting thing is that I actually went to meet/do a taster session with the university women's rugby team. And it was really fun. You all know me, you know I'm not anywhere near sporting. I'm not fit, I couldn't run a lap without stopping. I am still not sure I could do rugby even if I tried. And there I things to work out - getting the gear, and also getting contacts so I can see while on the pitch, if I really commit to this. I'm scared of committing to it and then backing out later. But I'm going back to meet them again on thursday. We shall see.

Did other good things happen? I don't remember honestly. I caught up with both Steven Universe and Gravity Falls. I should be reading Plato in stead of watching animated children's shows, even if they are awesome and grown up.

Oh and a special shout out to Rachel Anderson. I got your letter on monday. I cried. I hope to write you back properly soon, just know that your letter was exactly what I needed and didn't know I needed. Thank you so much. And praise God for his providence there.

I think I'm gonna go eat a bit of British chocolate (yes I'm bragging you poor Americans without galexy bars) and head to bed.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Rissa

P.S. Send me mail! If you do I might test out how well galexy chocolate does through the post when I send you mail back :)

P.P.S. Actually I can't promise that, I have no ide how much international shipping costs... send me mail anyway!

P.P.P.S. If you have any books or other things that are only/more easily available in Britain, remember to message me!

P.P.P.P.S. Sorry no pictures this time.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh! one more good thing happened: i met up with the Oxford University Company of Archers. So that may be a thing which I do as well.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Because SO many of you asked (thank you!) My mailing address is just Wycliffe Hall's mailing address (no box #, just my name):  54 Banbury Rd, Oxford OX2 6PW, United Kingdom