It's Back

That daunting, slow but suffocating sense of "What am I doing here?"

Let me preface this by saying that I have had a rather good several days. I went to international orientation, Wycliffe's welcome lunch, had drinks with the other Phil students, went to St. Aldates (that's a church), and rooted for England in a very sad game of rugby; the works. I've met so many people now, and that's nice. I don't feel quite so alone. I don't have what I would call friends - actually I don't remember 99% of their names, including any of the names of the people who live in my building. But it's been nice to be in a group, and with the Phil students, to share my passion with others.

However, meeting all of these people has made one thing markedly worse. It's something that has been plaguing me every night/evening. It's not a total constant, but just about every day in the hours before I go to bed, when I'm decompressing on my laptop or lying in bed texting friends back home,, it comes back: That acute knowledge and pressing fear that I am in way, way over my head.

I know that there's this thing called impostor syndrome or something like that. And what I'm feeling is basically exactly that. But knowing that it's a "syndrome" or whatever does NOT make it feel any less blatant, real,  problematic, and terrifying.

Guys what am I doing here? Like, really? I don't know philosophy. Not really. I know bits here and there - often useless bits, and bits that everyone else knows. I've never even read half of the names I've heard from other students recently, and even those I have read, I have completely forgotten what they said. Even the terminology, like really basic stuff, I just nod along to as if I understand.

Every time I have a conversation I feel like a little bit more of a fake.

Also I'm really bad with names. Like seriously you could tell me your name and I've forgotten it by the time you're done saying it. it's bad.

But seriously. How in the world did I get here? How on God's good green earth am I supposed to do this? WHO thought that I could do this and that it was a good idea?

Maybe everyone else - all those students who seem like they know what they're talking about while I nod along - maybe you're all just faking too. But it sure doesn't seem like it.

Maybe it's the Ancient Phil. aspect. Because like Aristotle's Ethics is pretty intro-to-phil stuff right? and all their modern phil isn't. It's like I stopped at the beginners level and now everything I could say is something everyone else already knows. Like what am I supposed to say? How?

Each night I'm swamped by questions: why did I chose ancient phil? why here? why not somewhere easier, and cheaper? What if this all screws up? I can't afford that.

We haven't even properly started yet and I just feel like a fake.