Last day in Texas

So. I'm home. I've been home for several weeks now. It's been Christmas, and New Year, and my mom's birthday. And now, it's almost time for Hillary Term to start.

I've got one day left in Texas. One last day to be in the States and with my family and not in school.

And I feel terrible.

I feel like I have a physical weight on my shoulders, or in the bottom of my gut. I feel like crying. And I don't know why. I'm not looking forward to the travel, that's true (I leave my house at 8am for a 3 hour flight, followed by a 6 hour layover, an 8 hour flight, customs, a 1 hour flight, and a 2 hour bus ride) but that's not it. I think a good bit of it is me really not wanting to go back to school but I think most of it is me just really not wanting to leave home.

I am so glad for the chance to come back and spend time with my family and friends, especially over the holidays. But it's made it so hard to leave. I can't help feeling like I will spend the entire term missing home. It's like that taste of freedom you get over Thanksgiving break that after you get back for finals feels like it's just teasing you, waiting for the end of term to come. Except this time I'm not at finals, but the beginning of a term.

About 10 days ago, at the start of the new year, I felt really hopeful about all of this. I felt inspired even. I was able to really put into words some of the problems I've had adjusting and commit to making things better. I reminded myself again that I really was doing this with the hope of being a professor, maybe at a school like JBU, and that if I wanted that, I would have to act like it.

So far at Oxford I've done the minimum amount of work. I've read just what I've been told to read, or just as much as I needed to write my paper. If I want to be real about this, I need to read. A lot. I need to learn, not make my own assumptions. I need to work hard.

I'm still really scared. Because I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know what I should do. And I don't know how to do it. But at least I was feeling like I should do it.

I still know all of that in my head. But right now I just really, really don't want to.

I am such a lazy person. Such a selfish person. I just don't want to do hard things and so I get depressed and whine and make posts like this on my blog. I need to just get over my self.

I woke up feeling really tired today. Even my eyes feel heavy. I feel quiet, sullen, withdrawn. I don't want to feel like this on my last day of break or my first day returning to Oxford. I was hoping that writing all of this would help. I don't know if it has. I have to check in for my flight soon. I don't want to.

I am so. Blessed. To be going to school. to be going to Oxford. All of it. I should be excited. I should be willing to work hard, to make use of this opportunity to the best of my ability, to at least seriously commit after everyone else has given me so much. But right now I'm not.

All I've done over break is play video games. I don't know why I expected differently. I had aspirations of going to the gym and working out and stuff. I did that once. I ate SO MUCH FOOD while I was here too. I'm gonna get back to the pitch and be even worse than I was when I started.

This whole break I've also been completely ignoring school. I have people to email and work to do and things to figure out and think on, but instead I've just acted as if while I was in the states, Oxford didn't exist.

Well i've said all I can think of for now. I'm really sad to leave, I'm really dreading the travel, and I'm really scared to return to school. I feel like crying. But I don't want to cry. I want to go back strong. I just don't know that I can.

Thanks.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.