So. I'm in Oxford.

(All thanks for the title of this blog go to my wonderful roommate and the wittiest person I know, Kaitlyn Thompson.  (You should know, friend, that Blogger thinks that your name is spelled wrong. It thinks mine is too.) I'll get the look and the header updated to something nicer soon.)

So. I'm in Oxford.

Maker, I really am bad at blogging. Especially that awkward first post. I should probably re-do the opening, make this good, sentimental, thought through, proof-read. But... I won't.

I suppose I should open with a warning. Or rather the opposite of a promise. You see, this is the 3rd time I have attempted to keep up a blog. The first was in my freshman year at JBU, then on my time studying abroad in Northern Ireland in 2012. Now I'm starting Grad School. It may be that this is the only post I ever make. It may be that, by some miracle, I actually update once a week or once a month. If I'm honest, though, the most likely scenario is me updating twice in these first few weeks, then making two posts a few months later, then forgetting about the whole thing. I cannot promise that I will keep this blog, but I'll promise at least to try, for all of y'all back home.

These first few days have been... odd. Lonely, lazy, cold. I really didn't expect being alone to be a problem for me. The thought of travelling alone - to do what I wish and please no one else, to see what I like and be dragged no where, to stand on my own two feet with the strange confidence I've felt before when travelling alone (such as to that conference in California). And maybe I will yet grow to love it. But right now? All I can think of is how excited I was about every little thing the first time I was in the UK. I was with two of my best friends and a group of others, and every minute detail held some sort of delightful magic to our eyes. The feeling of a different land beneath our feet. The history, the culture, all of it. But now? It's just as foreign, but somehow has lost its charm.

Maybe it's just culture shock. I didn't really have that last time but I know I do this time around. Maybe it's the difference between visiting and moving. I feel a strange need to make all of this feel normal ASAP, to become a local RIGHT NOW. I don't even know why. I guess I care more about what passers by think of me than I thought I did.

I haven't really geeked out about all of this yet. I haven't even been taking pictures. It is a gorgeous city. Full of people, too. But every time I walk down the street I want nothing more than to keep to myself and get where I'm going. Oh and there is a lot of walking. Like a lot. I hope my feet toughen up soon, because they already hurt a lot and school hasn't started yet. It feels dumb that they hurt this much already.

I'm getting my room set up, slowly but surely, figuring out what I need, getting blankets and groceries, that sort of thing. Locating cafes and bookshops. Seeing how long it takes to walk to various libraries and stores. Practical things I am glad to get out of the way now.

Half of me is dying for term to just START already. I want to know what I'm up against. I've been given the impression that I will be unbelievably busy and work harder and write more than I currently imagine myself to be capable of. I do not doubt this. It is utterly terrifying. That is why the other half of me wants to hold on to these last days of calm before the storm.

After orientation starts though I will at least be meeting people. The people I've met the most so far are the SCIO students (American undergrads studying abroad here) and they already have their groups and friends.  It feels weird to think that I will have new friends. I like my old friends, thank you very much.

I guess part of the reason I haven't been geeking out and taking pictures is it almost feels like gloating? I know basically everyone back home would love to come here. I hope some of you do! I'll try to share more, maybe that will help.

I guess I should have expected this wave of apathy. It's a real "but I've already done something today!" feeling whenever I get back to my room - even if it's only noon! It's not like this move was going to change who I am as a person, make me industrious and dedicated. Maybe I subconsciously thought that it might.

I'm very sorry to make this post such a downer. Wow, first post and I've already ruined it! The fact is, I wanted this move to be fantastic and sentimental and exciting. Just like this first post should have been. But so far it hasn't been. It's been cold, and real, and scary. I feel like this must all be cause by my not allowing myself to feel good, from fear or who knows what else. I feel like it must be my doing, and that if I just let myself, I would feel good and excited. But I don't know how to do that right now. I don't want to waste this opportunity. But part of me thinks I might already have.

I'm sure I'm scaring and depressing all you people back home who were so excited for me. And I'm sorry about that. For your sake, I will try to really enjoy this, as I ought. I'll try to get out of this very poorly timed rut.

Man if I'm like this when it's sunny out and 50-60*F, I don't wanna know what I'll be like come January...

Whatever. By then I will have friends. And I think that will make the difference. Coming here without a group has been weird. Normally on trips I have a leader, or at least an agenda and schedual. here it was a rush to get here and then... well. do what you like. Nothing to do until Friday, really. No one to answer to. No one to ask permission from. No one to be with. It sounds nice at first, until that last part sets in. And that's how it was. Nice at first. I'm sure it'll all change when school starts, though.

Anyway. This blog will mostly just be filled with crap like this - very stream of consciousness and not edited at all. Sorry if that's not what blogs are supposed to be, but in all honesty this is more for me than for you. Hopefully later when I'm feeling more like a student and less like a lost traveler, I'll write something more focused and discussion starting.

While I'm here, I will reward your patience for wading through all of my whining with the few pictures I have taken:

This is where I live: 

Sorry about the mess. Here's a few others from around town:

There are so many pretty churches here. This is just a few, and probably not even the best.

Here's one of me. Behind me is the Radcliffe Camera, from what I understand it is the central building of the Bodleian Library (making it essentially the central building of Oxford). I don't have my library card yet so I didn't go in.

And finally some goofy pics of fun stuff I've found :) See I'm not all doom and gloom.

I hope you can read that last one. The snark is so strong.

Well let's end this on that high note then. In just a few days I start this adventure for real. This has been, as it were, that awkward part at the beginning of the Fellowship of the Ring that they leave out of the film where after receiving his 33rd birthday present (the One Ring) Frodo literally sits at home with it for SEVENTEEN YEARS before heading off the destroy the bloody thing. Here's to hoping that once I've got my task set out and underway and a good fellowship around me, I'll start feeling more like myself again.

One last note: I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers. I feel bad for bringing this rather forlorn update when I know that so many of you are hoping and praying so hard that I am doing well. Thank you. So much. I'll have better news soon, I am sure.

Perhaps I should make like a signature for this blog. Or rather a tradition. Something that I put at the end of every post. Once again this is the type of thing I really ought to think through. But nah, spur of the moment it is. Perhaps if these downer posts keep up this will help:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.