Vulnerable

Sorry for not updating sooner. I've been rather sick this week. It's something that just kind of comes around. I swear, I am allergic to moving away from Texas. No I'm serious - every single time I moved from home back to school - be it a 5 hour drive to JBU or a 9 hour flight to Oxford - about 2-5 weeks in, I get a week long allergy attack that is about as severe as a cold (but the nurse assure me it's not one). Anyway. This week has been that week. (also before you get on me about vitamins, I have been taking a lot of vitamins, including vitamin C, and I think the only thing it's done is given me an overdose of yellow dye from the vitamin c drinks).

Ok but I didn't come here to talk about that. I came to tell you all what is bothering me this morning.

I am not at rugby practice.

Now honestly, right now, I still think this was an okay decision. It's been three days of me saying "I'll be okay by tomorrow, this sickness never lasts long" - but this morning I woke up and had trouble breathing, and that's without running around. I don't think I could run 10 m without coughing up a lung. Last term I attempted to attend rugby practice while feeling unwell, and my normal 1 week sickness turned into a 2-3 week ordeal where I almost went to the doctor.

Ok but that's not the point. The point is, it still bothers me that I'm not at rugby. The point is, I need to talk to someone about this.

I have no idea if any of my teammates on the Oxford University Women's Rugby Football Club have ever or will ever read this blog, but I kind of hope that at least one of you does. Because I kind of want you to hear this. But I'm... I'm too much a coward to say it out loud to any of your faces.

Here's the thing; You may have noticed. But I am NOT good at rugby. I'm just not fit enough. Did you see me play last game? I was on the pitch for what, maybe 10 min? And I spent MOST of that time just trying to get back onside - I was never in line when I should be, and I let the ball get past me at least twice because I'm just slow. I'm in the way more than I am in a helpful position. It takes me ages to get back in the game after I go to floor, on offence or defense.

What I do NOT need is people to say "no you're wrong, you're not that bad" ok? I do not need you to come and say "it's okay, you're fine". What I need is for someone to just say "you're right. you're not good at this. That's okay for now." ok? I just... I know I need to work on fitness but you know what? The types of things you all do for WARM UPS are too much for me okay? I can't run ONE full lap without panting and slowing up. I can't do a single push up without collapsing ok? I want to be really honest with you. I know I need to go to fitness sessions but I'm just scared ok? I admit it. I'm scared. I'm scared that 5 min. into the hour I'll already be defeated.

I need to be vulnerable with you. I need to stop faking it until I make it. But I'm 'effing scared. I'm scared that I'll give up. I'm scared that I'm just the whiny baby - I'm scared that you all have it this bad too but I'm the only one who wants to give up all the time. I'm scared that I'm just the weak one, the one who hasn't ever done anything hard in her life, the one who only pretends and complains.

I didn't ask to be put on the Panthers yet. I didn't ask to play. I know I'm the last sub to be put on the pitch - I've only played the last ~10 min or less of the 2 games I've been in, And while I'm really grateful that you've all let me have this experience and let me in, and you've all been so friendly, I know that all I'm doing is letting everyone down.

I know, I know, the more I practice, the more I play, the better I will get. I sholdn't be so down on myself. But I want to be honest: The ONLY reason I am still in this game is because I want to be morally committed to not giving up. I've given up on SO many things in my life. Did you know that I have before learned to play the piano, viola, and the trumpet? I can't play any of them any more. Because I gave up. And I regret that. I don't want to regret this. I don't want to quit. But at the same time, I'm just so behind.

I'm not cut out for rugby. Like physically not cut out. And on top of that, I am terrible at real commitment. It's something I hate about myself. But when someone vastly out runs me on the pitch I don't try and push myself harder than I think I can - I give up.

I'm sorry to be so down about this. Sometimes rugby feels great. I like the team a lot. I like the idea of being on a team. I haven't had that in a while. I like the idea that for once in my entire life I am actually making an effort to do something physical, to improve myself. But you have to understand - I am still at the stage where merely showing up is a success. It's not one I get today. I don't want you all counting on me yet. Because I'm not reliable. I'm just not. It's not something I like about myself. And I want to get better.

I'm having trouble finding balance - between rugby and studies, between rugby and social life/church, between rugby and taking care of myself. I realised this week that one thing which would seriously help my mental life would be to get more involved in my college. Because I really love the people at Wycliffe Hall and being with them is so refreshing and encouraging. But that's another time constraint.

How do I do something that is so outside of my ability - like rugby - and still do it as a side hobby among many?

I don't want to give up. Actually. Scratch that. I DO want to give up. And I HATE that. I honestly have been telling myself: The fact that you don't want to do this is THE reason that you should.

They say bravery is not fearlessness, but acting in the face of fear. That's what I want right now. But I just need... a friend. I need a friend on the team, a friend who understand and that I can be vulnerable with. A friend that I can talk to about all of this. About how scared I am. About how bad I am. Without it just being me constantly complaining. And like I said what I don't need is someone who will just say "no no you're good! you'll be good in no time" because that's just not true.

Half of me is so exicted that I'm getting to play in games - just read my previous blog posts! - but the other half of me is just really wanting to ask the coaches/captains if they can just take my name off the lists.

Half of me really wants my teammates to read this. Half of me hopes that no one ever will.

Every. single. Day that we have practice, I don't want to go. I don't look forward to it. I'm scared of it. I was terrified of the game last sunday. And I go BECAUSE I'm scared, I go because I don't want to. Which makes decisions like this morning - to not go because of my health - really hard and make me feel so very guilty.

I'm sorry to post here so much about rugby, for those back home. I'm sorry to worry you so much. Please don't flood me with messages saying "it's okay to give up". That's not what I need. Please don't flood me with "I'm sure you're better than you know" messages either. Because I don't need this invalidated.

I really am sorry about this whole post and that you had to read it. Thanks, I guess. People tell me they like this blog because I've been vulnerable. Well this is me being vulnerable, this is me crying and showing you the parts of me that I hate and hide and pretend I don't have ok? This is me showing and telling you that I am a lazy, whiny, weak, cowardly person who has had everything in my life handed to me. I don't do NEARLY as much work as most of the students here, I assure you, much less the other philosophers or the other ruggers. But I'm the one who whines about it and gives up.

I guess before I go I want to thank the friends who have already read this - Hannah and Danica, thank you so much for listening to me rant so much. And for being up at 4 in the morning your time... And thank you to everyone who has read this.

It's a shame. There are several very good things that happened to me this week. I wish I was in the mood to tell you about them. I really do. Maybe later. Right now I'm just feeling down, and feeling guilty for not being at practice. And honestly this is not the type of mood I need to get this essay written by tonight.

I think I'm... I'm gonna go and pray. Because I feel like crying, and those two pretty much go together for me. I was just thinking last night, when was the last time I really spoke to God and listened? Thses things seem so far off, right when they sohuld seem closest. I'm just... I'm really messed up.

ok i'm gonna go now. crying when you're sick sucks, btw. 0/10 would not recommend.

This is getting hard to type out (I do type this out every time not copy and paste) but...

Praise God form whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.