These past few days have been very odd. Very slow and very fast, all at once.
So on the 12-13 (I can't believe it's already the 16th!!) I was in transit for around 24 hours - from 8am CST to 4pm GMT the next day. A LOT of that time was spend in airports - I had a 6 hour layover in JFK airport alone.
Now I'm here, and I guess I have been for a few days, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Wednesday night I went to church group, and that was good but I was, understandably, really out of it. Thursday I... Wow I can barely remember Thursday, what happened on Thursday?? I slept in, ate in the dining hall... I guess I unpacked. I slept a lot. Oh I remember there was a social meeting for the phil students, so I got back with them. That was fun. There are some cool people. Some weird ones though. The stories I heard, many are, well let's just say not the type of story you'd here at a JBU party. And then Friday, was that yesterday? They had some meetings for the first years about things like mental health. It was good of them to do. I got to talk to a few of the administrators about stuff and what/how I'm doing so that was good. Gonna keep on ancient phil for now, trying to figure out what to do next.
Today I think I was supposed to go play rugby all day, but I'm confused about that. You see, last term it was sometimes unclear what all practices the beginners (me) could be at, or rather which we should/were expected to be at. And this term it's REALLY unclear. This weekend is the mid-term training camp, and I had to miss the first meeting, and have today not gone to another day. I really hope that this doesn't upset anyone :/. I feel like I am in no way ready for a training camp. But I hope I don't regret this. I will start my training tomorrow with the one session that I KNOW the beginners should be at, and pray for the best.
Whenever life gets fast like this, I tend to retreat by acting slower than ever. I slept in late today and then stayed in bed
My last post here I felt terrible. During the days in between - my trip here and first day or so - I actually felt quite good. The trip actually went REALLY REALLY well. I was blessed by not-being-sat-next-to on two of my three flights - the longer ones at that! And then in Gatwick I met someone friendly; another american girl travelling, not unlinke me, and we chatted for a while. When I got here it felt almost nice to be back. Seeing my friends from church was good. Seeing the other phil students was pretty good, though I don't know how many actual friend I have there. But now - or soon - I have to start DOING things. And that's scary.
I should be getting up early and doing things - something. Going to the library perhaps and reading, I guess? But this is the thing - no one has sat me down and told me exactly what to do, like they do in undergrad/the States. And this vagueness is letting me - and I am letting myself - flounder, already. I know, I know, classes haven't even started yet. I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do.
I also wish that I had someone to do it with. Being alone is... odd. The fact that I have no roommate/s, and no more responsibility to my housemates than anyone living in an apartment does, is odd. I have no one to hold me to anything. I have no one to come downstairs to. I have no one to meet up with and no one else's room to go crash in. My best friends are on 6 and 7 hour time differences - they don't wake up until what is to me around 1-3 pm. I feel the desire to be in constant contact with them at times, and then go days ignoring them, in turn. I don't know why.
I think what it is is a lack of certainty - Whenever I'm doing my own thing - which is most of the time, these days, I'm never ever confident that I haven't missed something, that there isn't something I wasn't supposed to be doing right now, that I'm not somehow disappointing someone or creating a situation which will later disappoint me. Mostly because I no longer have friends living around me and with me to remind me.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a good time so far - I had a great morning/noon too. I'm just typing up here a short analysis of some of my challenges. Because I need that.
Anyway, the other thing I haven't mentioned which has actually been consuming my life over the past 4 days is the musical Hamilton. Hannah asked me to listen to it, and I did so over my layover in JFK (In "the greatest city in the world!") and I have basically been listening to it non-stop (see what I did there?) on repeat ever since then. I 've actually lost track of how many times I have listened to this musical all the way through (The whole thing is on spotify). Because it is SO GOOD. It's also really good music for walking around the city. I don't think many people in this country has heard it or even heard of it (it is about the American revolution/founding). So it's kinda become one of those things which is mine, as an American. I never would have thought of things like that as being important to me, but sometimes things like country music comfort me now, not because I grew up on it (I didn't) but because it's kinda... mine. Here, anyway. I dunno.
The music I listen to really effects me, and effects my mood. It may be that I should switch to something other than Hamilton for a while :P But I probably won't. I don't think I will ever get these songs out of my head, and I only know the words to 1-2 of them. (It's hard to pick a favorite, but Dear Theodosia is the only one I know the words to/can sing right now. It's beautiful and a lot slower than the others).
I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go try and not feel bad for not going to the weekend training camp, and not worry about my studies until term starts.
I am worried that I will have too many mornings like today, though. Not that this morning was bad, it was really nice, but it won't do, if I want to get anything done.
Thanks for reading, and for your prayers.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
P.S. I seem to have lost even my most basic cooking skills - I messed up a grilled cheese sandwich today. I blame this kitchen. Also has this country ever heard of decent non-stick spray? I almost want to go and buy my own skillet... But I won't.
P.P.S. I haven't even started looking for a job/any kind of paying work yet. So there is also that.
P.P.S. I probably shouldn't have switched to post-scripts so fast. In any case - how do I get over this severe case of "I don't wanna"? because that's what this is. Every single time I think of ANYTHING I ought to do, I simply feel very strongly "I don't wanna". Is it apathy? laziness? What is it? Self-centeredness for sure. In any case, I hope I can overcome it, because I need to..... But I don't want to.
P.P.P.S. bye for real now. Love y'all.
P.P.P.P.S. Oh wait pictures! Not many good ones, but here's a pair of sunsets... oh wait one sunset and one sunrise for you. Sunset is here in Oxford, sunrise was over the Irish sea, landing in Dublin. And finally, a picture of the closest to NYC I've ever been: aka a far away grainy picture of a skyline over an airport :P
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