I guess I've always been a bit "moody", but right now it's really confusing how I can have such a good time and still feel this way in the evenings. Part of it is physical, so at least I can blame that. I've been sick for over a week and a half now. Or, I should say, over half a week ago I was sick, and had been for a week, and for the past half week it's just been kind of holding on. I was sick basically from Wednesday to Wednesday, and it's Monday now, and even though I've been "not sick" for several days I am still extremely tired and my throat and ears don't do well in mornings/evenings or at night. It's a sort of irrationally tired feeling. I feel like I've been resting a lot but I'm still ready to sleep at like 5pm. I'm actually skipping rugby practice - again - as we speak because I feel like I must have stalled my healing process by attending the last practice session (which was good!).
Unfortunately, I've used this "i'm sick" excuse to be exceedingly lazy towards my next essay, which still feels so upstarted and huge that I don't know where to begin. I also - stupidly - volunteered to help with a presentation on Wednesday that I regret volunteering for. It's for that one class that already feels SO far above my head. Just doing the reading for the presentation feels like drowning. It'll be me working with one of the DPhil students who is super nice and smart and has helped and encouraged me, and we're meeting to go over it tomorrow, but uhg. Am I just lazy? Do I just not care?
I feel like that's what it's become: I am having trouble doing all this work because I am having trouble caring. I get overwhelmed and then i get scared and then i shut down and stop caring because I just want to get this over with.
they say that this Masters period is supposed to be when I get to do my own thing. research what I want. but right now I feel like I'm treating it like an undergraduate - just doing things to get them done, out of the way.
When will I get back to caring?
Sorry to be such a downer. Uhg, I always do this. Besides all of my depression and existential doubt, it's been a really great weekend. I came here to talk about that. So let's move on.
This past weekend I got to go on a "get away" weekend with the postgrads group at my church (St. Aldates). And it was amazing! We got to stay at a place which was basically Professor Kirke's house (that's right - Digory Kirke, Lewis' self-insertion figure of the Narnia books) . It was magic. And SO beautiful and SO comfortable. Oh my gosh I could go on about this place for forever.
The grounds were expansive and green, and we got to walk through them. There are a ton of pics going to FB and I'll put a few at the end of this. The house, oh my gosh this house, first of all has rooms which are older than the US of A. Second, I swear it was bigger on the inside. It was exactly the type of house that you would swear up and down (and we all did, metaphorically) that if you just wandered long enough you would inevitably find a spare room at the end of one of the halls which had only a wardrobe under a tarp in the back. The halls were cold, especially downstairs where they were made of stone, but each sitting room (there were so many sitting rooms, and a big library with a piano too) had a large, open fireplace, and couches and chairs more comfortable than I can convey, as they have probably been sat in longer than I've been alive. I forgot how much I miss fires. Guys I LOVE fires. In fireplaces I mean of course. Anyway. The dining room was long enough to seat us all (20+ people) at one long table + one round one. There was an extra kitchen which I think had the sole purpose of making coffee and tea. Once we were in a sitting room and had two small groups looking for space when suddenly one of the walls opened (we didn't even know there was a door there!) and Iona, who owns the house, (more on her in a sec) stepped in and said "oh you can use this room back here if you want, and there's also a sunroom if you go straight through which is probably warm enough by now". Not only was there a whole other room behind the one we were in, there was yet another room behind that! And yet every room somehow had windows and a fireplace.
Ok so this place is owned by the nicest, sweetest, most level-headed, generous, and friendly of ladies. Her name is Iona and as far as I know she inherited the place from her husband's family (who have been living in it for generations) and she lives there alone now so she invites christian leadership/study groups out for weekends like ours. I seriously want to be like Iona when I grow up. We got to help her bring in some firewood (she has like this whole system, because each fire place needs a difference size of log, and a HUGE pair of sheds out back) and just doing that with her was so pleasant. That's the best way to describe the place I think - both Iona and her house and her farm - the epitome of pleasant and comfortable. Very British too, in the best of ways. And she was so interested in each of us students!
Also did I mention that it's a farm? So there was like fresh milk. I don't even like milk. It was really good.
On top of the place itself, the weekend's planned events consisted almost entirely of small group Bible study and prayer. With an extra focus on the prayer. It was really nice. I feel like St. Aldates post grad group is one of the few places where I can be honest about how hard a time I'm having - besides here of course. And all of the people there are so caring and so great.
I was mildly sick (or "not sick" yet coughing and sniffling and red-throat-ed) while we were there. And SO tired. But the beds were comfy. And I almost forgot how much work I had waiting for me. I was going to catch up with writing this blog while I was there - maybe for once write while I'm not in a bad mood - but I never got connected to the wifi. And for once, a weekend with no internet was perfectly okay with me.
I didn't want to leave. I want to go back. First because it was so lovely, but second because then I wouldn't have to write these papers or attend these lectures or give these presentations (did I mention I have a second one on Friday?) or make decisions or do work.
Sorry to return to the doldrums. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I'm just being lazy or if this is something more. I sent an email to my supervisor earlier. She is SO nice and supportive, but somehow emailing her still scares me. I just don't know how to relate to my professors here. And I find that I care far more about what they think of me than I usually do.
Ok back to the awesome weekend. Here are some pics. See more on FB!
It snowed the first night we were there! Just a dusting but it was fun to see.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
P.S. I get that in this song it's for the sake of rhyming but for some reason I've never liked referring to the Holy Spirit as the Holy Ghost. Spirit and Ghost mean two different things to me. What about to you?
I always liked Holy Ghost. I never prefered it over Spirit, but I guess Ghost was always more visual for me. Plus ghosts are creepy and I have always had a special place in my heart for the creepy and supernatural things of the world. :)
ReplyDeleteSee to me it's a philosophical difference (it would be, wouldn't it? is there another type for me?) - in that to me "Ghost" is necessarily only half of a whole. A ghost is a disembodied spirit; a spirit that ought to have a body, but doesn't (because death is the separation of the soul from the body, the combination of which are needed to make a human being). But the Holy Spirit is obviously not in such an unfortunate position. Not all spirits without bodies are disembodied.
DeleteThat said, I respect the appeal of the creepy or visual :) Thanks for the comment!