Okay for real now...

A few more serious updates while I'm here: #1: Rugby:

so the last time I mentioned rugby on here it wasn't when I was in a good mood. But the three practices I've been to since then have been really great. We started full contact training (we had just been doing touch), and I have never been more covered in mud in my life. But it's been really awesome. I'm still not the best, I know that, but I'm having more fun and getting to know the other girls better. Today it rained before and during practice and we all got soaked to the bone and COVERED in mud. And then covered in bruises. But we had a great time.

EDIT: (oh in other Rugby related news: I got my contacts in today! It's so nice being able to see on the pitch! They are nice and I am happy with them. Put tem in on the second try!)

(just to continue the picture theme)

#2: Everything else:

So. Real life now. I feel like I've been doing everything EXCEPT my studies lately.

I'm still having a lot of trouble with philosophy - with remembering why I'm here and remembering why I love/d philosophy. The more I read Plato the more I dislike him. I've been hammering at this paper for weeks, but I still have no idea what I am saying. Iv'e rewritten the thesis 6 times at least. And I have practically nothing to show for it.

I'm still the girl sitting in the back of class just trying to keep up and being lost every lecture peroid by what is being said by both professor and peer.

I've got a lot of work to do. But unlike rugby, this time I seem to have lost passion as well. I can go on to people in person about what I'm interested in philosophically, but as soon as I face another philosopher with serious questions it all turns into a confused mess. And this paper? don't get me started.

I don't know what I'm doing here. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to write essays any more. I don't even know how to read philosophy any more. What happened to me?

I feel SO out of my depth. As if everything I've done before now it just... nothing. Laughable.

When I was younger, I remember when my sister started doing voice lessons. My mom asked if I wanted to do voice lessons too, and I told her that I enjoy singing too much to constantly worry about doing it wrong. That is exactly where I am here. I used to like this sort of thing. Now? Now I just know that I'm no good at it. And I'm losing interest FAST. Because all of my ideas seem pretty worthless and confused.

I know I know, you are all going to say that every new student feels this way. So don't start. You're going to say that it'll get better and I'll grow and all of that. I know all of that already. Don't give me old beat up answers unless you've been in this boat.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the library early and stay there all day and pray to God that I somehow end up with at least the start of a paper in my hands. I don't know how that will happen. And I'm scared. Really scared.

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know that I want to. I know that I did want to, and I did think I could. That's why I'm here. I know that everyone else thinks I can. But that's not enough when I've got less than a week to write an essay that currently doesn't even have a point.

#3: Guy Fawkes

Sorry to start out so great and then end on SUCH a downer. I know normally people like to have the good news first. So here's an ending to help:

After rugby, I continued to have a very good day today, even though I got nothing down on my essay.

Wycliffe did a book launch, and I missed most of it because I had to take a long shower, but I got to talk to the lady who wrote the book, Lydia Schumacher, and she was really great. Also, a small group here asked me to drop in on their accapella singing practice (they're preparing for a christmas thing wycliffe does). And finally: It's the 5th of November. Bonfire night. Guy Fawkes night. And around here that means fireworks!

We didn't set any off, but I wandered around and saw a few other college's shows. Just the atmosphere was awesome. No really cool pics because it was super dark and quite rainy. But it was great. They do fireworks differently here, they are much lower. So the air becomes thick with a mix of fog, haze from the rain, and drifting smoke from the fireworks. You can smell them hanging over you. The sky, cloudy and streaked with smoke, is grey, making the dark silhouettes of the city's famous towers appear dark and ominous in the sky, lit at times by flashes of bright red and green and blue, which reflect off the shiny, wet roofs of nearby buildings and off the streets. The sound is close, and loud, like gunshots and canons and sparks of fire - the crackly ones, you know. In the wet air the fire still seems closer, brighter, right there. It feels more fire-y that close, less like abstract color. The church bells ring their oddly chaotic chorus. The trees cut three-dimensional shadows through the fog. It looks like somethign from a Sherlock Holmes novel come to life.

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November.

The gunpowder, treason, and plot.

I see no reason why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot.