Dramatis Personae

Last Time On… whatever we’re calling this.

Gaia (Earth) married Ouranos (Heaven), Ouranos mistreated Gaia, Gaia’s youngest son Kronos came and castrated his father, making himself King. Kronos married Rhea, Kronos mistreated Rhea by eating all her kids, and Rhea’s youngest son Zeus came back and made his father vomit, then beat him in a war, making himself King. (And Zeus still didn’t do right by Gaia because poor Gaia is the best but has never been treated right in her entire life).

Now it's time to discuss the Pantheon. Which literally means “all-gods” but really is used to refer to like… 12 of them. Wait, 13. Okay 14. Fourteen of them. Another term we could use is the Olympians, but this is also problematic because not all of them live in Olympus (which is either a mountain or a city in the clouds or both). It’s a whole long story. And it's gonna take WAY more than one post to talk about them all.

First, though, this post is just a quick Dramatis Personae. An introduction to "my" version of the gods, if you will. If you're new to Greek Myth, you can use this as a reference post.

I’ve put Greek names in bold and the Roman in italics. For the most part, I’m only going to be including Roman names elsewhere if it’s a name you’re more likely to have heard than the Greek names. Like the planets, etc.

Up in Olympus we’ve got:

1. Zeus (Jupiter). King of Gods and of the Sky. Lightning bringer. An absolute, utter dick. Do not applaud this man. Serial Rapist. Cannot keep it in his pants even if the world depends on it. His symbol is lightning. Boo this man!
2. Hera (Juno). Wife of Zeus and Goddess of Marriage and Women. Oft villainized and always longsuffering, she has a justified temper. Her symbol is the peacock.
3. Poseidon (Neptune). God and King of the Sea. Also Horses, because reasons. His symbol is the trident. Pretty much just Aquaman.
4. Demeter (Ceres). Goddess of Harvest. Due a LOT more credit than she gets. Her symbol is grain. Or cereal, I guess.
5. Hestia (Vesta). Goddess of the Hearth and Hospitality. And Self-Care, probably. Stepped down from the “12” when Dionysus showed up. Perfect Cinnamon Roll, Too Good For This World, Too Pure. Her symbol is a torch, or fire contained in a bowl. Sacred Virgin.

These are the children of Kronos, minus


6. Hades (Pluto). God and King of the Underworld. The Hot One, Probably. Not technically an Olympian because he doesn’t live there, but still in the Greek Pantheon. The only married God besides Hera who knows what Fidelity means. His symbol is a bident (like a trident but with just two prongs), or a dark helmet, or a three headed dog.

Joining the rest in Olympus are some the children of Zeus:


7. Ares (Mars). Son of Zeus and Hera. God of War. Also Dogs. An absolute animal. Nasty, rowdy boy. Bad Man. His symbol is drawn swords/spears or maned helm.
8. Hephaestus (Vulcan). Son of Zeus and Hera. God of Fire, Craftsmanship, the Forge, etc. Also Disabled people. And Robots (no joke). A Good Boy, but not a Handsome Lad. His symbol is the hammer and anvil.
9. Athena (Minerva). Daughter of Zeus and Metis (not Hera). Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare. Also crafting skills, etc. The actual Best. What a Legend. Patron of my heart. Perfect. Magnanimous. Amazing. Her symbol is the Owl. Sacred Virgin.
10. Artemis (Diana). Daughter of Zeus and Leto (not Hera). Elder twin of Apollo. Goddess of the Hunt, of Virginity, of the Moon, and of Lesbians (le’s be honest).The Orginal Gay Icon. Her symbol is the Moon, often in crescent, her silver bow, or a deer. Sacred Virgin.
11. Apollo (Apollo). Son of Zeus and Leto (not Hera). Younger twin of Artemis. God of Music, Medicine, Prophesy, the Sun, and basically every other Miscellaneous thing he could get his hands on. Takes after his father but is slightly less of a dick (slightly). His symbol is the Sun, the Lyre, and also snakes, specifically Pythons. Bisexual disaster.
12. Hermes (Mercury). Son of Zeus and Maia (not Hera). God of Travellers, Trade, Trickery, things that start with T (just kidding). Messenger of the Gods. A busy man. A Good boy. His symbol is his winged feet and hat, and also the Caduceus
13. Dionysus (Bacchus). Son of Zeus and Semele (DEFINITELY not Hera). God of Wine and of Madness, Ecstacy, and fun times. Also Dolphins. Because why not? A late addition to the “12”. Good at Parties. Basically the God of Orgies. A good boy, and a pretty boy too. His symbol is wine, and grapes


And finally


14. Aphrodite (Venus). Daughter of… it’s a long story. Ouranos. Kind of. You’ll see. Goddess of Love and Beauty and Sexy Times. Less of a bitch than she’s made out to be. Probably… But maybe not. Her symbol is flowers, or sea foam, or sea shells, or doves.

So let's review. The children of Kronos are: Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Demeter, Hestia, and Hades. Of these, Zeus and Hera are married, and all of them live in Olympus except Hades. The rest of the Pantheon are all children of Zeus except Aphrodite, who is... her own thing. Of these children Ares and Hephaestus are the sons of Hera, Artemis and Apollo are the twin children of Leto, Athena's mother was Metis, Hermes' was Maia, and Dionysus' was Semele. ALL of these will be explained in due course. All you need to know now is:

Zeus = Sky
Hera = Marriage
Poseidon = Sea
Demeter = Harvest
Hestia = Hearth
Hades = Underworld
Ares = War
Hephaestus = Forge
Athena = Wisdom
Artemis = Hunt
Apollo = Music
Hermes = Travelers
Dionysus = Wine
Aphrodite = Beauty

This is the basic language of Greek Mythology.

Originally, I had a HUGE GIGANTIC post talking about all 14 of these suckers, but I think it might be better to space this out. I've got time right? Yeah. I've got time.

The next few posts I'm going to make will deal with the Olympians who are NOT Children of Kronos, either on their own or in pairs, (Ares and Hephaestus, Athena, Artemis and Apollo, Hermes, Dionysus, and Aphrodite). Some will be longer than others, and none will come close to telling all of their stories!

For now, I'm going to be focusing on stories which mostly involve the gods, and not their interactions with mortals. But a few stories with mortals will sneak in here and there if they are the type which are especially good at establishing the god's character.

I hope you enjoy the posts which are to come! If you have any questions, want to hear a specific story, or have a suggestion for a title for this mess, please let me know!

Thanks for reading.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

R